When Your Mom Goes to Heaven

My friend's Mom died yesterday.  Just typing those words makes me tear up.   I know the heart ache and I know the pain.  Sometimes I wish someone had warned me what to expect and told me how to make it through.   Sometimes I'm thankful they didn't.  

If I could tell her anything, it might go something like this.

Dear friend,

Welcome to the club that you never wanted to join.  The club that you don't truly understand until you're one of us and the club you wouldn't invite even your worst enemy to join.

Here we know a pain so deep it squeezes your heart and takes your breath.  You will question multiple times if it might kill you, it won't.   You will cry and wonder if there is ever going to be an end to the tears, there will.

Here we feel like we're on the world's fastest and longest roller coaster of emotions that will never end, but it does slow down.   You'll want to scream at the top of your lungs, "Don't you know my Mom is dead?" and hate everyone for living in normalcy, so scream if you want.

You'll pick up the phone to call her.  You'll listen to her voicemail message.  You'll cry because you don't know her meatloaf recipe.  You'll develop a deep hate for Mother's Day commercials.   You'll miss the things she did that drove you nuts, more than anything else.  

You will hear people say some of the dumbest things, but remember they're just trying to help (trust me, this is so hard.)  You will also see the good in people as they love and support you, let them help.

I know you're in a complete fog right now and it feels like it will never end.   As time passes, you'll realize that God and love are the only things that kept you upright during these days.  I won't tell you time heals all wounds, because it doesn't.  You'll cry less with time, but there will always be a hole in your heart.   It does get easier to breathe, and I promise that you will learn to smile at the memories that now only bring you tears.

You will make it through this hell.  I remember people telling me that and I thought, "Well obviously they didn't love and need their Mom as much as I do," but they did love them, they were just farther along in healing.   Speaking of healing, don't even read the stages of grief, you'll heal how you are meant to heal and if that involves meds, counselors or whatever else you need, do it.  

I promise I'm here to help you in any way possible.  I'll tell you every crazy meltdown I had (Walmart Spice aisle was a favorite), I'll teach you how to "therapy cook" for a small army, and most importantly I'll sit and cry with you, because you need to get it out.  

I'm sorry your world is shattered right now.  I'm sorry you won't see your Mom again until Heaven.  I'm sorry there aren't better words than, "I'm sorry."  But know you're loved and we'll get you through this. 

I know you can't see it now, but one day you will be able to help someone else through a time like this.  One day you'll realize you survived and that your Mom would want you to smile again.  It's all part of being in the club....

With love,
Misses My Mommy Too

Casserole Love

This recipe was a huge hit at brunch so I thought I'd share (my modifications are in parenthesis)

Pecan French Toast

2 loaves Pepperidge Farm cinnamon swirl bread (I used Walmart brand)
Butter, for pan
8 large eggs
2 cups half-and-half
1 cup milk
2 tablespoons sugar (I accidentally left out)
1 tablespoon vanilla extract
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon (I replaced this and nutmeg with Pumpkin Pie Spice)
1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg (see above)
Dash salt

Praline Topping, recipe follows

In a large bowl, combine the eggs, half-and-half, milk, sugar, vanilla, cinnamon, nutmeg and salt and beat until blended but not too bubbly. Dip bread in egg mixture and arrange slices in a generously buttered 9 by 13-inch flat baking dish. Make two layers. (I tore the bread into small pieces so it would all fit in my pan.  I highly recommend doing this.)  There will be leftover liquid, you can spoon some extra onto the bread and then discard the rest.

Cover with foil and refrigerate overnight.

The next day, preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Prepare and spread praline topping evenly over the bread and bake for 45 minutes, until puffed and lightly golden. 

Praline Topping:
1/2 pound (2 sticks) butter
1 cup packed light brown sugar
1 cup chopped pecans
2 tablespoons light corn syrup
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon (used Pumpkin Pie Spice again)
1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg (see above)

Combine all ingredients in a medium bowl and blend well. Spread over bread as directed above.

Christmas Craziness

Christmas was a whirlwind (as usual) but we survived and had a great time.

Christmas Eve: Sandwiches and sides at Lala's house.   Gift exchange for kiddos.  Spent the night at Heidi and Randy's house.

