A Kick in the Gut

Disclaimer: Some info might be TMI for some, feel free to hold out for a happier, non-chick part convo in future posts….

We close on our new house today.  I am so excited I could squeal, but there’s a piece of me that just wants to crawl into a corner and cry.

In my early teens, I was diagnosed with cysts on my ovaries.  After a laparoscopic surgery and some tests, they told me that I developed cysts on my ovaries.  I was put on birth control pills and told they would probably even out with age. 

That brings us to May of this year.  After our honeymoon, I went off my birth control and we decided to see what happened.  I consulted with my gyno and did a baseline ultrasound and was told to “have fun.”  That was 4 months ago.

Along the way, I’ve noticed some changes: the pain of cysts again, weight gain, horrible acne on my face and just an overall feeling of feeling blah.  I've charted and tested and tracked religiously, but things just seemed off-kilter.  I finally went to see the gyno again and another ultrasound and blood work was scheduled.  Now going in, I had already diagnosed myself….I knew the news was coming, I just wanted to live in denial a bit longer.

Yesterday, I got the call.   The first convo went something like, “You have a hormonal imbalance, and we are going to give you a prescription”.  Whew!!  Sweet relief.  The second convo didn’t go so well, “We’ve reviewed all of your tests and you have PCOS.”  There it is….the four letters I was scared to death of.  I’ve read the blogs, I’ve read the websites…..PCOS = a long journey to have kids.

Now here are my spoiled brat comments that are appalling to even me.  I’m stuck wondering why me?  I lost my Mom at a very early age and now I’m not allowed to easily be a Mom?!?!  Why God?  I want babies that I can tell all about their Grandma and how much she would have adored them.  I’m just defeated. 

I feel broken.  I feel like I should give my husband “an out” so he can find someone that can give him the family we so desperately want.  Yes, I get the fact that I am being dramatic….we are talking 4 months of trying here, and some people go 14 years, but right now in my own selfish world, I’m sad. 

 I don’t want to spend money on the drugs the insurance company won’t cover.  I don’t want to think about injections and miscarriages and IVF and adoption and all of that stuff.  I want to have a baby, why is that so hard? 

I’ve read stories of so many women who have struggled to be moms….I’m a big softy so I’ve cried over their heart breaking stories; I’ve cried when their last round of IVF worked; I’ve wanted to hug some of them and apologize for all the hurt they feel.  Most of these women, I’ve never met, but now I’ve joined their club.  I’ve told people that have lost a parent, “Welcome to the club that you would never wish for your worst enemy to join.  Welcome to the club that you truly can’t understand until you are in it.”  Now I’ve joined another club….and I don’t like it. 

I don’t really know the point of this post….other than, I needed to dump out my heart.  I’m scared and sad and I want a baby.  There are only a few people that know that we’ve been trying so it is hard to put on the fake smile and pretend life is grand, but that’s what we’ll do until we see how the next few months go. 

Please say a prayer for us….For this child I prayed; and the LORD hath given me my petition which I asked of him.  1 Samuel 1:27

The Things People Never Tell You About Marriage

I don’t know if any of this stuff is universal or if I’m just an odd duck.  Either way, here’s my take on marriage so far. 

1.)    There is a feeling of, “now what?,” after the dating, engagement and wedding are over.  All of these parts are so exciting and busy and hectic and then after the honeymoon, there is almost a sense of confusion about what to do next.  I honestly think that our buying a house was my solution to solving this problem.  Not sure what to do after we’re done with that (WE GET THE KEYS TOMORROW!!).

2.)    On the flipside of comment 1, there is a feeling of comfort that kicks in after the madness is over.  To sum it up, he’s mine – he can’t run, hide or getaway.  That ring has marked my territory and I kinda like it.

3.)    Being the second wife is hard.  Some days it is REALLY hard.  He’s done all of this before, to me it is new and exciting.  Keith makes it a point to always remind me that this marriage is completely different than his first, but there is still a part of me that wishes I was his first wife.  For some reason, the fact that she kept his last name really irks me more…petty, I know.

