The Waiting Room

I've never seen anything like it.  I walk through the glass door tucked in the corner,  climb a flight of stairs and then I walk in.....

Welcome to the fertility clinic waiting room.  No one talks,  no one makes eye contact,  no one smiles.  We all look at the ground and wait our turn.  We whisper at check out.  We hurry through, trying to go unnoticed.  

If it weren't for the sweet receptionist or the small TV that plays the show no one watches,  i doubt there'd be any noise at all. 

It's scary how somber it all is.   Just once I'd love to see a couple leave with a glow or smile.  I'm hoping that they do the "happy appointments" during a different time slot and that they're not just that scarce and rare!  Then again,  maybe seeing yet another pregnant person would just add to the pain.

Anyway,  I'll be back in that waiting room again next week.  Come on lefty,  produce my dream egg and let's do this!! 

And It's Back

WANTED: NEW SKELETON.

I'd prefer one that is 5'10, not knock kneed and small enough to where they'd be forced to do full body lipo to make it fit.

This round of complaining brought to you by the return of my thumb splint and occupational therapy appointments.  My thumb joint is mad again and they can't try injections (baby making precaution) so I'm back to square one.

Apparently you have to lose full use, experience numbness and tingling and have full time level 8+ pain for surgery.  Dropping to the floor in tears when it pops just isn't good enough.

And if I have to hear one more time how this normally happens to 60 year old women,  I'm going to dye my hair gray and start rocking the walker. Thank you yet again AS, your ability to kill my joints fascinates me.  

Currently....

Currently I am.....

Listening: to Slacker Radio...Dido station.  It's a somber, whiny girl music kinda day.

Eating:  Strawberries.  (Purple container). I love fresh fruit season.

Drinking: Water water and more water Gag.

Wearing: Dress clothes.  Why can't yoga pants and grungy tshirts be work approved?

Experiencing weather: that is hot and stuffy.  Perfect pool weather,  crappy real life weather.

Wanting: To be pregnant.  That's all

Needing: A vacation and fried food dipped in Ranch dressing.

Thinking: Way too much about doc appointments and court hearings.  I'll be so glad to have June behind us.

Enjoying: My husband.  I love him and I'm thankful for him.  And my kittens too, of course (even after morning hairball cleanup).

That's my day in a nutshell.  Yeah,  it's a crazy exciting life but someone has to live it haha

Birchbox Goes Big

My Birchbox was a jackpot this month!

I'm not sure how I scored so much good loot but I loved it. 

Vasanti Brighten Up Enzymatic Face Rejuvenator: I love exfoliating face cleaners. Somehow the grit makes me feel like I've removed extra nastiness from my face.  This tube definitely didn't disappoint. 

Davines Love Shampoo,  Smoothing  Conditioner and Ol All In One Smoother: 3 different products!  The shampoo was a nice sized bottle and the other two were packets.   I loved this stuff.   It foamed well, washed well and rinsed out well.   Honestly,  if it didn't smell like grapefruit I'd consider splurging on this line.

LAQA & Co Sheer Lip Lube Pencil: Heidi reviewed this purple tube and said it was good stuff aside from making her look like Mimi from The Drew Carey Show.  Since it wasn't sticky or nasty, lip junk wearers might want to consider trying one of their more normal colors.

Paula's Choice RESIST Barrier Repair Moisturizer with Retinol: Not too greasy and definitely restored some moisture after my exfoliation.  I don't like that you have to cover it with sunscreen during the day so I use it at night.  Hopefully this kicks my crow's feet butts!

Catherine Malandrino Style de Paris Perfume: Keith said I smelled like stale cotton candy.  Ain't that sweet?  Jokes on him,  I'll use up the rest of the tube cause I'm cheap like that.

Good job, Birchbox.  Keep up the fabulousness next month :)

Thoughts on The 21 Day Fix So Far

The Good:
-It's like a puzzle/math equation and requires spreadsheets so I love it.
-The foods are all edible and I don't miss much (except ice cream and cheese fries).
-I definitely have more energy.
-Gives us a good excuse to grill a lot.
-Found new, tasty recipes.
-We're not eating out much at all.
-Slowly seeing results on the scale.

The Bad:
-The shakes aren't great.  They're better than Slim Fast, but they're still nothing spectacular.
-The workouts aren't made for someone with fragile joints.  I've had to modify a lot.
-All the prep and kitchen time is a pain.
-More frequent trips to the grocery store for fruit and veggies.
-I miss Ranch dressing!

