Stuck

I feel like I'm stuck.  I have no idea what to do next.  I don't know if there is a next.

My mind has flipped several times to the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.   I've lived 2 years in denial that we could ever be here.  Anger and jealousy have reared their ugly head more than I'd like to admit.  Bargaining is a constant part of the game..... Just one more try. Please God I'll do anything.  And good ole depression is a no brainer.  Infertility has gotten so many of my tears; second only to losing my Mom.   So when does acceptance come? Or should I say, "does acceptance come?" 

Day 1 no longer means calls to the RE.  There are unused tests under my bathroom sink.   There's the "other bedroom", the lists of baby names, the unworn maternity clothes, and the baby items cocky me bought.  There's so much left unsettled.  There's an emptiness and an elephant in the room that grows bigger all the time.

Yesterday at a conference, an acquaintance asked, "Now you have one or two babies now?"  Ouch.  Does the sting of those conversations ever go away?

To this point, I've felt like we're at least doing something.  Waiting, testing, medicating, monitoring, trying.... Now we're stuck.  I don't even know what cycle day it is (OK that's a lie....) but I sincerely wish I didn't know. 

What now? 

The End (I Think...)

Today marks the end of our journey.  I had my final RE appointment and we're now out of options unless we decide to pursue IVF. 

We sat with hippie Santa Claus and went through our entire case file and basically with my age, labs and conditions, we're just not going to conceive "the old fashioned way."  I know God isn't phased by any of these numbers, and I'll keep praying for a miracle, but I also know that prayers are often answered with a "no." 

I'm slowly processing how I feel about it all.   Devastated is the easiest to identify.  Anger and jealousy.  Overwhelmed.  Unsure and confused.  There's even an ounce of relief that the meds, tests and appointments are over.

Keith is all about trying IVF.  He's the dreamer and free spirit in our marriage.  He doesn't worry about the $15-20k price tag.  He says I'll regret it if we don't try it.  I'm convinced it will leave us in debt with empty arms either due to failure or another loss.  

I really just want to make a public service announcement that we're never having children so everyone knows and the questions and comments will stop.  That just seems so permanent though.

So realistically, it's not the end.  It's another crossroads and more emotions, but today, in my mind it's the end.  Maybe tomorrow will feel different.  Sigh. 

IUI Fail #2

Cruel timing, but today confirmed this last IUI was a bust.   I'll call the doctor tomorrow morning.  Part of me wants to skip this month because of our upcoming vacation, but somehow that makes me feel guilty.   Plus we'll probably be forced to skip the following month because of vacation timing.  Who knows!?   :(

When We Said I Do

2 years ago (on May 4) we said I do.   It's still one of my favorite days of my life.  There's no doubt in my mind that God made him just for me. 

It's hard to believe that 2 years have passed....I can't wait to spend forever with him. 

My plan is to return to the location of my favorite wedding photo each year to snap a picture.  Here's what we have so far.  Please note our photographers are usually my kiddo or my sister lol.

My Least Favorite Day of the Year

When your Mom and Baby are in heaven, Mother's Day isn't exactly a day that you're super excited for.   I've done my best to keep busy and celebrate the wonderful women I do have in my life, but then I made the mistake of checking the mail. 

Don't get me wrong, the thought behind this is wonderful and thoughtful, but delivering the invitation on Mother's Day weekend was more than I was prepared for.   We'll be at the beach for the event; otherwise, we might consider going. 

As usual, there's no real point of this post.   Just a feelings dump more than anything else.   Maybe Mother's Day next year will be a little happier.