4.)    Being a stepmom is harder.  Not because of the kiddo, I love him and couldn’t be happier to be his stepmama, but simply because it involves his ex-wife in our lives SO much.  If she didn’t make it a point to be so heinous and uncooperative, it would make life much simpler, but for the next 11 years +, I just bite my tongue and struggle through.  I don’t agree with her parenting choices, but I’m kinda stuck.  Hugs and laughter and fun times with the munchkin are a good band-aid.

5.)    It’s a big adjustment to learn to deal with each other’s quirks.  It is hard to untrain and retrain someone in their bad habits.  It takes a while to learn to compromise and decide what is best for our family instead of just me or him.  Luckily, we spat and work it out and then laugh about it in the long run.

6.)    There is nothing better than having someone to kiss you hello and goodbye daily.  He leaves for work earlier than I do, so my morning peck is usually during my wake-up moments, but it still makes me smile.

7.)    In-laws aren’t the horrid creatures that people make them out to be!!  I was scared to death after some of the horror stories I have heard.  Keith’s parents are amazing and his siblings are quickly becoming some of my favorite people!  I’ve loved spending time with all of them over the past two years.

8.)    Age really is just a number.  Keith is 6 years older than me and it never crosses my mind until we talk about milestones.  The day he mentioned something about graduating high school and I realized I was in elementary school, that kinda made me gag a little, but aside from that, it doesn’t faze me.

9.)    Combining finances is the only way to go.  This was never up for discussion for me, but it really honestly baffles me why people don’t combine and compromise on this area.  I’m not judging, just saying, for us, it has made life so much simpler. 

10.)  The expectation to instantly have kids is overwhelming.  I feel like a slacker right now.  Maybe that can be the next source of entertainment after the house is done.  ;)

Overall, marriage is wonderful.  It isn’t all rainbows and kittens, but it is surely worth it in the end.  I’m anxious to see how ours grows, develops, changes and thrives over years to come =)

Birchbox

I am a simple, plain Jane girl.  I wear the same jewelry most days of the week, fix my hair the same 3 ways and use the same basic cosmetics every morning.  I think paying large sums of money for beauty products is a complete waste of money. 

My usuals:

Shampoo and Conditioner – whatever is on sale at Target or WalMart

Styling products (curly, thick hair….it takes a lot) –

Hairspray and Gel– Suave Max Hold

Mousse – Suave Captivating Curl Cream Mousse

Soap – Plain old Dial

Make-up – pretty much the same stuff I’ve used all my life.  CoverGirl powder foundation, eye shadow trios, CoverGirl Lash Bash Volume waterproof mascara.  About a year ago I got crazy and became addicted to Clinique eyeliner; however, I only pay for them during free gift sales.  Getting all the extras softens the blow to the wallet.

Nail polish: OPI or Essie

Perfume: Vera Wang Princess is my favorite

So basically, cheap and simple is the theme here.  So after reading a blog linked to my friend’s blog (stalker much?!), I decided to try to broaden my horizons.

I signed up for Birchbox.  It’s basically a monthly box of high end, sample size, beauty products.  I’m hoping that I never find some $50 item that I can’t live without, but I just wanted to try new things and add a little spice to my life.

My first box came a few days ago.  I was sad to see that something had leaked a bit, but overall everything was still in good condition.  Here’s my review of the goods.

September Box:

Davines This is a Sea Salt Spray $27: 

Pros: Smells great – like coconuts and beaches.  Makes hair smell great and not sticky.

Cons: MegaVolume….they weren’t lying when they said this stuff gives you oomph.

Overall: Might be great for carefree vacation hair, but won’t be part of my normal routine.

Grand Central Beauty S.M.A.R.T. Skin Perfecting Polisher $38:

Pros: Doesn’t leave face feeling greasy.

Cons: Doesn’t really leave face feeling any different.

Overall:  As shown above, I have no face washing/care routine whatsoever.  This didn’t do anything fabulous that made me want to start a routine.

Le Couvent Des Minimes Gardner’s Hand Healer $8-19:

Pros: Cute mini tube will be great for my purse. 

Cons: Kinda greasy and doesn’t have a to die for scent.  Didn’t really notice a change in my hands after use.

Overall: I’m sticking to my standard lotion

Ruffian Nail Lacquer in Fox Hunt $10:

Pros: Cute travel size bottle and a fun summer color.

Cons: Not something I would consider for my nails for work.