Overall, it's going well so far.  I'm excited to see the results at the end of this round :)

Heartbroken

My biggest fear through my infertility has been losing a baby.  I don't know how you pull yourself up after that.  I don't think I'm as strong as the 1 in 4 women who survive it. 

And then there's my cousin.  Yesterday I got the text,  "Call me when you get a chance. "  My heart sank.  I didn't need to call;  I already knew.   This is their third baby that's now in heaven instead of in her arms.   My heart is broken for her and her husband.

I was going to go to the sex scan with them.  We had started talking baby shower plans.  We all had hope.  And now her heart is in a million pieces.  I guess I'll never understand why these things happen.  I'm amazed by her strength.

Please say a prayer for them.   She's hurting,  her body has a terrible task ahead, and she needs comfort and love.   Help all of us know what to say and do to help them instead of hurt them.

RIP Sweet Baby.   I know there are some loved ones in heaven who are cradling you tight.

21 Day Fix Day Five

Back in the office and back in control. 

Breakfast: Chocolate shakeology with coffee and a splash of milk.   Plum (red, yellow, purple)

Snack: In a meeting

Lunch: Leftover Mexican Lasagna with guacamole.  Blackberries. (2 yellow,  2 red, 2 green,  purple,  blue)

Snack: Oops

Dinner:  I was forced to sit through a whole movie without popcorn!  So we went to Eat n Park afterwards.   I had a huge salad, cottage cheese and ate half of my chicken and brocoli.  I was quite proud of myself for boxing up half of the meal! (3 red,  4 green,  yellow, orange,  spoons)

Workout: Yeah,  didn't happen.  Got home at 10:30pm.

21 Day Fix Day Four

Failing to plan is planning to fail.   Well I quickly learned how true that is.  I packed plums,  Shakeology powder and my cup.   What I should have packed was milk and my mini blender.   The conference's "continental breakfast" was pastries pastries and more pastries.  So no shake or breakfast for me.

Breakfast: A bite of the most sour plum I've ever tried and a cup of coffee.   FAIL.

Lunch: Conference food.  Chicken, vegetable medley,  salad with balsamic, red skin potatoes, wheat roll.  (I passed on pasta salad,  rigatoni, ham and HUGE desserts.)  (red, 3 green, 3 yellow)

Snack: Peanuts and plum (orange,  purple)

Snack: Apple and cheese stick (purple, blue)

Dinner: Chicken,  broccoli and mushrooms (4 red, 3 green)

Workout: I got home from a business trip at 9 pm.   That's my story and I'm sticking to it. 

21 Day Fix Day Three

So I just plain suck at remembering to photograph my food.   I apologize.

Breakfast: Chocolate shakeology with butterscotch coffee and milk.  Strawberries. (red,  yellow,  purple)

Snack: Oops missed that.  (Picking up rental car for business trip will be my excuse.)

Lunch: Leftover chili and salad with olives,  turkey bacon,  egg and dressing. Plum.   (2 red, yellow, 3 green, purple)  Please see empty bowls below and use your imagination lol

Snack: Blueberries and yogurt.  (purple, red)

Snack on the road: Peanuts

Dinner: Seafood Sedney at Hotel restaurant. Basically shrimp, crab and veggies over portobello mushroom with side salad,  corn and smashed red potatoes.  (We'll not discuss colors but instead give me an A+ for skipping crab cakes and creamy crab dip.)

Workout: Nursing my popped rib (AS fun) so walking was all for today.  Planned to swim but massive storm ruined that. 

21 Day Fix Day Two

Well I am still walking after last night's workout.... It was touch and go for a bit. 

Today's food:

Breakfast: Chocolate and coffee Shakeology.  Strawberries. (red, yellow, purple)

Snack: Apple dipped in Greek yogurt (the yogurt should be plain,  but I already had these and didn't want to waste them.... It won't be the end of the world). (purple, red)

Lunch: Chili full of ground turkey, kidney beans, mixed bell peppers,  onions and tomatoes.  Salad with egg,  green olives, turkey bacon bits and dressing.   (3 green,  yellow, 2 red,  4 spoons, orange)

Snack: Pineapple (purple)

Dinner: Mexican Lasagna. (http://rxforhealthyliving.wordpress.com/2014/04/01/mexican-lasagna-fix-approved/)
and green beans (2 yellow,  2 red,  3 green,  blue).

