Lately

I feel like I'm slowly getting back to the point where I want to blog.  For a long time, I felt like I honestly couldn't blog because I refused to admit the things I felt and thought.  I don't plan to rehash them, but know they weren't my proudest moments. 

Right now, we're in limbo.   We took some major time off so I could focus on getting healthier and improving my body to hopefully grow a little body.  I'm happily no longer obese (just overweight haha) and feel like a new woman.  

We're gearing up to explore our options again.   We're getting a second opinion in February  (hopefully sooner if there's a cancellation).  I'll start tracking again soon too. 

Two of my fellow infertiles are pregnant right now, and I'm determined to be number three!  I'm honestly so excited for them...they've fought hard for their miracles!   I'm trying to stay realistic, but it's so hard.  35 is moving in fast....the dreaded age *sigh*

In the meantime, I'm loving life as an aunt and I've resisted the urge to kidnap him.   I think I deserve a cookie  (or baby) for that!

We'll see what the future holds...

Dear Baby Who Should Be In My Arms Today

Dear Nugget,

Today should be filled with booties, camera flashes, oohs and aahs, and more importantly you should be in our arms.  Instead it's filled with tears and hurt, as it's now another date that reminds us that we'll never hold our sweet babies until heaven. 

You were in and out of our lives very quickly, but in those few weeks, I was your Mommy.  I started loving you and building hopes and dreams for you.  My precious baby, it breaks my heart that you're not here with us. 

As we've worked to accept our childless life on this side of heaven, there are days when the sadness is overwhelming.  Slowly though, we're healing. 

You're getting a cousin this year.  I will always wish that you and Doodle were here to be big cousins to Logan.  Seeing him grow through ultrasounds and hear his heartbeat at appointments is the most amazing thing; how I long that your stories had been ones of such happiness and joy.

As you spend your due date in heaven, I pray your Grandma is holding you tight.  I love you my sweet second baby.  I'll hold you in my heart always.

Love
Mommy

Influenster - Kerastase

My latest Voxbox arrived from Influenster.  Free products for my testing and review for the win!

This box was filled with all the products necessary to achieve #MyIdealCurl  !!  We all know my thick, curly hair needs all the help it can get!

At first I was hesitant to try a shampoo free haircare line, but away to the bathtub I went.  I will admit I was surprised by how well the products worked.  They smell great and tamed the wild beast on my head haha.  

Below are the screen shots of my reviews on the company website (Cleansing Conditioner and Oleo Curl Cream) and some product pictures.  Enjoy!

To join me on Influenster to review products:
www.influenster.com/r/1380473

Makeup My Way

Today, I'm linking up with Kelly's Korner to talk make-up!!

I have to start with 2 disclaimers.  

1. I'm cheap. 

2.  Convenient is the name of my game!

I've never put a lot of time or money into makeup or pampering goods. $10 was my cap.   I'm the girl that used mascara WAY past the expiration date.  Then my sister moved in with me for a while and I'd occasionally use her makeup.....best/worst mistake!

Suddenly, I realized the fancy stuff from Ulta was kinda amazing.  I was still too cheap to buy it for myself, but after one birthday gift from her, I'm addicted.

So, here's my favorites collection (last 3 product pics borrowed from company websites)

1. Urban Decay Naked Palette - YDK is my favorite color.  The brush is also amazing.

2. Benefit Roller Lash Mascara in black.  It actually gives me the appearance of lashes!

3. Clinique Eye Liner.  I have about 5 colors. They last forever!

4. Urban Decay Eyeshadow Primer. Old Holly never knew she needed this.....a sample came with my palette; now I'm hooked.  I don't wear it to work because I'm not sweating, moving, etc., but on weekends, vacations, trips, etc. I haul out the good stuff.

5.  Eye Shadow Crayons.  I'm still on the search for the perfect brand, so suggestions are welcomed.  I just love the convenience....I can apply while doing something else. 

And you can't wear makeup without the perfect remover/cleaner....

6. Cetaphil Cleaner. The only product I've ever found that doesn't leave my skin greasy or dry.  Takes eye make-up off without irritating my contacts too!