Overall: I haven’t actually done a full pedi with this so I can’t rate the stay on power, but I am excited to try it out.

GlamNatural Cream Blush $32:

Pros: 3 different color choices with enough product in each for 2-3 days.  Shows up better and stays on longer than powder blush.

Cons: 2 colors are great…the 3^rd, hello Circus make-up.

Overall: I hate liquid make-up on my face; therefore won’t be rushing to add this to my routine. 

Waiting

Patience is not my middle name.  I’m not one for sitting back and waiting for things to happen.  I prefer to obsess, plan, schedule, control and make things happen.  My Daddio repeatedly reminds me that nothing is in my control…that I might as well give up on trying to control everything.  One of my favorite quotes is, “Faith in God includes faith in His timing.”  I hear it and try to understand it, but let’s be honest….I want what I want when I want it.  End tantrum.  Stomps foot.

I want my house to be done.  I want my loan to be closed.  I want my new furniture to sleep on.  I want my new appliances to cook dinners on.  I want to wash my clothes in the same house that I reside.  I’m not sure why this whole processes is taking so long….and each day it gets mildly/majorly more annoying. 

So in my mind, I have to find the good in it all.  Being homeless has allowed me to get to know my Sister in law better.  Brenda is a great person….a lifesaver in my eyes.  She has opened her home and life to us and the cats, and for that I will be forever grateful.  Being homeless has made me appreciate my home….it might have broken me of preferring restaurants over home cooked meals (we’ll see) and it has surely made me want to get in the house and stay in the house!!  Being homeless has given us extra time to get light fixtures, blinds, curtain rods, etc. ordered and shipped here so they are ready to be installed on day one.  The flexibility allowed for some great bargain shopping.  So there, Pollyanna just played The Glad Game. 

I want to grow our family.  Everyone keeps asking when we are going to have babies….good question folks, good question.  Again, when God decides the time is right, I guess we will know.  Until then, we’re a family of three (five including the kitty babies).

I want to advance in my career.  I love the program that I work with, but if it is a dead end path, I need to find a new fit….I don’t like change.  So, I wait.

I want to get some loose ends tied up with paperwork and finances.  Again, if things were in my hands, I would have gotten them fixed 100 Mondays ago, but instead I wait and call a certain person not nice names.

I’m not complaining (yeah, I know I coulda fooled myself), instead I’m just saying maybe I’m being taught to wait.  Maybe I’m being reminded that this is not about what Holly wants when she wants it.   Stomps foot!!  So I wait and accept that I am not suppose to understand all of this….I’ll keep waiting on myself to get better at waiting.  It might take a while.

20 Things I Love

Disclaimer: I’m not materialistic….family, friends, faith, health, etc. definitely top the list of things I’m thankful for and value the most…..these are just some “things” I enjoy!

1. Kittens – Just call me the crazy cat lady, but there is something about their fuzzy faces, purrs and cuddling that just does me in. 
2. Candles – I’m an addict.  I hoard Gold Canyon Candles…they can’t be beat.  Sugar Cookie, Brown Sugar Cookie, Clean Sheets, Pumpkin Pie.  Somehow in my head, they make my house cleaner.   
3. Fall – Pumpkins, mums, hoodies, crisp air, football, turkeys….love it all.  If it didn’t turn into winter, I would be completely obsessed with it.   
4. Flip Flops – Aside from being barefoot, there is nothing better.  I despise shoes and socks.  First thing to go when I step indoors is the shoes/socks.
5. Kohls – The happiest place on earth.  Love their clothes, home goods, coupons, quality, brands, etc.
6. Flowers – They just bring happiness.  Purple roses, tulips and gerber daisies are the best.
7. Cuddling – No better place to be than in the arms of someone you love.  Add in those kittens and Fall weather and triple score!
8. Cheesefries – They’re the ideal food….fries + cheese + ranch dressing = no brainer.
9. Beaches – No place more relaxing than in the sun and sand.
10. Starbucks – Specifically Starbucks in the red Christmas cup.
11. Christmas – They will never be as special as they were with my Mom here, but there is still something magical about that time of year.  Twinkling white Christmas lights are comforting to me.
12. Planner – Call me old school, but I don’t think I will ever give up that wire bound book that keeps my life in order.  I’ve tried going the electronic route and I always go back to old faithful.
13. Wedding Rings – They symbolize the love that I waited a long time for.  I pray that I get to wear them until the day I die…something that you don’t see happen much in today’s world.
14. Camera – It allows me to capture memories and moments to remember for a long time to come.  I hope to take tons more pictures with our family and friends as our life changes.
15. Keurig – I still think the creator is a modern day genius.  Variety, speed, and simplicity….working woman loves it!
16. Reality TV – Property Brothers, Say Yes To The Dress, The Voice….guilty pleasures right there folks.  Aside from Big Bang Theory, the reality TV can’t be beat.
17. Pedicures – They melt away the problems of the moment.  And a fresh set of polish on the toes always makes me feel more put together.
18. Road trips – I might be one of the few who loves staying in hotels and random places.  Maybe it is the fact that I don’t have to make the bed that makes it even more exciting.
19. Pinterest – I am just plain addicted.  I have enough recipes and house décor pictures pinned to last me until retirement.
20. Weekends – Mainly because I get to actually enjoy all or most of the things above during these two precious days!!  I love a good shopping spree or lazy Sunday. 