Christmas Day:  Exchanged with Heidi, Randy and Keith.   Breakfast at Mackel's.  Lunch at Lala's and back to Mackel's for dinner.   My poor Dad ended up in the ER because of his neck/nerve damage, but he did make it to dinner. 

Day After Christmas: We finally got Perry and the troops invaded our house.  We hosted 14 people for brunch and then opened gifts gifts and more gifts.

I'm still recovering, but I'm so thankful for the time with family. 

Here We Go Again

Santa decided to bring me CD1 as an early Christmas gift (boo) so that left me scrambling to get ahold of the doc before they closed early on Christmas Eve.  They decided I could wait until today to get scanned, so bright and early this morning we ventured to his office.

The short version: My cyst is gone, another round of Letrozole and 3 days after a positive OPK, I start Progesterone suppositories.   These are new to me and I'm dreading all the fun I've read about, but I'll do whatever is needed.   I asked about a scan to see which side I'm ovulating on and he said it wasn't necessary, until I reminded him about my Unicornuate Uterus and now I'll be going in for a scan next Friday.   Yet again, he makes me worry that he has no clue which patient is which.   He also skipped blood work this month because of timing so I'm clueless about the estradiol numbers.

Here we go again....

Hit Me With Your Best Shot

I feel like yelling "Man down.  Man down. What's been hit?" and dramatically falling to the ground.   The pregnancy announcements y'all... they're flying at me from every angle.   I feel like everyone I know had one big baby making convention and I missed the memo.  

Sheesh.

There is usually a break between the announcements.  This month they're constant.

Let's review their social media methods, shall we?

We Prayed, God Answered:  Um, can you pray for me too please, because I pray and obviously get a very different answer.

The Upcoming Movie Poster:  Yeah, I could make a movie too, featuring an ultrasound-wand fight scene and crazy girl meltdowns.

Only Child Expiring: What a coincidence, apparently my eggs are expiring too!

Santa Baby Shirt: Note to Self-You need to beg Santa too apparently.  Pray to God and Bribe Santa - check!

These are just a few that came to mind, not even mentioning the 16 YES 16 friends who are farther along. 

So after what seems like a bitter rant, let me just say I'm happy for these ladies.  Some of them have waited a long time for their miracles, but sheesh, let's go a day or two without a kill shot, shall we? 

Oh and please say a prayer for a friend of mine who is hoping and praying for a Christmas miracle of her own.  Santa, bring her a BFP for Christmas, please (I'm willing to barter with cookies.)   :)

Merry Christmas Everyone!  

Griswolds and Goodies

Saturday morning was spent running errands and feeling sorry for the people with a sheer look of panic in their eyes as they rushed to shop for gifts. 

Stumbling across some awesome coupons at Target for baking ingredients (Cartwheel and text to save) inspired me to attempt peanut butter balls for the first time.  

I quickly learned it's time to invest in the commercial size KitchenAid, but overall it went well.  I of course turned on Christmas Vacation to enjoy while rolling the filling. 

It's nice to enjoy some laid back days before the holidays. 

My Grandma's Super Healthy Recipe
3 sticks of butter softened
1 bag of powdered sugar (2 lbs)
1.5 jars of peanut butter (27 oz.)

Mix together and form into balls. Freeze for an hour or more. 

Melt candy coating bars and dip balls. (I obviously haven't perfected this technique)

Dry on wax paper.

Enjoy!

Christmas Cookies

When I was little,  my Grandma helped us make Christmas cookies every year.  It is one of my favorite childhood memories, so of course it was time to teach Perry how it's done.  

Now don't be too jealous of our artistic skills!  Luckily we bake better than we decorate!  These things are delicious!

Gotta love a good Pinterest recipe (Yes the sour cream sounded nasty to me too, but it made the best cookies I've baked in my 32 years).

Deck The Halls

We've been decorating!  It was delayed and it's nothing extravagant, but it's just right for us! 
 

I love Christmas....the twinkling lights, the scents, the traditions and the reason for the season, make me jolly. 
 

So here's a tour of our home. 

