Back In The Kitchen

With the recent stress that life has thrown our way, I've really been slacking on cooking meals.  Cereal, sandwiches, pizza and dinners out have become the norm.  I promised myself that I'd do better this week so here are the recipes that made the list.  Next week, we'll focus on healthier meals, but baby steps people.

Italian Sausage Pasta

Boil a box of fettuccine or linguini.  Drain.

Add EVOO to a frying pan.  Cut a package of Italian sausages into small chunks. (I remove the skin too) and brown these.

When 3/4 cooked.  Add half of a small chopped onion and 2 sliced bell peppers (red, orange or yellow taste best, but green works) and finish cooking.  Add a large spoon of chopped garlic.

Pour contents of skillet over pasta.  Sprinkle with fresh, grated parmesan cheese.  Enjoy! 

French Onion Chicken and "Baked" Potatoes

Cook 4 large chicken breasts on high in a crockpot for 3 hours.  Drain water from chicken, chop or shred into small pieces and return to crock pot.  

Mix together one can of French onion soup and a cup of reduced fat sour and dump into crock pot.  Cook on high for an hour. 

In separate crockpot, cook potatoes.  Wash and dry them, stab them, wrap them in foil and cook on high until soft.  (Approx 4-6 hours)

*Note: We didn't love this chicken recipe.  Keith thinks it would taste better on beef.

Crockpot Sloppy Joes and French fries

Monday night I browned ground beef and onions and stored that in one container and in another container combined the following ingredients:

1/2 cup water
1 8 oz can tomato sauce
1/2 cup ketchup
1 cup BBQ sauce
1/4 brown sugar
4 TBSP yellow mustard
4 TBSP apple cider vinegar
A healthy dash of Franks hot sauce

Tuesday morning it all got dumped in the crockpot and cooked for 8 hours on low. 

Oven baked French fries completed the meal.

Birchbox

The box of fun arrived (a few weeks ago, slacker).

Curl Keeper Gel: Finishing off an old pack and then I'll break into this one.

Dr. Brandt Pores No More Vacuum Cleaner:  I don't see anything special about this cleaner.  On a bright note, it didn't burn or give me more blemishes like others I've sampled.

Pixi Shea Lip Balm in Honey Nectar: Hell has froze!  I finally got a lip product I love!  Goes on pretty clear, doesn't taste or feel nasty and hasn't given me a cold sore.  Woohooooo!

Suki Exfoliate Foaming Cleanser: I was pleasantly surprised by this cleaner.  I thought it would be harsh and instead of it easy in the skin and didn't leave a film.  Great scent too.

Yu-be Moisturizing Skin Cream: Everything about this product was junk.  Cheap packaging,  ugly container and junky lotion.  $16 ha, I wouldn't pay $1.

Not a bad month at all, I did find lip stuff after all :)

Fall Favorites

It's my favorite time of year!  I love all things fall. 

Just a few things that make me smile:

1. Pumpkins and mums galore

2. Cooler temps

3. Sweatshirts and flip flops

4. Pumpkin rolls and pumpkin spice lattes

5. All the fall scents: Pumpkin Berry Spice,  Pumpkin Marshmallow and Maple are in the wax warmers

6. The gorgeous leaves

7. Extra fluffy and cuddly kittens

Love love love it all (except the season that follows.) 

Small Victories

Today I'm celebrating small victories.

  I woke up this morning and "read the news" aka scanned Facebook.  A guy I've known since kindergarten posted the announcement about his girlfriend expecting their son.  My first response was, "Crap, another assault before I've even had my coffee." But today, instead of crying, I tried some advice I was recently given.  I told myself their pregnancy is not about me.   I kept forcing myself to be rational instead of irrational and finally brought myself to tell them Congratulations.  And honestly, I am happy for them.  They deserve happiness, and on this journey, I've selfishly lost sight of that.  I still feel every announcement will hurt, but I'm trying....As the wise Dory says,  "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming!"

Later in the day, I was minding my own business in Target when I ran into a girl I used to babysit and her mom.  Her newborn daughter was in the cart and they stopped to chat.  Not even 60 seconds in and the mother asks, "No little ones on the way for you yet?  What are you waiting for?"  And again, I bit my lip and changed the subject.  I refused to cry or assault her!

I also told another friend about my miscarriage.  And contacted another cousin who I recently learned has been going through unexplained infertility and IVF.  

