What Hope Looks Like

Throughout the last few years, we've always made decisions based on "if we have a baby."  We picked a house with enough bedrooms.  We picked a new car that would accommodate a car seat easily and the payment wouldn't cut into day care costs.  Those are the big things.

Even in the small things, our hope shines through.  I did a little art project last year and I flipped it over today and got yet another reminder.  Maybe the new year will be the year we complete our tree...the year the other ornament gets a name and moved to the front. 

I'll ask again this year, Dear Santa, please bring us a baby. (Shout out to the Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny, Elf on the Shelf and any other creature that can hook us up too)

Torn Between

This year, I'm torn between being so thankful for all I have and a little sad on what I thought I'd have.  

The little Thanksgiving outfits still haunt me....those ribbon feathers ugh.  A few pregnancy announcements mixed in were just the whipped cream on the pie.

In the mix of it all, I'm blessed. I'm thankful.  I'm trying so hard to focus on the good stuff.

I did find one tiny way to clean out the tear ducts, while hopefully bringing another wanna be mama a smile.   Ice cream is always the answer so I'm treating on the pay it forward board.

Happy Turkey Day!!!

Wordless

I've struggled to write lately.  Partially because of a stressful project at work.  Partially because I don't know what to think, feel or write.  Partially because avoiding my thoughts is therapeutic (I lie to myself).

I can't sleep lately.  4 hours is the name of the game some nights.  If my brain had an off switch, I'd be one happy girl. 

I'm added to Keith's insurance for 2016. I have had some other amazing opportunities that have been huge blessings arise (more on that later).  My cousin recently had a successful transfer and is happily pregnant on her hail mary embryo.  Yet I'm scared....Petrified really.

I'm waiting for one single day where this is easy.  I need one single day when my brain and my heart and my life and our finances and my everything just get their act together. 

I'm still waiting for it to happen "naturally" (hate that word) again.  I'm still convinced it will end in loss. I'm still contemplating kidnapping or running away from home or adopting or more furry kids instead of human.  I'm still telling myself to give up and move on. 

Alright maybe I don't lack words at all....just answers. I lack answers.

Dear OBGYN

Dear OBGYN,

I understand what your business is all about.  I get it.  But is it too much to ask that you soundproof the walls? 

I got greeted by the family of 6 soon to be 7 in your waiting room.  I faked a smile.  4 more pregos walked through.  Eager for ultrasounds, scheduling again in 2 weeks, eager to hear all about their babies.  I kept my head down.  But to walk to the bathroom and hear the sound of someone else's baby's heartbeat is just more than this girl can handle.

My first child once had a heart beat.  My second child may or may not have had one.  I'm so glad they're not suffering through what we did, but please don't expose me to something I want so badly.

You need to be set up like restaurants back in the day.  Instead of smoking and nonsmoking can you do fertile and infertile?  I don't wanna kill my lungs or break my heart....nonsmoking infertile section please! 

Sincerely,
Jealous of the Fertiles

A Look Back (#2)

Random pictures from second pregnancy

Loss #2

I lost another baby today.  We lost another child today.  This time it was earlier.  This time my body naturally started the process.  This time it hurts, but it's a different kind of hurt, but yet still the same. 

There is no ultrasound picture this time.  Some say it's even too early to be called a miscarriage.  But still there is a loss and a new hole in my heart. 

I hate my body.  I hate the way I feel physically, emotionally and mentally.  I hate that I inconvenienced the people who had to sweep in again and pick me up off the floor. 

I called this little one Nugget.  We fought over names.  We browsed nursery fabrics.  I bought a chalkboard for monthly pictures.  I dared to dream that this time would be different. 

Maybe I shouldn't have shopped on Saturday.  Maybe I shouldn't have mowed grass on Monday.  Maybe I shouldn't have tried yoga poses to increase blood flow.  Maybe I rolled on my back too long in my sleep. 

I called the doctor's office, but I still have no idea what that nurse said.  I remember her confirming that my numbers dropped significantly, but the rest is a blur.  I don't know how I drove home.  I don't know what I'd do without the crew that swept in to pick up the pieces. 

My heart hurts.  I want my baby back.  I don't know why I'm here again. Why did I put myself through this again? 

A Look Back (#1)

Excited. Scared. Thrilled. Terrified. Hopeful. Worried. Ecstatic. Petrified.

I could go on and on. 

This time is different.  I want to skip and yell and celebrate and throw a party.  But I also want to hide and pretend it's not happening and protect my heart. 

I'm begging God.  I'm praising God.  

