Just Give Me The Drill

There are supposed to be safe places in life.   Places you can go where the emotional/mental pain that's in your life can be forgotten for a while.  Places where my babyless existence isn't the predominant thought in my mind.

Target isn't safe.  Walmart is a battle ground.  Family reunions sheesh those are torture.  Facebook is Russian Roulette. 

But then there are the safe places - well they used to be safe.  Today, I flopped down in the dentist chair and the first words out of my hygienist's mouth were, "We'll I'm finally going to be a Grandma.  My daughter finally came through for me."  No numbing shot, no laughing gas, she just went straight for the kill.  Quite honestly, I'd rather have had the drill!

On a bright note, she didn't ask about my status (I saw her after our IUI and had to postpone xrays so she kinda knows we're trying).  And honestly, I'm happy for her and her daughter, but selfishly, I just wanted a calm tooth cleaning that didn't result in losing another safe place.  I expected chit chat on teeth, family and vacations, but instead I got baby showers, nursery colors and baby names.

Hey, at least I got a toothbrush, floss and toothpaste as a consolation prize... sigh.

Mind Dump

-Rain rain go away! 

-What happens to the first Duggar child who is infertile? Do they get excommunicated from the family?

-Why isn't it socially acceptable for me to grow a Winter fur like my cats do?

-My husband told me I look like Captain America when I wear knee boots.  Now I have to decide if I wear them and go all super hero and kick his butt for the insult OR if I retire my beloved boots?

-I want to bake some Fall goodies, but I don't need to eat sweets.  The struggle is real folks. (Update: The picture below clearly reveals I lost the battle.)

-I am worried that WHEN I have a daughter, she'll be one of those stubborn little stinkers that refuses to wear hair things/head bands.  Lol yes this is the last worry I should have, but it's my mind dump and I can say it if I want to lol

-I can't get enough smelly stuff in my house!   Every wallflower, Scentsy warmer and candle is pumping out the Fall scents. 

-Biggest Loser is making me regret my cheesefries at dinner. 

-I'm procrastinating on getting my flu shot.  I get a low grade fever and feel crappy afterwards so I put it off as long as possible.  Ouchie needles.

-My water bill is going to be through the roof this month because of my new bath soak.  It smells so good!

-I've put a major dent in Christmas shopping.   If I can't focus on breeding this month, I'm going to stress shop lol. 

-My kiddo's football team is undefeated and their first playoff game is Sunday.  GO LEOPARDS!

My Bodyguards

During this whole infertility madness, when I get crappy news, I usually turn to my friends, family and spouse for advice and support....

Most offer "I'm sorry", "That sucks" or some other words of wisdom.  It's good to know they care and are still cheering for Team Baby Riggle.

Then there are two other nuts, who shall remain nameless, who offer these responses (I'm paraphrasing) "Do you want me to punch the Jerkface?" and "Want me to kick his 'butt'?".  Lol.  They've obviously figured out that the perfect response to a doctor delaying my impregnation is to offer to put him in a body cast (please note they're both harmless and would never hurt a fly.)

I can't stop giggling!

Proverbs 17:22 - A merry heart doeth good [like] a medicine....

Recipes a la Riggle

The latest dinners:

Chicken Pot Pie: I borrowed a recipe from AllRecipes and made a few tweaks.  I used frozen mixed vegetables, skipped celery, added 2 diced potatoes, tossed in some onion and garlic powder and used the refrigerated pie crust. I also baked the bottom shell for about 3 minutes before adding contents. 

Pizza Quesadillas: My sister recommended these and they were a hit.

Warm pepperoni in skillet and set aside.

Lay a large flour tortilla in pan.  Spread a very small layer of pizza sauce on half.  Add shredded cheese, pepperoni and any other toppings (I used canned mushrooms and jalapenos) and sprinkle with Italian seasoning.

Fold over and warm on both sides until cheese melts.  Serve with warmed pizza sauce.

And That's Enough

Well, I made it 9 days.   I gave the healing project a whirl, but turns out it's just not for me.  I'm not creative and I'm not a deep thinker.  So I'm tapping out.