Tomorrow, something could knock me off my feet and have me sobbing, but for today, I'm patting myself on the back. 

Hearts

It takes all kinds of people to make the world go round.  I've met such a variety of people in my life that I could spend hours going on and on about the differences.  To me though, there's always been one type that stands out....those with huge hearts. 

I always considered my Mom one of these people.  She was quick to love, quick to cry and quick to nurture.  She put others before herself so selflessly.  She loved unconditionally. 

As I've grown older,  I've realized that I'm drawn to these people.  They're my best friends and my spouse.  They're the family members I'm closest to.  I have always realized it, but today it hit me like a ton of bricks.  

Last night, I made the mistake of watching our announcement reaction videos on my phone.  I have the ones of Keith, Heidi and April finding out.  I cried in private and tried to cheer up, but I was just having a rough few days.

Today, I got a package in the mail.   My dear friends Jenni and Jan had me a bracelet made to honor our baby.  I broke down crying in my driveway.  I'll never be able to explain what it means to me.  They  had tears of joy when I told them I was pregnant, and they've grieved and cared for me since the loss.  From miles away, their big hearts have comforted me.

My best friend, April, is another one.  She's there day or night, no questions asked, no complaints.  She's just there (often with therapy cheesefries) to love and cry with you.  She's been by my side at hospitals, funeral homes, and pretty much everywhere else in this state.  She knows me better than I know myself sometimes.

There are so many others: My friends Julie and Beth.  We laugh and cry together and take care of each other. My sister Heidi. She's a little Debbie Jr.  She'll hug me and hold me up anytime I need her.  My husband.  God knows his heart is huge or he would have run away from me forever ago.  And there are so many more.  I could go on for hours.

Yesterday when I wrote about M and how helpful she was, after I hit publish, I thought, my goodness I hope that didn't downplay the love and support of others.  Those who've never been down this path, may not know exactly what it feels like, but they've cried with me, loved me and never left my side.  They're priceless in my eyes.  I'd still be bawling on the bathroom floor without my big hearted supporters.  So if I don't say it enough.... Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.....I'd be lost without you and I love you guys. 

They Walk Among Us

I had an interesting lunch today with my boss, who knows about the fertility treatments and miscarriage.   She causally mentioned in conversation that my coworker (we'll call her M) recently admitted that she's been going through fertility treatments. 

From that comment forward, I was focusing on how to approach M.  I obviously didn't want to make her uncomfortable, but I NEEDED to talk to her.  So after lunch, I tapped on her door and blurted out, "So I hear you're on the roller coaster too." (My boss had given her the heads up about me)

So we sat, and we compared stories, we complained about our doctor and we both came to the same realization - there's nothing like talking to someone who truly gets it.   Our stories aren't identical, our treatment plans are unique, but we both know the hurt, pain and disappointment.  We both long to be Moms and we both hate that it's out of our control.  

I know infertility affects tons of women.  I know I'm just another statistic.  But today, I didn't feel quite so alone or like such a failure.  I would never wish this struggle on anyone, but as long as we've got to face it, it at least helps to have others who can not only sympathize, but also empathize.  I only hope I helped M, as much as she helped me.

Blogging 101

<a href="http://www.bloglovin.com/blog/12909251/?claim=bdm86vg82aw">Follow my blog with Bloglovin</a>

Learning all about blogging with trial and error.  Let's see how this works lol.

Beach Life

We're loving beach life and our "adults only" trip to Myrtle Beach.   I deep down hope it's the last childless trip we ever take (my step kiddo is back in school or he'd be here with us now). 

The first day here was rainy and dreary so it gave me too much time to focus on the should have beens: I should be avoiding the hot tub because I'm pregnant.  I should be able to buy the cute baby stuff in the gift shops.  I should be relieved that the whole world finally knows we're expecting.

But after that day, I've tried so hard to focus on the positives.  We've laughed, swam, spatted, ate and sunbathed our way through the week.   The weather has been great and we had a fun date night (dinner and a show) last night. 

The pool is calling my name so I'm off to work on my tan (with sunscreen, Jenni).  :)

Love Languages

One of the best books I've ever read is The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman.   It gave me a whole new understanding on love and relationships.   Before reading it, I never realized that how I show love might not be the way others feel love.  