I keep thinking of this quote:

It's not fair to this baby. MY second biological child to not celebrate his or her life, because Doodle is in heaven.  

So the doctor's office doesn't open until 8am.  The same time as my physical therapy appointment.  After that I'm blood work bound.   Please let the numbers be great.  

I think I'm taking Keith coffee from Starbucks that says "Daddy of 2" on the cup.  I told him last night that my period was late and he just simply said "Don't get your hopes up honey." He worries. 

Well I'm done crying and rambling for now.  More later.

Don't Blink

Um where did August go?   I feel like I blinked my eyes and there was September.  

The highlights:

Scott and Jenn came to visit. It was nice to see them and have them stay with us!

Jimmy Buffett concert with my sister.  A memorable time, as usual. 

Weddings and birthday parties. (missing some pics)

Father-in law turned 81

Mackel turned 80

Heidi turned 30

Uncle Bob came to visit. (not a single pic - we ate, we got pedicures, we gossiped!)

Perry's first football game of the season.

When did my kid grow up?!?!

Did some painting and redecorating in our master bathroom. Doing yellow decorations throughout. 

Clean eating challenge.  Keith thinks I am trying to make him a rabbit. 

Next up is my favorite time of the year....bring on the pumpkins, mums, cooler air and fall leaves!!!

Weekend Fun

Talk about a whirlwind of a weekend!  I need a few days to help me recover.

Friday night was a trip to the new baseball field to see the WV Black Bears game.  The boys enjoyed themselves and Heidi and I stayed awake (baseball = not my favorite sport).    The fireworks were nice though.

Saturday was spent at the Pittsburg Zoo.  It was HOT but we had fun.

Sunday was spent cleaning house and visiting family from out of town.  And suddenly the weekend was over....

I'm sad to see summer slipping away....and even sadder to see the college kids return ugh.   At least we had one last great weekend :)

6 Months

6 months ago, I started down the path of Operation Get Healthy.  The scale hit a number that I swore to myself I'd never hit and I freaked out.  

Initially, I ate my feelings and gained a few more, but thankfully I came to my senses and scheduled an appointment with my nutritionist.  She gave me a whole new outlook on how to eat and with the help of MyFitnessPal and my gym buddies, I'm still losing.

I've fallen off the wagon a few times (darn vacations) but I'm still doing alright.  I feel so much better and don't feel deprived.  My joints are definitely loving me a lot more! 

I'll battle my weight until the day I die, but at least right now, I feel like I'm making steps in the right direction.  40 down, way too many to go!

PS:  Please excuse the awful bathroom selfie.  Next time I'll declutter, fix my hair and throw on makeup lol.

Just Livin Life

Still alive over here.  No real excitement in life....just enjoying Summer and keeping busy.  I'll let the pictures do the talking.

Traded in the silver beast for a Subaru.  First new car I have ever owned and the husband gets to drive it.

Did a Davinci and Desserts night with coworkers and had a blast.  Watch out Bob Ross!

This is where we spend every spare moment when the sun is shining.

Don't judge.....this was our basement.  Yard sale happens this weekend.  After pictures to come.

And Then?

A month has passed since I wrote the post about being Stuck.  Guess what?  Nothing has changed. 

Every day I wake up and there's a big fat pink elephant in the room and nobody wants to talk about it.   Sometimes I force the conversations that lead us no where. Some days I request information on adopting/fostering and I leave the package tucked out of sight.  Occasionally, I check savings accounts and do the math around IVF.  I'll even admit some days that I secretly hope that since we've "quit trying" that maybe it will magically happen. 

My gynecologist mentioned she'd keep us in mind if she stumbled across a mother who needed a family for her child.  That gave me hope for a day or two.  Then reality set in.

I. DON'T.  KNOW.  WHAT.  TO.  DO.

I need to rip off the bandaid.  We need to make some decisions.  Can someone, anyone tell us what to do?!?  Do we flip a coin?  There aren't just two options so that won't solve anything.  Maybe rock paper scissors will work?!?  

Healthy Eating

Operation Get Healthy has resumed after vacation.   I thought I'd share some of my recent favorites.

Overnight Oats (Aldi had all ingredients)

1/2 cup instant oats (from the tall tube, not the packets)
Teaspoon of flax powder (I bought seeds and grind them)
Teaspoon of chia seeds
Sprinkle of cinnamon
Teaspoon of light agave
10 raspberries
Enough vanilla almond milk to cover all ingredients. 