Missed one purple

Workout: Upper Fix.  My arms are shaking and I'm planked out! 

21 Day Fix Day One

My day in a nut shell:

Breakfast-Chocolate Mocha Shakeology:
Scoop of powder,  4 oz skim milk,  smallest brew size of Praline Pecan keurig coffee and ice. Blended. Strawberries on the side. (red,  yellow,  purple)

Snack: Blueberries (purple)

Lunch:  Egg Drop Soup (well I ate the egg and dumped the broth....I either read the directions wrong or that was the saltiest base in the world).  Shrimp and crab stirfry.  (4 red, 3 green)

Snack: Strawberries.  Triscuits with Hummus with Sriracha. (purple, yellow,  blue)

Dinner: Lean steak,  grilled potatoes with jalapeños,  asparagus with evoo, grilled pineapple. (2 red,  2 yellow,  2 green,  purple, 3 spoons)

Snack: Sunflower seeds (orange)

Workout: Total Body Cardio Fix.  KICKED MY BUTT!  Picture below doesn't adequately show my level of death.  

And well,  I only managed to take pictures of the most boring things.  I'll work on that lol

21 Day Fix

So I finally decided to do something about my weight and state of misery.  No more excuses or procrastination.  Starting Monday,  I'm going to get my act together (yes, that's mild procrastination,  but I need the weekend to shop,  meal prep and clean out the garbage foods).

I ordered the 21 Day Fix, got a coach, got a buddy (aka my sister), and my meal plans and shopping lists are ready.   I'm most worried about the workouts since my left knee is still popping out and of course my fragile skeleton is always a concern,  but oh well.  

Basically my days will consist of Shakeology,  protein, fruit,  veggies and select carbs and healthy fats.   I'm hoping to finally learn some portion control from the containers and to get moving again.

I'll be posting my meals and progress as I go, to help me stay accountable.   Here goes nothing :[

Right Ain't Right

Well there went another failed round.  As usual my right (unconnected) ovary did a fantastic job and my left (connected) ovary did a whole lot of nothing.

We try again next month to see if lefty decides to do something (anything).  Super stoked to take more meds and do this all again... Ugh.

Dr T did tell me that he was sorry today... I'm warming up to him FINALLY!   A med student also came in to see the freak show at the circus (aka my uterus). 

I guess June just isn't our month....

This Crazy Life

There are some major changes in my life that are all blamed on infertility.   They're not exactly PC to throw out in a blog,  but they're weighing on my mind so here they are:

1.  I no longer get anxiety about gyn appointments.  I feel like half the docs in town have seen me from that angle. 

2. Me and the ultrasound wand are BFFs. I'm not talking the little abdominal one they use in all the movies either.

3. I've peed on sticks in so many random places.  Ovulation tests don't wait for home bowl advantage. 

4.  I've become a pill swallowing fool.  Prenatal vitamins,  hormones and whatever else they throw my way.

5.  I've stopped paying attention to calendar days and can much more quickly rattle off my cycle day.  Today might be June 5th, but to me it's Day 10.

6.  I've lost my ability to be a sane person.  Drugs + failed attempts + wasted money = crazy Holly.

I'm sure there are many more,  but that list gives a pretty good idea of the craziness.  Tomorrow will hopefully be the start of a new chapter; a chapter that is crazy in a happier kind of way.....

Things

There are quite a few things that "Fertile Until Proven Otherwise" Holly created that have lately been torturing "Infertile Until Proven Otherwise" Holly.

1.  Pinterest Boards:  Not one, but two!   "My Biological Clock is Ticking" and the hidden "Baby Mama Drama" boards are full of nurseries,  tips,  etc.

2.  Etsy Favorites: There are announcements,  outfits,  nursery decor and so much more.

3.  Name lists:  They're in my phone and in a notebook.  The notebook is especially bothersome because we narrowed down so many options after IUI #1.

4.  Plans in General:  My Type A/OCD personality has so many plans,  ideas and schedules.  Ugh to not having control!

I toy with the idea of deleting it all,  but I know it won't erase the frustration.  For now I just avoid them.  And on a brighter note,  I made it through a whole funeral without any baby questions.... First time I've found a reason to celebrate a funeral lol.  

Friday,  the 6th is our next scan.  All prayers and happy thoughts are welcomed and appreciated!  Come on dud ovary,  you can do it ;)