 

First stop:  My Mom's tree.   After she passed away, I inherited this beauty.  She's not pre-lit, the colors on the branches that guide setup are falling off, and she's massive, but she's mine.   Like my sister has said 20 times, "They just don't make trees like this anymore."   (Of course the pic doesn't do it justice).  I've always dreamed of having a real tree, but my aforementioned sister is allergic, so game over lol.

 

 

 

Next stop: The boys' tree (that I hijacked.) There's a battle in our house, colored lights vs white lights, and this year we compromised.  The boys put up a tree in the kitchen nook and I forced them to add ribbon.   Our family ornaments have migrated to this tree too.   I think our 2014 ornament turned out pretty cute!

 

 

 

 

Next up: The random touches throughout the house.  My musical tree that has been in my family forever and other randomness.   Of course the candles and Scentsy scents are all gingerbread, cookies, cinnamon, etc.

 

 

 

The latest addition: An answer to one of my greatest Christmas issues!  My sister found this lovely piece at TJMaxx and I LOVE it!   I love cards but never had the right place for them, until now. 

 

 

 

What's missing: Stockings and a nativity scene.  These are on my "buy during after Christmas sales."  We have mismatched stockings and no holders.  It's a mess.  And I'm still on the search for a perfect yet affordable nativity.

 

Last stop: Our front door decor and light up packages.   We can't have the neighbors thinking we're Scrooges! 

 

 

Merry Christmas from our house to yours! 

Every Storm Runs Out of Rain

Thank you, Gary Allan, for the blog title  ;)

I checked my voicemail yesterday and  my doctor left me a voicemail on Friday (I despise voicemail, so I ignore them.)  I didn't have a missed call, so apparently my phone decided I didn't need the news until after the weekend.

Anyway, my blood results are confusing.  That's the gist of the message.   My estradiol is 113, but my FSH and another hormone (he mumbles) are normal.   Either the cyst on my good ovary is causing mischief or I've got a decreased ovarian reserve.  

So then me and Google decided to do our own medical analysis and my results can also signify ovarian cancer or early menopause.  

So, I called the office and talked to the nurse and basically we're back to waiting for Day 1 again.   Then we scan and take blood again.  And until then, I wait and worry and ignore this pain in my side.

And I also get angrier that this bloodwork hasn't been done before.  I feel like we take one step forward and three steps back.   Why can't they just run every test in the book on me?  Poke, prod, scan and test everything and tell me once and for all what we're working with.  

So here I am again reminding myself that eventually this storm will pass.  It might not end with sunshine and rainbows, but it will pass.  (random thought: Why do I associate my infertility with weather so often?.... I'll add that to the list of things to have psycho analyzed lol.)

Sigh.

Furry Kids

On a rainy winter day, I had nothing better to do than reflect on something deep and meaningful.   So here it is....

10 Ways My Cats Are Preparing Me For Parenthood

1.  I've perfected the art of 101 nicknames instead of using their given names.  Josephine Margaret is JoJo Binx, Binkies, Little Mama.   Roosuphus George Harold is Rooey, Roostapher, Handsome Butt.

2. I'm skilled at saying, "Don't bite your Mama," "Quit smacking your sister," and "Do my kids want breakfast?".

3.  I've learned to clean up bodily fluids with minimal gagging.

4. I'm used to sleeping on a quarter of the bed as to not disturb the little ones who've invited themselves in.

5. I've learned how to child/cat proof the Christmas tree.

6. I've learned not to waste my money on expensive gifts, because there's a high chance the box or ribbon are going to be the biggest hit.

7. I've realized that missing or delaying a feeding is welcomed with screams that make you cringe.

8.  I've learned that it's always OK to rock and sing to them.  They might scream louder, but they secretly love it.

9.  I've practiced taking hundreds of pictures of all those major milestones: sleeping, yawning, playing, eating, etc.

10. Last but not least, I've learned to love something so much and do whatever necessary to keep them alive and healthy. 

And now, I'll go back to Gilmore Girls on Netflix.  I really should be wrapping gifts, but these bed hogs have forbidden it ;)

Red Light

Apparently good blood results weren't all we needed for a green light. *sigh*

I went to see the Doc this morning and his first comment was, "So you decided to take a break?"  UM NO!   You told us we had to take a break until my blood results came back.  I still don't know where the miscommunication happened. 