Time to focus on the happy stuff!  It's Fall, it's almost the weekend and I'm choosing to smile and laugh today! 

Happy Friday Y'all!

Capture Your Grief Day 9

Day 9: IN MEMORY. There is such a deep-rooted yearning that we feel when our beloved children die. This yearning hurts but it also inspires us to get creative to do something in memory of our children. Have you done anything in memory of your child? Maybe it is something your created for them. A tattoo or a piece of jewellery. Did you create a garden? Maybe you created an organization or a charity benefit. Maybe you took up a new practice. A new hobby. Writing, painting, dancing, reading. Share away.

Again, this just isn't part of my healing.  I've got Perry's big brother announcement shirt that I'll always treasure, but I've not really memorialized our baby in any way.  Maybe this will come later. 

Perry's shirt came from Zoey's Attic and is similar to the one below.   All of my baby stuff is still at my sister's house.  The day we had our ultrasound, I threw everything I had bought in our foyer and told her to make it disappear.  (Yeah, that's not healthy.)  At some point, I'll go through it all.....

Capture Your Grief Day 8

Day 8: RESOURCE. When we become bereaved, in the beginning, many of us look outwards for help. We set out in the night with a blanket and a lantern in search of others like us. Along the road we usually find someone or something and it is with that discovery that we can walk this road with understanding company we watch the sun begin to rise over our worlds again. Share some resources that have aided you in your healing journey. It may be a website, charity, organization, a person/teacher/therapist/new friend etc. Whatever it is, share what is so wonderful about that resource and how it has helped you. Please feel welcome to share links so that others can benefit.

I've always been a blog reader, so after our loss, I was on the hunt for other women who have been in my shoes.  While reading, I found two sites that were full of information and links to other bloggers.

On one particularly bad night, I decided to sign up for some exchanges to attempt to cheer myself up and to hopefully bring some cheer to my exchange partner.   I signed up for a card exchange through www.amateurnester.com and a gift exchange through www.ttcsisters.com .  I never imagined what an impact that decision would have on me.   

I've now "met" two amazing ladies and they've helped me so much!  I am so thankful God brought H and C into my life.  I hope we have long lasting friendships full of more happy times than sad.  They have truly helped me work on healing!

Instagram has also been surprisingly helpful.   There's a whole TTC community on there, that's full of information and support. 

The pictures are the fronts of the cards I've received from exchanges....I love snail mail, and both ladies sent me perfect cards :) 

Capture Your Grief Day 7

Day 7: SACRED PLACE. Do you have a special place that you visit to “be” with your children? A place that you feel connected to? Maybe it is their grave, or a beautiful garden, beach or forest. What does this place mean to you? Why that place? If you haven’t got a sacred place that you visit to remember your children, maybe have a think about finding a beautiful place that you can visit to remember them. It is never too late to do this. Having a sacred space for you to visit to just be, is wonderful for your soul. It gives you some time out to just allow yourself to calm your heart and reconnect with the love that you have for your children.

I don't have a sacred place.  I don't think it's something that would help me in any way.   I totally understand how they could be therapeutic to other ladies, but they're not right for me. 

The only physical location that makes me think of our baby, is the ultrasound room at my fertility doc, and those aren't good or healing memories.  That room hurts.  I keep hoping happy memories will fill that room again....

I know we're not supposed to borrow pictures from other sources, but I can't sum it up better than this.....

Capture Your Grief Day 6

Day 6: BOOKS. So many of us turn to reading in the wake of the death of our children. We take solace in other people’s words, stories, journeys and wisdom. Have you read any books that have helped in this journey of healing after loss? They don’t have to be specifically about the death of a child, just anything that helped you. Share about how they helped you and what you loved about them. You can share books that help grieving children too. Please feel welcome to share links.

After the miscarriage, I saw a post on Facebook about the best books on infertility.  Silent Sorority was the most recommended so I quickly downloaded it on my Nook.  The next day I ordered the rest from a used bookstore online.   