So now I have an Ulta account and an expensive makeup addiction.  Thanks Sister ;)

That Post I've Written 100 Times In My Head

In the past, I've vaguely mentioned a gift that was offered to us.  I've never really elaborated, but to put it quite simply, someone offered us one of the selfless gifts I could imagine.  Someone offered to carry our baby/babies for us. 

In the days before the IVF discussion that brought our dreams crashing down, this one person offered us more hope than we've felt in years. 

This post is for her.

Dear Friend,

How do I ever find the words to acknowledge the gift you offered us?  How do I ever express just how much you touched my heart?

The conversation we had was so much like others we have had in the past.   We joked.  You blushed.  We ate.  We vented.  Then you offered to babysit for us for 9 months.  I don't think it sunk in immediately.  Sometimes, I still don't think it has.  But in that conversation, you offered something that only the kindest hearted person could ever offer. 

The fact that you had done so much homework and research floored me.  The fact that you had considered how each person in your family would be affected is so "you." 

That night, I made a secret Surrogate  board on Pinterest.   I did so much reading.  I sat astounded at the "hugeness" of it all.

The truth is, I can't imagine a bigger honor than having my child grow near a heart as big as yours. If the baby could inherit one ounce of your character, it would be an amazing gain. 

As I sit and write (and cry, of course) I still sit dumbfounded.  What did I ever do to deserve such a gift? 

So even though, we'll likely never be able to explore this path, please don't think I'll ever forget the day you offered to carry my dreams.  Please never doubt that you helped heal my heart and that in the end you really did give me a gift I'll never forget.

As I end this, the words still don't seem to be right, or enough.  This post has sat unpublished for so long, for this reason alone.  I'll likely never find a way to repay you, even the slightest bit, but thank you.   I love you and your family and I'm blessed to call you my friend and my "almost could have been baby mama!"

Love, 
Me

Dia Box Take 2

You think I would have learned the first time, but nnnooooo.  So my next Dia and Company box arrived and yet again it was a bust.  This time I learned my lesson and cancelled. 

It was fun while it lasted.

Dress: My butt was hanging out for the world to see.

Pink shirt: Showed every hump, bump and lump I have.

Tunic: No,  just no. 

Black blouse: Wouldn't make it over my shoulders. Fits like a Large.

Necklace: Weirdness.  Who wants a chain hanging to their belly button.  (I didn't even put it on to take a picture, hence the borrowed pic.)

My photographer was even more contrary this time, but you can get an idea of the horror lol.

A Day In The Life

I love reading these posts on other blogs so I figured why not give people a glance into the overwhelming excitement that is my life. (Sarcasm)

4:00am: Husband wakes me up to tell me he can't sleep. 

4:01am:  I put the gun away and resist shooting him.

5:45am: My alarm goes off.

6:15am: I actually drag myself out of bed.  The kittens protest.  The zombie walk begins aka getting ready for work.

You're jealous of my "face washing hair wrap, aren't you?

As you can see there are many products to be used up.  And the pile of wash cloths to the right is caused by a missing laundry basket.

Used up another sample...I consider this an accomplishment in my Spring cleaning.

Did some quick shifting of the bedroom so the painter can paint while we are at work.

7:00am: Go downstairs to pack lunch, feed cats, find caffeine, do assorted chores, and grumble about chores that have to wait until tonight.

There's the missing laundry basket.

Of course while making my salad the kittens scream for lunch meat!

She is ADDICTED to this toy.  We had to get a second because if the first one dies, she will mourn herself to death.

I do my kitty servant duties and put more food in the bowls so they can throw it on the floor.

Yes, I still do Netflix mailers....don't judge!

7:15am: Morning commute with k-love.

Traffic as usual

That's a little blurry, but driving and blogging is tricky

7:28am: Score VIP parking and run for the door

I could feel Security laughing at me while taking this picture.  

7:30am: Review calendar, read emails, put on my face (makeup) during a call with Ireland. 

Today it is just the basics...

Someone needs to clean up her cube.