He asked about my cycles during our "break" and he responded that they're too short.  Um they've been like this since I started seeing him.  (I have an Excel spreadsheet, duh!) So then we went into the room with the probe and he mumbled something about my endometrium reports from when I was 13 (um 19 years ago by the same doc who just accidentally didn't notice my UU while she was in there) and then BAM Oh you've got a big cyst on your left ovary.  Yes my good ovary.   (He proceeded to poke it a few times just for good measure.)

I finally got my clothes back and to the conference room we went.   More blood work, no treatments this month, more waiting.  

So I got poked twice.  Cried in the car.   Stopped for breakfast and cried over my chicken while my poor husband looked at me like he's afraid I'm going to totally melt down.   Poor guy. 

So now we wait for blood results from Boston.  Guess Santa isn't bringing us a baby for Christmas.  

This is what chicken therapy looks like lol

Green Light

My blood results are back....... and my blood passed!!!!  The aspirin helped and the doc will now let us go back to TTC.

WOOHOOOOO. 

I decided to check my online chart on Thanksgiving and there the results were.  LA negative!  I'll take that over turkey any ole day :) 

And then I was freaking out that Day 1 would happen while my doc was closed for the holiday, but that hasn't happened either!  Thank you God for answering our prayers!

*Happy dance*

These Are A Few of My Favorite Things

I finally got to go to a Favorite Things party!   I've always wanted to throw or participate in one, and the invitation arrived a few weeks ago! 

A small group of 7 ladies got together and we had a blast. There were a few kinks in everyone's interpretation of the directions, but we made it work!

I took 3 sets of Shea Moisture Superfruit soap with loofahs and 2 sets of OPI nail polish with hair ties (my friend, Holly, introduced me to these ties and I'm addicted.)  Apparently I was supposed to take 5 different items oops.

Anyway, the loot was all creative and fun.  There were tons of Bath and Body works items, food, alcohol, pampering items, gift cards, cooking items and other odds and ends.

I left with a wine sippy cup with merlot, a Margarita set (Fresca, tequila, lime and citrus squeezer), Jelly Bellys with a lip balm,  Pumpkin Spice maple syrup, and a Mexican feast set. 

My sister left with a Target gift card, ramekins, one of my soap sets, a hair brush and a coffee mug with a 31 mini bag.

There were steals, threats, bartering and cat fights, but we had a blast.  A B&BW gift set was the biggest hit.  I personally wanted an apron that someone brought!

I can't wait to participate in another one!  Thanks to the Huggins ladies for hosting and for the cute peppermint hot chocolate favor :)

Macaroni Drama

I'm stressed.  Work is stressful.  Holidays are stressful.  Snow stresses my husband which I find stressful.  And don't even get me started on the stress associated with your husband having an ex wife/baby mama.  So right now waiting for blood work results and thinking about trying again is more than I signed up for.

So after a particularly crappy day in the office, I come home to find that my husband can't find the icing for a cake be baked that we needed to take to a dinner.  I dig through the entire pantry, realize my sister might have gotten it mixed in with her groceries, confirm this and reload the pantry and the last box is a jumbo container of elbow macaroni and it went everywhere.  

So I cry.  I go upstairs and dig out my fat pants and I cry.  I suck it up, go to dinner, wear the first bite of food, and ice the cake.   So I cut myself a therapy slice, take a bite and almost gag.  I have no idea whatsoever what my husband did or didn't do, but the cake tasted like nastiness. 

So now the cake is in the trash.  The elbow macaroni is in the vacuum.  My shirt is soaking.  And I'm contemplating a quick stay in the nut house.   Maybe this is what they mean when they say, "She's lost her noodle."

Tomorrow will be better!

Pottery Painting Fun

We finally had a weekend with nothing planned, so we ventured to our local pottery shop.   I had big plans of participating in their Gobble Til You Wobble platter class, but it was canceled, so I decided to copy another piece instead (I'm not creative folks). 

