Sitting This One Out

Today was my Grandma's family dinner they have every Labor Day.   The families of the 7 sisters gather for several holidays throughout the year and have a potluck.

My Mackel expects full family participation at each event, but I decided to sit this one out.  Keith had to work and I just didn't have it in me to go alone.  It's inevitable that I'd be interrogated about babies and I honestly just couldn't/wouldn't do it.

After my lung scan on Friday (all clear) and having two people ask me if there was any chance of pregnancy (read my chart folks) and bursting out bawling on the first nurse (I had just given him my meds list that said "anesthesia and meds for d&c" in big letters), I just couldn't bring myself to go.

Today I'm wearing PJs and glasses, petting kittens, watching TV, making spaghetti and doing laundry.  I'm taking care of me.

Infertility makes me feel so selfish and self centered sometimes.   It definitely changes a person. 

Currently

Currently I Am....

Listening: To the sound of silence.  Online radio isn't working.

Eating: Sharp White Cheddar Cheez-It Grooves.  I need to hide the box from myself.

Drinking: Cran-Grape Juice.  Going to chug some water soon to get my veins IV ready.

Wearing: Jean capris, flip flops and printed shirt.  Yippee for jeans day.

Experiencing weather: That is all over the place.  Supposed to hit 90 today.

Wanting: My period to start so we can start over with tracking, meds,  etc. Ultimately wanting a healthy baby in our arms.

Needing: My CT scan to go well today.  Follow up on a 6mm nodule in my lung. 

Thinking: That August is thankfully almost over and that I get to celebrate my Seester's 29th birthday with her tonight!  (Isn't their anniversary photo below cute?)

Enjoying: The upcoming 3 day weekend!

Happy Friday Folks.  

It's Not Official Until It's On Facebook

I've joked with friends in the past, that their news (engagement, pregnancy, marriage, divorce) isn't official until it's on Facebook.   When I posted my engagement news,  I told Keith there was no looking back because it was Facebook official. 

I've documented all my big news on there and had already started to plan how to announce that we were expecting.  But now we're not, and I don't know how to document that.

I've spent several days heartbroken over the things people have said and the questions they've asked,  but how can I blame them when they really have no idea?  They don't know my struggles and loss,  so why fault them for small talk?

I fear that people will think I'm looking for pity, sympathy and attention.  I fear it will open me up for more hurtful words and suggestions to "just adopt." 

On the flipside,  I would hope to find others who can relate (not that I'd wish this on anyone).  I'd hope to eliminate some of the shame behind saying, "My baby died" and "I'm struggling."  I'd hope that it would show that Doodle mattered.

August 19th was Day of Hope for miscarriage,  stillborn and infant loss.  It was too soon.   October is Awareness Month,  the 9th-15th is Awareness Week and the 15th is Remembrance Day.  I still don't know if I'll post anything then.

What would I say if I did post?  
For those who have asked if we want kids-Yes, we want them so badly it hurts.

For those who have asked if we have kids-Yes, we have an 8 year old named Perry and we also have a baby in heaven.

Yeah that doesn't sound quite right.   

I've found pictures that simply say,  "Breaking the silence. I've got a baby in heaven."  But again,  I don't want to seem like I'm looking for sympathy.  I'm truly not.  I'm just lost on what all of this means in my life, our lives. 

There's no "Miscarriage for Dummies" book.   There are a few blogs that have been recently updated and they all say they're glad they told their secret.  They say it helped them heal and feel that they weren't alone and isolated.

It seems petty to even be debating this.  It's really just the thoughts in my head spewed out. 

Follow Up Appointment

I've lost track of the medical junk.   The physical gets overran by the emotional, but here's a brief synopsis.

August 19th: I was having severe stomach pains and pressure.   Calls, walk in clinics, etc. = no real answers.

August 20th:  Horrible appointment with Dr. Jerkface (he was hateful that day).  Given 2 antibiotics after bloodwork.   Told hormone levels were still too high.

August 26th: Follow up appointment.  Repeat bloodwork.  Pain is gone.

August 27th: Thyroid and Prolactin levels fine.