12:00pm: Shove food in my mouth during another call.  Who schedules calls during lunch? SO sleepy!

Awkward yawning selfie

3:30pm: End of the workday woohhhoooo! Errands - gas,  Sam's Club, bank 

More traffic

Loving these cheaper gas prices!

5:00pm: Dinner with the husband at Cheddars (yeah there aren't pictures of that....far too hungry)

6:00pm: Home to put our nearly painted bedrooms back together and to hang pictures in my son's room.

Finally back together with some new wall decor.

A fresh coat of paint goes a long way.  Now I need to get the spring cleaning done in here.

7:00pm: Laundry and chores

The laundry never stops.

8:00pm: The Bachelor and ice cream

I had to eat this before The Biggest Loser started!

9:00pm: The Biggest Loser

She likes to watch commercials

10:30pm: Bedtime...even before the finale ended.  Goodnight! 

I Sit and Wonder

My mind wanders a lot these days.  Today I was texting with one of the greatest people I know and my mind was off on a whole new tangent.

She's infertile.  A cancer scare robbed her of her "parts" well before 35.  She is the most amazing aunt in the world to her niece and nephew.  She never misses an event, she takes them out all the time and celebrates every milestone with them.  She loves them so well.

Then there's my adopted family member.  She's had miscarriages and she's infertile.  She scooped in and saved Heidi and I after Mom died.  She makes you feel like the most spoiled and loved people in the world.  She loves us so well.

Then there's my previous coworker.  She's infertile.  Her sister committed suicide and she's stepped in to love her niece and nephew and help show them what real love is.  She loves them well.

So my mind wanders to the questions, does infertility change you and make you value children that much more? Or does God decide to make you infertile so you're available to love those who need loved? 

Right now, I avoid kids.  Last night I got ambushed at a dinner party where there were 5, yes FIVE kids under 3 years old.  For some crazy reason I volunteered to hold a newborn so her mom could eat.  I won't ever pretend that I didn't contemplate making a stab at kidnapping. 

I'll never understand God's ways....but it definitely gives me something to think about.  I just pray that if the time comes, I can love like these three amazing women have.

It's Changed Who You Are

A few nights ago I had one of the ugliest cries I've had in a long time.  A whole rush of emotions hit at once and it wasn't pretty.  The worst part of the night was hearing these words out of Keith's mouth, "It's changed who you are."

It's the nagging realization that sits in the back of your head, but to hear it out loud cuts deep.  He doesn't realize the sting behind his words.  Honestly he doesn't understand a quarter of what I'm feeling.  He tries, but it's just not possible.

The last few months have been hard.  There were so many highs: getting insurance for IVF, having a friend offer us a HUGE gift, having financial pieces fall into place.  But those moments were quickly followed by a huge low: our consultation where the true risks of my egg retrieval were revealed.

IVF was always where I kept my hope.  All hope wasn't lost as long as we had that card to play.  But now we don't.  And yes, there are still other cards we could play: egg adoption, embryo adoption, child adoption, but my heart isn't there.  Somehow that makes me feel like I'm giving up and selfishly guarding my heart.  In all honesty, I can't handle much more.

The hard truth is it has changed me.  I hate leaving the house.  If I could, I would stay home constantly.  There aren't baby clothes and pregnant women at home.  There aren't acquaintances that ask about starting a family when I'm home.  I get anxious about totally simple things.  I've distanced myself from the people I love.  I'd rather sleep or watch Netflix than do anything else. 

Keith recently commented that he's bored with our routine.  My response was, "This is it.  We won't have kid functions and all those normal things families do.  So this is it." 

I went to a funeral this week of a dear friend.  Her obituary talked about her huge family.  The woman had 22 great grandchildren.  Mine will be short....there won't be a long list of children, grandchildren or great grandchildren.  There was a huge realization that I'll never fit in with my peers, not now are they're becoming parents or later as their kids give them grandchildren. 

So yes this journey has changed me.  It's robbed me of my hopes and dreams.  It's brought out emotions that scare me.  It's broken my heart to begin to accept I'll only hold my babies in heaven.  I know with time it will get better.....I'm just not there yet.