Pile up the ingredients, cover and refrigerate over night.  
Next morning, stir well and enjoy (I squish up my berries to spread their flavor throughout).

Southwestern Salad. (Aldi had all the ingredients)

A friend recommended some tweaks and this was my final ingredients list.

Chunks

Black Beans

Red bell pepper

Cherry tomatoes

Green onions

Cucumbers

Dressing

Cut back on the cilantro

Over half the avocado

Lime juice

Pre-crushed garlic

A little extra olive oil than they say

White vinegar (didn’t have the fancy stuff)

Salt and pepper

*I might add a jalapeno next time.

I let it set overnight to mesh the flavors and then served over fresh cut Romaine.

 

And my store bought treat of the week was this little box of heaven.  Yum!

Vacation, All I Ever Wanted.....

We ventured on another memorable family vacation last week to the Outer Banks in North Carolina.  The trip was amazing from start to finish. 

Sunday: Arrived, unpacked, grocery store and take out High Cotton BBQ for dinner.

Monday: Duck Donuts!  Pool time!  Sun, relaxing, reading and my dear friend, Chirleen and family came down to say hello and join us for dinner at Rundown Cafe.  They brought us an awesome goodie basket!  It was SO cool to finally get to hug her and squeeze her!!

Tuesday: BEACH.   Pool, outlet shopping, Black Pelican for dinner.

Wednesday: Pool, dinner cooking and more pool.  Chris dropped off some fresh Mahi for dinner YUM!

Thursday: Said goodbye to Bob,  beach, pool, and date night with my husband.  Hello crab-legs.

Friday: Pool, more shopping and Barefoot Bernies for lunch.  Cooked some picnic food for the arrival of Scott and Jenn.

Saturday: Maybe another Duck Donut run happened.   Pool!  Chirleen, Chris and Gabby rejoined us for the day.  We did another pasta night and enjoyed the awesome company.

Sunday: Packed up and drove home in nasty traffic.  Hated saying goodbye to everyone :(

Stuck

I feel like I'm stuck.  I have no idea what to do next.  I don't know if there is a next.

My mind has flipped several times to the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.   I've lived 2 years in denial that we could ever be here.  Anger and jealousy have reared their ugly head more than I'd like to admit.  Bargaining is a constant part of the game..... Just one more try. Please God I'll do anything.  And good ole depression is a no brainer.  Infertility has gotten so many of my tears; second only to losing my Mom.   So when does acceptance come? Or should I say, "does acceptance come?" 

Day 1 no longer means calls to the RE.  There are unused tests under my bathroom sink.   There's the "other bedroom", the lists of baby names, the unworn maternity clothes, and the baby items cocky me bought.  There's so much left unsettled.  There's an emptiness and an elephant in the room that grows bigger all the time.

Yesterday at a conference, an acquaintance asked, "Now you have one or two babies now?"  Ouch.  Does the sting of those conversations ever go away?

To this point, I've felt like we're at least doing something.  Waiting, testing, medicating, monitoring, trying.... Now we're stuck.  I don't even know what cycle day it is (OK that's a lie....) but I sincerely wish I didn't know. 

What now? 

The End (I Think...)

Today marks the end of our journey.  I had my final RE appointment and we're now out of options unless we decide to pursue IVF. 

We sat with hippie Santa Claus and went through our entire case file and basically with my age, labs and conditions, we're just not going to conceive "the old fashioned way."  I know God isn't phased by any of these numbers, and I'll keep praying for a miracle, but I also know that prayers are often answered with a "no." 

I'm slowly processing how I feel about it all.   Devastated is the easiest to identify.  Anger and jealousy.  Overwhelmed.  Unsure and confused.  There's even an ounce of relief that the meds, tests and appointments are over.

Keith is all about trying IVF.  He's the dreamer and free spirit in our marriage.  He doesn't worry about the $15-20k price tag.  He says I'll regret it if we don't try it.  I'm convinced it will leave us in debt with empty arms either due to failure or another loss.  

I really just want to make a public service announcement that we're never having children so everyone knows and the questions and comments will stop.  That just seems so permanent though.

So realistically, it's not the end.  It's another crossroads and more emotions, but today, in my mind it's the end.  Maybe tomorrow will feel different.  Sigh. 

IUI Fail #2

Cruel timing, but today confirmed this last IUI was a bust.   I'll call the doctor tomorrow morning.  Part of me wants to skip this month because of our upcoming vacation, but somehow that makes me feel guilty.   Plus we'll probably be forced to skip the following month because of vacation timing.  Who knows!?   :(