August 29th: Call to say Lupus Anticoagulant (LA) levels are elevated.  Baby aspirin each day for 12 weeks and then retest.

My hormone level is down to 81 and he's hopeful it will be to 0 soon.

If we move forward,  he will prescribe Progesterone suppositories (yippee) during pregnancy too.  

It's definitely heartbreaking to know my blood caused the miscarriage. On the positive side,  most women aren't tested for the LA until after multiple losses so I'm thankful he's proactive.  

Right now, we sit and wait for my period to start and see where the road takes us.  My body is thankful for the rest. 

Eating My Words

Several years ago, I was reading a blog and remember commenting (verbally) that I wish the girl would "just move on and focus on something else."  She had suffered a miscarriage and was still writing about it months later.   I'd love to take back those words.  I hate that I was ever so cold. 

Now, here I am.  I'm stuck.  I'm dwelling.  I'm broken.   I know so many people are thinking "just move on and focus on something else," but I just can't.  It hurts so bad sometimes that it is hard to breathe.  I feel like I'm the only one still devastated.  I'm mad because certain people have just ignored it all completely.  I'm thankful for the ones who genuinely have been there.  I'm ashamed of not being there more for people that have been in my shoes.  I'm so many things that I could write all day.  I just want the pain to stop. 

When my Mom died,  we all hurt.  We all cried and healed together.  No one else is empty and crying at night... It's isolating and so hard.  

I feel ashamed of my inability to do what my body is supposed to do.  I feel like I've let people down,  let my baby down.   Today has been a huge struggle.  I think my appointment tomorrow and a pregnancy announcement at work just did me in today.  Tomorrow will be better....

Jealousy

Right now I'm really struggling with jealousy and bitterness.   As the "safe zone" approaches for March babies, more and more pregnancy announcements are popping up.  I want so bad to be happy for these people,  but all I feel is jealous.

I hate feeling this way,  let alone admitting it,  but each post, picture or event just reminds me of Doodle.   Seeing posts on heartbeats gets me the most....makes the horrible words "there's no heartbeat" scream through my mind all over again.

One Facebook friend posted/bragged last night about conceiving on the first try.  (Please forgive me while I make obscene gestures.)  Deep down I'm happy for them..... deep deep deep deep down. Deep.

On a brighter note,  the high dose antibiotics they gave me have finally alleviated the stomach pains.   I'm still curious where the infection was.   We'll find out tomorrow if my hormones have changed/reset.   My pregnancy symptoms have definitely lessened so I'll take that as a good sign.

For now, I just keep taking it day by day (what's the other option?) and accept that some days are going to be harder than others.   I know eventually it won't hurt as bad.....

Ouch

On Wednesday, we attended the funeral of a dear friend and amazing lady, Elodia.  I've blogged about her before (can't link things from this darn phone), but basically,  she's our best man's wife and the mother of 2.  The whole service was beautiful and heart wrenching and she'll be so missed.   My heart breaks for them.   We plan to love on them regularly and care for them like so many people did for us when we lost Mom. 

There's the background.  The services were over,  we were joining everyone at the church and then it happened.   An old football buddy from Keith's younger days so casually and innocently asked "Do you guys have kids?"  20 seconds after meeting the man,  and he shot me straight in the heart.   Keith turned around quickly with a deer in the headlights look and I quietly answered,  "Keith has a son.  I have a stepson.  His name is Perry."  The boys continued to talk about their lives.  I bit my lip and silently thanked God for sunglasses. 

Please don't think I'm making light of our friend dying and the heart ache of all who loved her.   I'm just simply coping with the loss of our friend and our baby.   The loss of a future of answering people happily, that "yes we have 2 children." 

More and more I question what innocent questions I've asked people over the years that have caused them pain (I'm sorry).  I definitely think more before I speak (and still say stupid things).  As I reminded our widower friend, people mean no harm with their words, but sheesh sometimes they just hurt!

Dear Duggars/Dillards,

Dear Duggars/Dillards,

Since y'all are so fertile, can you please share the love and give me one of your babies?