We drug my Dad and Lisa with us and they actually enjoyed themselves.  I forgot to snap pictures of everything before it was cooked, but here are some action shots and the finished products!

I did the plate.  Keith made the owl mug.  Perry did the football bank. (The first football is the one I came home with originally until we realized my kid didn't have blue paint oops lol) Dad made the large mug.  And Lisa painted an ornament. 

(Please ignore my child's hair....Ugh to horrible haircuts/hairstyles.)

Give Me That 2 Week Wait

Every girl that is trying to have a baby knows the torture of the two week wait (the time between ovulation and pregnancy test).  I've watched those 14 days crawl by and I know how anxious I was.... so imagine that multiplied by 6.  That's right, I'm still trudging through the twelve week wait and I'M LOSING MY MIND!

I've never been so excited for blood work in my life.   I want to get the results and get on with things.  We've got a baby to make!  

I should be halfway this week....I still get reminders of what should have been.  I still get choked up when I see other Mamas who are due in March.

Anyway, we're waiting and waiting some more.  Patience Holly patience.  Sigh.

While We Wait

When I first found out I was pregnant, I was thrilled.  I will admit though that there were two things that I instantly missed:  hot baths and hot dogs.  (Quit judging)

Anyway, since I can't eat hot dogs daily, I've been taking daily hot baths and I'm convinced they're a little bit of heaven on earth, thanks to my latest product discovery from a favorite blog.

I started out with one product and I'm now up to four.  Two ladies on my Christmas list are also getting the products with their gifts.  I can't explain how good these smell!   I honestly want to go buy more, but then I'm crossing into obsessed hoarder status so I'll control myself.  (Now if Target or Ulta have a good coupon, all bets are off.)

So, while we wait, I'll continue to soak and smell these amazing scents and after we finally get our baby, I'll stock up on (more of) their baby line! 

Just Give Me The Drill

There are supposed to be safe places in life.   Places you can go where the emotional/mental pain that's in your life can be forgotten for a while.  Places where my babyless existence isn't the predominant thought in my mind.

Target isn't safe.  Walmart is a battle ground.  Family reunions sheesh those are torture.  Facebook is Russian Roulette. 

But then there are the safe places - well they used to be safe.  Today, I flopped down in the dentist chair and the first words out of my hygienist's mouth were, "We'll I'm finally going to be a Grandma.  My daughter finally came through for me."  No numbing shot, no laughing gas, she just went straight for the kill.  Quite honestly, I'd rather have had the drill!

On a bright note, she didn't ask about my status (I saw her after our IUI and had to postpone xrays so she kinda knows we're trying).  And honestly, I'm happy for her and her daughter, but selfishly, I just wanted a calm tooth cleaning that didn't result in losing another safe place.  I expected chit chat on teeth, family and vacations, but instead I got baby showers, nursery colors and baby names.

Hey, at least I got a toothbrush, floss and toothpaste as a consolation prize... sigh.

Mind Dump

-Rain rain go away! 

-What happens to the first Duggar child who is infertile? Do they get excommunicated from the family?

-Why isn't it socially acceptable for me to grow a Winter fur like my cats do?

-My husband told me I look like Captain America when I wear knee boots.  Now I have to decide if I wear them and go all super hero and kick his butt for the insult OR if I retire my beloved boots?

-I want to bake some Fall goodies, but I don't need to eat sweets.  The struggle is real folks. (Update: The picture below clearly reveals I lost the battle.)

-I am worried that WHEN I have a daughter, she'll be one of those stubborn little stinkers that refuses to wear hair things/head bands.  Lol yes this is the last worry I should have, but it's my mind dump and I can say it if I want to lol

-I can't get enough smelly stuff in my house!   Every wallflower, Scentsy warmer and candle is pumping out the Fall scents. 

-Biggest Loser is making me regret my cheesefries at dinner. 

-I'm procrastinating on getting my flu shot.  I get a low grade fever and feel crappy afterwards so I put it off as long as possible.  Ouchie needles.

-My water bill is going to be through the roof this month because of my new bath soak.  It smells so good!

-I've put a major dent in Christmas shopping.   If I can't focus on breeding this month, I'm going to stress shop lol. 