All I Ever Wanted Was To Try Stitch Fix....

Yeah the title is overly dramatic. 

Stitch Fix isn't designed for chunky girls and I have mourned that several times.  And then it happened, a referral from a friend, for a service for plus size ladies. I signed up instantly!  After the excitement passed, I did some homework....and the nervousness set in lol. 

Let's just say, the girls who share pictures from their Dia&Co boxes on a lot of social media sites are a lot more um creative and comfortable than I am.  We're talking crop tops and mini skirts and bling.

So I waited and finally my box arrived.  Oh my.

Pretty package

Let me start by saying, I wrote pants/skirts/dresses must be tall/long at least 3 places on the survey. 

Please also note all photos were taken by an impatient husband and all poses/goofy expressions are a result of my hate for being in front of a camera. 

Item #1
Regular length blue jeans
Pros: Dark wash like I prefer
Cons: Hello floods and a little too flared for my liking.

Item #2
Red wrap top
Pros: Gives me the appearance of a chest.  "Flowy" to hide muffin tops.  3/4 sleeves
Cons: Elastic around the back which does nothing for my back blubber

The flood is coming, the flood is coming.  I refuse to show you the backside view!

Item #3
White blouse
Pros: I was pleasantly surprised by this item.  It looks funny in the picture because of static cling and nothing underneath, but I really liked the piece.
Cons: $69 price tag.  Um hell no. Of course I like the priciest item in the box. 

My pants and a clingy shirt

Item #4
LBD with back cut out
Pros: Longer sleeves; black
Cons: Shapeless and short shorty short

I can't believe I am even posting this one.  The awkward stance is classy!

Item #5
One of the ugliest necklaces I've ever seen
Pros: I got a good laugh
Cons: The list is too long.  GAWDY!  Some rapper is definitely missing his bling!

You know you want one of these for Christmas!!!  And hello pant fuzz!

So tomorrow I'm contacting the company to see if they can give it a better try.  1 out of 5 aren't good odds. 

We'll see how it goes.  If anyone else is feeling brave, here's my referral link: https://www.dia.co/r/19jr

Christmas 2015 (A Brief Recap)

Christmas was crazy but wonderful!

We did our usual...

Lala's house on Christmas Eve.

Christmas Day:  Heidi and Randy came to our place to open gifts.  Mackel's Christmas morning breakfast.  Dad's wife's daughter in law went into labor early so we didn't get to spend time with Dad :( Lala's for lunch and then ended up at home because Keith wasn't feeling well.  I went into casserole making mode.

Day after we got Perry and 15 other family members invaded for food and presents.

After that I spent days recovering!  Holidays are stressful!

It's Time To Get This Party Started

We did our big grocery run and it's time to get serious. 

Shakeology and coffee base is ready.  Overnight oats are chilling.  Turkey chili is simmering. 

I was hoping to make layered salad, but my fridge is too full to hold it. 

Gym bag is packed.  Lunch and water cup will be thrown together tomorrow morning.

Game on!

A New Year

Gotta document my "goals" for 2016

1.  Let's get the major one on the list: Get knocked up.  Come on girly parts...make it happen.

2. Get Operation Get Healthy back on track.  Meal planning, grocery shopping and app tracking back on the agenda.  Gyming is definitely becoming a priority again too!

3.  Being a better friend.  Marriage has made me a horrible friend.  I will get better at sending cards, sending texts and scheduling get togethers.

4.  Spending less time on my phone.  Sorry Samsung Galaxy, it's me, not you....

5.  Eating out less.  Ain't nobody got money for that.

6. Purging junk.  I need to declutter my life.  Where does this stuff come from?

7.  Celebrate more, complain less....this might take a small miracle.

8.  Stop drinking milk.  Milk = joint pain....every time I drink a glass it feels like I've been beat in my joints.  I will finally kick the habit this year.

Gotta stop with an even number (wouldn't possibly want to change my OCD) so that's all for 2016 :)  May it be the best year yet!