Sincerely,
Mrs. I Can't Get Pregnant by Looking at My Husband Crosseyed Like You Ladies Do.

Ugh.  *End bitter,  ugly hearted, jealous rant*

Birchbox

Aloxxi Thickening Serum:  I'm scared to try it.  The last thing I need is thicker hair.  One day when I've finished my current sample of curl creme and have no where to be,  maybe I'll get brave.

Harvey Prince Ageless: This perfume has no scent.  It's so light and plain that it's not noticeable. 

ModelCo Shimmer Bronzer: The sample arrived in a million pieces and looks too dark for my skin.  I'll regift to my bronzer loving sister.

SeaRx Lotion: It smells clean and isn't greasy, but the tube surely doesn't look like something you'd sell $30 lotion in.   Presentation people!

Whish Shaving Cream: Awful product.  Possibly the worst shaving product I've ever tried.  FAIL.

I might be extra cranky this month, but this box wasn't a hit.   Luckily I cashed in on my free $50 worth of products which made it a whole lot better.  Face wash, mascara,  a compact and deodorant wipes all for free.   

I also called customer service when I realized my order was missing a piece (sample pack) and they're now resending that freebie and a new bronzer to replace my broken one.  Birchbox Customer Service gets 2 thumbs up :)

Running Away

This weekend we ran away from our lives.  We packed a bag and my husband booked us a room in a historic hotel an hour out of town.  I'll forever be thankful for the masterminds behind this great idea. 

Saturday we did some shopping in antique stores, Christmas shops and other craft stores.   I completely melted down over Raggedy Ann dolls and Amish baby furniture.   One minute you're looking at Christmas decor and the next minute, BAM baby stuff. 

We had a nice lunch at a quaint Italian place and then checked into our room to relax.   We rocking chair rocked,  Keith swam (I'm not allowed in water for 2 weeks) and we got dressed up for dinner.  We had a nice meal on the veranda and called it a night. 

Sunday we played some checkers and had breakfast and quickly realized we weren't feeling great.   We spent the majority of the rest of the day battling mild food poisoning.  Apparently sharing my crab cakes wasn't such a sweet idea ooops.

My favorite part of the weekend was dancing with Keith in our hotel room (I used to gag at mushy stuff like this lol).  There was a wedding below us so we took advantage of the thin insulation and danced to their music.   I can't explain why but in those minutes I knew we'd be OK.   I love him now more than ever. 

So now we're back to reality.  Back to work and life,  but at least we got a little break.   I still lose my breath sometimes because it hurts so bad.   I'd run away again at the drop of a hat, but that isn't an option so we keep moving forward.   Slowly.  Very slowly. 

To Post or Not To Post

I've decided to post my secret pregnancy updates.   Our baby filled us with so much happiness for 7 weeks, I feel like I'd be hiding part of my life by deleting them.  Some aren't finished and never will be. 

Mommy misses you Doodle.

Empty

The only word that describes how I feel right now is Empty.   My heart, my belly, my head, my eyes..... they're just empty.

I don't know what to do now.  Our baby is gone.   Nothing prepares you for hurt like this.

The procedure went OK.   I got my laminaria early this morning.  Went home to nap. Went to the hospital around 11am.  4 blown veins later they finally got the 5th IV in using ultrasound to find the vein.   I came out of surgery sick as usual and after rushed drugs I was able to rest.

I can't stop talking about the nurse I had.... The heart and compassion she had were more than I could ever have dreamed of.  I like to think Debbie Hall asks for tiny favors when she can't be there herself.

Of course my sister, husband, Moh and other friends/family deserve a million thank yous.   They are what get me through.

There really are no words to explain today.....I pray I never have to face this again.  

Devastated

August 11, 2014

For the last 7 weeks, I've had a secret.  I've blogged quite a bit,  but never published.  I was waiting for the perfect way and time to tell each person....I was pregnant. 

Now, I'm simply devastated.   My heart is shattered.  

Today was my second scan.   The scan to follow perfect bloodwork and a healthy ultrasound complete with a great heartbeat.  Today there was no heartbeat,  there was no growth. 