-My kiddo's football team is undefeated and their first playoff game is Sunday.  GO LEOPARDS!

My Bodyguards

During this whole infertility madness, when I get crappy news, I usually turn to my friends, family and spouse for advice and support....

Most offer "I'm sorry", "That sucks" or some other words of wisdom.  It's good to know they care and are still cheering for Team Baby Riggle.

Then there are two other nuts, who shall remain nameless, who offer these responses (I'm paraphrasing) "Do you want me to punch the Jerkface?" and "Want me to kick his 'butt'?".  Lol.  They've obviously figured out that the perfect response to a doctor delaying my impregnation is to offer to put him in a body cast (please note they're both harmless and would never hurt a fly.)

I can't stop giggling!

Proverbs 17:22 - A merry heart doeth good [like] a medicine....

Recipes a la Riggle

The latest dinners:

Chicken Pot Pie: I borrowed a recipe from AllRecipes and made a few tweaks.  I used frozen mixed vegetables, skipped celery, added 2 diced potatoes, tossed in some onion and garlic powder and used the refrigerated pie crust. I also baked the bottom shell for about 3 minutes before adding contents. 

Pizza Quesadillas: My sister recommended these and they were a hit.

Warm pepperoni in skillet and set aside.

Lay a large flour tortilla in pan.  Spread a very small layer of pizza sauce on half.  Add shredded cheese, pepperoni and any other toppings (I used canned mushrooms and jalapenos) and sprinkle with Italian seasoning.

Fold over and warm on both sides until cheese melts.  Serve with warmed pizza sauce.

And That's Enough

Well, I made it 9 days.   I gave the healing project a whirl, but turns out it's just not for me.  I'm not creative and I'm not a deep thinker.  So I'm tapping out.

Time to focus on the happy stuff!  It's Fall, it's almost the weekend and I'm choosing to smile and laugh today! 

Happy Friday Y'all!

Capture Your Grief Day 9

Day 9: IN MEMORY. There is such a deep-rooted yearning that we feel when our beloved children die. This yearning hurts but it also inspires us to get creative to do something in memory of our children. Have you done anything in memory of your child? Maybe it is something your created for them. A tattoo or a piece of jewellery. Did you create a garden? Maybe you created an organization or a charity benefit. Maybe you took up a new practice. A new hobby. Writing, painting, dancing, reading. Share away.

Again, this just isn't part of my healing.  I've got Perry's big brother announcement shirt that I'll always treasure, but I've not really memorialized our baby in any way.  Maybe this will come later. 

Perry's shirt came from Zoey's Attic and is similar to the one below.   All of my baby stuff is still at my sister's house.  The day we had our ultrasound, I threw everything I had bought in our foyer and told her to make it disappear.  (Yeah, that's not healthy.)  At some point, I'll go through it all.....

Capture Your Grief Day 8

Day 8: RESOURCE. When we become bereaved, in the beginning, many of us look outwards for help. We set out in the night with a blanket and a lantern in search of others like us. Along the road we usually find someone or something and it is with that discovery that we can walk this road with understanding company we watch the sun begin to rise over our worlds again. Share some resources that have aided you in your healing journey. It may be a website, charity, organization, a person/teacher/therapist/new friend etc. Whatever it is, share what is so wonderful about that resource and how it has helped you. Please feel welcome to share links so that others can benefit.

I've always been a blog reader, so after our loss, I was on the hunt for other women who have been in my shoes.  While reading, I found two sites that were full of information and links to other bloggers.

On one particularly bad night, I decided to sign up for some exchanges to attempt to cheer myself up and to hopefully bring some cheer to my exchange partner.   I signed up for a card exchange through www.amateurnester.com and a gift exchange through www.ttcsisters.com .  I never imagined what an impact that decision would have on me.   

I've now "met" two amazing ladies and they've helped me so much!  I am so thankful God brought H and C into my life.  I hope we have long lasting friendships full of more happy times than sad.  They have truly helped me work on healing!

Instagram has also been surprisingly helpful.   There's a whole TTC community on there, that's full of information and support. 

The pictures are the fronts of the cards I've received from exchanges....I love snail mail, and both ladies sent me perfect cards :)