So far, I've only read Silent Sorority, mainly because we've been busy lately and also because my brain and heart needed a break.  The book held my attention and had great tips, but it just wasn't the right book for me at this point in our battle.  This story focuses on accepting a childless life, but we're not at that point yet. (Jesus please)  

I'm looking forward to seeing the other books that are recommended by ladies participating in this project.  Winter is my reading season, so bring on the books.  I've got an awesome new mug and Starbucks hot chocolate (Thanks, Holly S.) that will go perfectly with a good book. 

As far as reading things to help me heal, really those have been quotes on Pinterest, emails from friends, cards, and things posted on Instagram.  

Capture Your Grief Day 5

Day 5: JOURNAL. Writing is a wonderful tool for healing. When you put your pen to paper you may have no idea where you are going or where you will end up and that is the beauty of it. It is your own adventure. Find some time today to write. You can write about whatever is on your heart right now. It gives you the chance to write down anything that you need to release. Some ideas on things to write about are, you could write a letter to your children or maybe a letter to yourselves. You may want to write about what you are feeling in this present moment or maybe you could write about a memory you have of your children. Do you have a poem inside you or a short story that is waiting to come out? Maybe it is just one word, that needs to be written over and over and over. Whatever it is, write as little or as much as you need to. You may want to write in a journal, on a piece of paper, a postcard, a post-it note, a blackboard or a tree in your garden. If you try to write something today and it all seems to go horribly wrong, don’t be disappointed. This is where you are in your journey at this very point in time and sometimes our minds are too clouded to be able to  write. You can always come back to it or skip the day together. There is no pressure to complete this project. Remember my rules!

For My Future Rainbow Baby/Babies....A list of my promises to you:

1. I promise to love you.   I believe there's no better gift than love.

2. I promise to tell you all about how long the road was to bring you into our family just so you never doubt that you're meant to be exactly where you are. (When you're old enough to understand)

3. I promise to take you to all of the places I've dreamed of taking my children: Pumpkin patches,  American Girl store (sorry son), Disney World, dance class, sporting events,  etc.

4. I promise to tell you about your brother or sister in heaven and about your Grandma who would have loved you more than you'll ever be able to fathom.

5. I promise to rock you and sing to you and kiss your boo boos and "baby" you in the way that only a Mommy can.

6. I promise to raise you to have manners, a work ethic and respect. I promise to punish you when you need it, only to teach you right from wrong.

7. I promise to fight for my marriage so you grow up with a solid example of what a marriage should be.  I'll try my best to teach you how to be a good spouse and parent.

8. I promise to teach you about Jesus and raise you in church.  I can't wait to hear you sing Jesus Loves Me.

9. I promise to show you the importance of family.  You'll be loved by people who are blood family and our "extra" family; they've all been praying for you.

10. I promise to love you.  It's worth repeating....You will be loved my sweet baby.

Capture Your Grief Day 4

Day 4: NOW. Who are you now in this present moment? What are you feeling? Have you been irrevocably changed by the death of your children? How are you different now? Do you love anything about the new you? What do you want to become? 

I'm broken, but healing.  I'm loved and I'm thankful for my friends and family who've helped pick up the pieces.  I'm scared but yet cautiously hopeful.

Today, I feel OK.  I love that I finally got the nerve to reach out to other women who've struggled with infertility and loss.  I even found a girl with UU so I'm anxious to learn from each other. 

The picture below was snapped to show a friend my ginormous coffee, but it works for this.  I look tired and worn.  Sleep just doesn't come easily right now. I don't have much of a sparkle in my eyes.  And I think the daily aspirin is making me feel rough too.  But, each day is better.

I want to become more positive and allow myself to dream of a happy ending again.  I need to kick start my diet and exercise to feel better!   I want to believe in happy pregnancies with healthy babies at the end.  I want to really laugh again....

Capture Your Grief Day 3

Day 3: BEFORE. Who were you before your children died?  How have you changed? Do you miss anything about that person? What did you love about that person? Did you dislike anything? Do you see your life as before and after or do you believe that you have always been changing?

I was broken in hundreds of pieces from the loss of my Mom, but losing our baby broke those pieces even more.  I wanted my Mom to be there to comfort me so the pain was just multiplied. 