We started the morning with laughing and joking.   That quickly stopped when the scan began.  Instantly, I knew something was wrong.  A change in scan equipment didn't bring reassuring news.  We were sent to the hospital for a better look and they confirmed our worst fears.

Nothing prepares you for losing the baby you've fought so hard for.  Nothing prepares you for seeing the hurt in your husband's eyes.  And nothing prepares you for having to go through your house and pack up the cute baby items you just couldn't pass up.

Wednesday begins the torture of a D&C and saying a final goodbye to Baby Riggle, Doodle as I called him/her.   My baby who I never get to hold in my arms.   I'm not ready for that moment.  

I just want to lay in bed and cry.   I just want to go back to fussing over baby names.   I just want the hurt to stop.  I just want our baby back.  

I'm quite baffled on why we don't tell people about our pregnancies for fear of miscarriage.  We waited to tell most people and now that we're MIA from the world and my face is swollen and red,  we're having to tell them.   How is this route any easier?   There's no easy answer.

Nothing prepares you for this..... my heart is in pieces.

So Much Fun (Look Back #7)

I'm having a blast telling people.   It is so much more fun than I ever imagined (or at least would let myself imagine.)

Finding gifts that say Aunt, Grandpa, etc has been a wild goose chase (JcPenney). 
Heidi and Randy got a baby farm animal book and an Aunt picture frame.  Heidi got so excited she hurled (she choked herself screaming.)  Dad and Lisa got bibs and a onesie and completely missed the purpose behind them which was hilarious.   April screamed so loud over her Auntie bib that I think my right ear drum is ruptured.  And Jenni and Jan melted my heart with their tears and excitement over the ultrasound pictures in their take out container (we took dinner to their hotel.)

I've got Perry's shirt ordered to tell Keith's family.  I'm still trying to find a way to tell the rest of my grandparents,  my girlfriends and my Mama Tammy.   And then it will become Facebook official. 

Last night we took a quick trip to Urgent Care because the stubborn husband finally listened to me and got his bronchitis diagnosis.   Even the nurse there squealed with me when I asked if I need to take any precautions due to prego state.  

I'm loving this.   I can't wait to tell more people!  

I Must Be Dreaming (Look Back #6)

I keep pinching myself.   I keep going through the motions and feel like it's a dream. 

Our first ultrasound was today.  We sat in the waiting room FOREVER.   We finally got pulled into the room I've come to dread and the scan began.   Dr T talked to the screen (giving notes to nurse) and I held my breath.   I've come to love that man, but I could kissed the PA when she finally said,  "Dr you've got to tell her something!"  He cackled and started explain everything.  Basically,  it's in my uterus, there's a heartbeat and baby is growing on schedule.  Thank you,  Jesus!

I had a few tears, but honestly I was too overwhelmed to say much.  Keith and I had a few minutes to celebrate,  chatted with the doc a bit more,  squealed with the staff and then left.   I tried to keep my game face on in the lobby.....I would never want to hurt any other patients.  

Outside in the car though,  I was squealing and trying to make arrangements to tell a few more people.   Tonight we spill a few beans.  

March 29th, you can't come soon enough.  I'm one excited Mama!  

And here's MY baby's first....picture.  I think she has my eyes ;)  She's a whopping .4cm long so I think she got her daddy's height!

Keeping Secrets (Look Back #5)

I'm losing my mind.  I hate secrets.  I hate keeping surprises quiet.  I want to tell the world.   I've promised myself that on Monday I can tell a few people! 

After the ultrasound,  when we see a heartbeat,  I can tell 5 people.   My MOH who is going to be livid with me for not telling her sooner, my Dad and Lisa and Keith's Mom and Dad.  

I think from there,  we'll wait a few more weeks to spill the beans.   In my mind,  our real risk is later in the pregnancy so there's no real "safe" time.   I choose to believe that God is taking care of Doodle and pray that everything goes perfectly.  

Monday,  I'm ordering Perry's announcement shirt!  He's going to tell the world for us :)   So stinking excited. 

No one has figured me out yet as far as avoiding foods,  caffeine,  etc. so hopefully that continues.