Devastated

August 11, 2014

For the last 7 weeks, I've had a secret.  I've blogged quite a bit,  but never published.  I was waiting for the perfect way and time to tell each person....I was pregnant. 

Now, I'm simply devastated.   My heart is shattered.  

Today was my second scan.   The scan to follow perfect bloodwork and a healthy ultrasound complete with a great heartbeat.  Today there was no heartbeat,  there was no growth. 

We started the morning with laughing and joking.   That quickly stopped when the scan began.  Instantly, I knew something was wrong.  A change in scan equipment didn't bring reassuring news.  We were sent to the hospital for a better look and they confirmed our worst fears.

Nothing prepares you for losing the baby you've fought so hard for.  Nothing prepares you for seeing the hurt in your husband's eyes.  And nothing prepares you for having to go through your house and pack up the cute baby items you just couldn't pass up.

Wednesday begins the torture of a D&C and saying a final goodbye to Baby Riggle, Doodle as I called him/her.   My baby who I never get to hold in my arms.   I'm not ready for that moment.  

I just want to lay in bed and cry.   I just want to go back to fussing over baby names.   I just want the hurt to stop.  I just want our baby back.  

I'm quite baffled on why we don't tell people about our pregnancies for fear of miscarriage.  We waited to tell most people and now that we're MIA from the world and my face is swollen and red,  we're having to tell them.   How is this route any easier?   There's no easy answer.

Nothing prepares you for this..... my heart is in pieces.