I used to believe in happily ever after.  I used to believe that my life would turn out like my childhood dreams.  I used to think that losing Mom was the only crappy hand I'd be dealt in life.  Silly girl. 

I searched through old pictures and this is the perfect representation of "Before."  This was before infertility and Clomid and Femara and Lupus Anticoagulant and Unicornuate Uterus and miscarriage.  This is when babies and baby showers and pregnancy announcements were about joy and happiness, instead of  those emotions plus a mix of pain and jealousy.  I hate that this version of me may have hurt someone struggling with infertility/baby loss, because she didn't know how insensitive it was to say/ask certain things.  

The girl below doesn't have tears or worry or pain related to starting a family.  She still doesn't know that she'll only be able to hold her baby in her heart.  I miss the innocence, hope and joy that miscarriages steal. 

Capture Your Grief Day 2

Day 2: HEART. In previous years, I asked people to post photos of their children on one of the days. Of course with me not giving this enough thought, this excluded all of the people who did not have photos of their children. So this year I wanted to do something that everyone could take part in, regardless of whether or not they have photographs. Today’s subject is inspired by the poem “I Carry Your Heart” by E.E. Cummings. Let’s flood the world with a sea of hearts in honour of all the children that we are dedicating this project to. Who are you carrying in your heart?  Draw a heart to represent your own heart and write your children’s names in the center of them. If you did not name your children, just draw the number of hearts that you are carrying inside your heart. You do not need to be creative to do this, just a simple hand drawn heart will be perfect. You may want to write a little about your children’s stories. Share as much or as little as you feel comfortable with. I look forward to seeing all of your beautiful hearts!

After reading this description, I instantly thought of my bracelet.  A heart and our baby's nickname is on one of the charms. 
"Doodle" was a nickname that I heard years ago and it stuck with me.  The little girl they called Doodlebug had big curls and a huge smile, and I imagined my little girl (or boy) would look similar. 

I sometimes regret not officially naming our baby... It just hurt too bad to talk about it.

So, Doodle will always be in my heart until we are reunited in Heaven. 

Capture Your Grief Day 1

October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month and a healing project is being led by the Carly Marie Project. 

I've decided to participate (some days) and see where it takes me.  I feel cheesy when I "reflect" but I'm doing it anyway.  If you want to skip these posts, I totally understand. 

Day 1: SUNRISE. Let us honour the beginning of this healing month by waking up early to watch the sunrise wherever we in the world. This will be a beautifully, poignant way for us all to feel connected and energized for the month ahead. When you go outside to watch the sunrise this morning, don’t just snap a picture and upload it right there on the stop. Take some time to breathe the sunrise in. Make yourself a nice cup of tea and sit down to breathe in the fresh air, the scent of the new morning and all of the colours and sounds. Spend some time reflecting upon your children and your journey so far. Give yourself some time to feel at peace. If there is no visible sunrise in your part of the world because of the weather, don’t be upset, this is life and nature, and it really doesn’t matter. All that matters is that you take the time out of your day to be with us all in spirit. Take a photo of your surroundings, no matter what the weather is like. If you share your photo online make sure you write what State/Country you are in and the time of the sunrise. So google the sunrise time in your part of the world and set your alarm. Send some love out to everyone else in the world who is grieving the death of a child and remember those gone before us who were made to grieve in silence. We honour these people too.

The sun didn't rise here in Morgantown, WV USA.  It's rainy, dreary and blue.  The Eeyore side of me thinks, Yup that's fitting.  Life is sad and blue and hurts like hell some times.  But the parts of my heart that have healed know the sun will be back.  The warmth and brightness isn't gone forever. 

Today, someone in the world will be told their baby doesn't have a heartbeat anymore.  I'm praying for them and know how rainy and dreary and cold the world feels to them.  But today, I got a card swap email from a lady who lost her firstborn son, but is now the proud adoptive Mommy of a sweet little girl - a great reminder that the sun comes up and warms your soul.  

Here's my first picture.... It's far from fancy and was taken during my morning rush.   Below is another shot I took last night after a rain storm.   This project is already forcing me to stop and appreciate little things and makes me smile as I remember our baby.