All or Nothing

I’m an all or nothing kind of girl…black or white…..go big or go home.  I could continue with all of the clichés, but instead I’ll explain myself.  I can’t half do something….if I start a project, I finish a project or I completely scrap it and make it part of the weekly trash pile.

My husband likes to say that I have OCD….I like to think I am thorough and detail oriented.  Potato Potato….

Anyway, sometimes, this gift comes in handy.  I can spring clean a place in a matter of days, I can throw together a party in a few hours, I could produce a huge paper in college in no time.  Then there are times that it is a total curse….when buying a new house, it is a nightmare. 

I am in complete decorate and situate mode.  The minute that house is ours, I have furniture, appliances, light fixtures, curtain rods, blinds and décor ready to go.  Some might argue this isn’t a bad thing…..but when you have no where to store all of these items and can’t make solid decisions it becomes quite a mess. 

Let’s start with appliances: I went to Lowes to get a face plate and left with an order for a washer and dryer (at a great price – thanks to my cousin).  I got the energy efficient deluxe, non-front load style. 

Then that turned into light fixtures:  Spotted a sale on ceiling fans and before I knew it, the cart was full.

Then came furniture….we went to Star in Morgantown and the sleaze sales guy made me mad so we ventured to Fairmont.  Highly recommend those folks.  Anyway we now have a new bedroom set, a new couch, loveseat, accent chair, ottoman, mattress and box springs.  I was on a decisive roll….

That brought us to this past weekend – Labor Day Weekend. 

Big Lots was having a BOGO half price sale….curtains, art work, bedset for Perry, more curtains, throw pillows, storage units and some other odds and ends. 

Then…..I decided we needed a trip to Pittsburgh……that was where things got ugly lol

Home Goods = a decorative piece for the bathroom

Ikea = 2 rugs, 3 mirrors, hand towels, spatulas, 2 bath mats and some other randomness

Rug for living room

Rug for Master Bedroom

And then……heaven on earth…….my first experience at a Hobby Lobby……oh my!!

I could spend hours in there…..luckily they had shortened hours for the holiday so I got pulled out after 2 vases, a few signs/pictures, letters and coat rack for Perry’s wall, and all kinds of other “treasures.”  I am dying to go back.

Before I knew it…I was online shopping JcPenney sales and found blinds, curtain rods and more curtains.

Then at Bed Bath and Beyond buying more artwork and TJ Maxx for pillows.

Then Target for more curtains and stuff for Perry’s room.

So right now, I have a whole house decorated and then some…….I have 3 sets of curtains pending for the living room….can’t make a decision until the furniture arrives.  I know which ones I love, but I need to see how they look with the chair.  I am already returning a bunch of pillows that just aren’t meshing in my head.  I have moved stuff from room to room in my head a thousand times. 

Most people move in and buy a few new things….nope, not this crazy woman.  Thank God I have all of our wedding gifts in storage or I might have to get a second mortgage to finance this craziness!!!!  Not to mention that watching Property Brothers already has me ready to finish the basement in a million different ways. 

BRING ON THE HOUSE!!!!!!!!!