The 5 basic love languages:
Gifts
Quality time
Words of affirmation
Acts of service
Physical touch

I once heard a sermon on this topic and the pastor told us about his wife spending hours in the kitchen making elaborate meals and desserts, but he felt unloved and neglected because all he really wanted was her time and attention. 

Normally, I'm a gifts and acts of service kinda girl.  Please don't think I'm materialistic....I just love flowers, sweet notes or little things where it shows the person went out of their way to find something special for me.  As for acts of service, having a clean house, tidy yard or folded laundry makes me calm and open to love.   It makes me feel like we have a good relationship and take value in the life we've built together. 

After we lost the baby, the gifts were nice, but all I really wanted and needed was physical touch and words of affirmation.  I wanted to be held and hugged and told I was loved and supported.  The times I cried the most were when I was alone with my own thoughts.   Luckily I have a few friends who really loved me the right way.   Other people disappointed me.   I recently mentioned this to a relative and his response was, "People just don't know what to say.... It's a hard topic to talk about."  Well news flash: It's even harder to live through it without love and support. 

I definitely think times of heartbreak can really alter your love language.

I'm also guilty of forgetting to stop and focus on loving my husband and helping heal his hurt during all of this.  I feel like I failed him.  In general, I need to spend more time understanding his love language.  I'd guess it would be words of affirmation and gifts, but I could be way off.  I guess we've got a conversation starter for our road trip!   

I ramble off all of this to say, stop and evaluate the people in your life..... Make sure you're loving them "the right way."  

The Calm After The Storm

It's been almost a month since the day my heart shattered.  The day we found out that the little heart beat of the baby we had hoped, prayed and fought so hard for, was no longer there. 

The days and weeks that followed were the hardest we've faced in our marriage.  I flip flopped through the stages of grief and found myself lost and inconsolable.

Feeling like we'd finally beat infertility and having hope for a successful pregnancy was quickly and painfully taken away.  I thought the storm would never stop.  I thought the tears and tightness in my chest would never stop. 

Today is different.  I'm finally able to think of the next steps.  I no longer refuse the idea of trying again.  I'm anxious for my cycle to start and my 12 week bloodwork to be scheduled so we know what to do next.  I'm still nervous to start over with the drugs,  scans and all the unknowns of fertility treatments, but it's part of our journey. 

This calm doesn't mean I'm over losing our baby.  That will never be the case.  I still look at my calendar and think that we should be announcing our pregnancy this week.  I still think that I'd be graduating from the first trimester.  I still think of my Mom in heaven rocking the little one who we will meet some day.  It still hurts but the storms are calming.

I am still praying that God will give us a healthy baby.  I'm still asking that He will comfort us and help us have the strength and guidance for the road ahead.  I'm praying that the worst of the storms have passed and we'll remember to praise Him in the calm. 

Tailgating Treats With A Kick

I'm linking up with Kelly's Korner to share my favorite tailgating recipe.  It's not healthy,  but it's Oh so tasty.   Enjoy!

Jalapeño Popper Dip Recipe

2 bricks of cream cheese (low fat is fine)

1 cup of mayonnaise (low fat is fine)

1 4oz can diced chilies – drained

½ 4oz can diced jalapenos – drained (using the whole can makes it VERY spicy)

½ cup of plain bread crumbs

¾ cup fresh grated parmesan cheese (located with refrigerated cheeses)

Mix the mayo, cream cheese, chilies and jalapenos together. Spread in a small baking dish. Cover with the bread crumbs and the parmesan cheese.

Bake for 30 minutes at 350 degrees or until bubbly. Optional: Turn on the broiler for 2-5 minutes to brown the top.

Serve warm with crackers, bagel chips or toasted French bread.

Great hot or cold.   Enjoy :)

Image borrowed from Pinterest.

My Latest Source of Info and Comfort

September

I've never been so glad to see a new month.  Somehow a new month means new hope and is one step closer to a new start.  

The end of August doesn't erase the pain, but it's at least the end of one of the worst months of my life.  Today I realized I made it almost all day without tears....that's progress.

As I type,  I still dwell on the what ifs and the things I miss, but I'm trying so hard to be positive.  I keep telling myself it's time to heal. 

I've started reading Secret Sorority and downloaded some other books to see how others have made it through infertility and miscarriage.  I'm determined to come out on the other side with a baby/babies.  I know it's not in my control,  but I can hope and pray and do everything medically/financially possible.

So here's to September.... please be kind!