Third Time Is The Charm

Written before our loss:

July 17, 2017
Well it's time for my annual Summer pregnancy.  

2014: Doodle
2015: Nugget
2016: Took a break to have hernia surgery and get my stomach acid issues under control
2017: Round 3

So, after vacation, we found a house to buy.  We've been searching for 4 years and this one just landed in our laps (I'll blog about that later).  So we're dealing with the craziness and stress of having 2 mortgages and getting everything done when a friend joked that this would be the time I'd get pregnant.  I brushed them off because of spotting I'd had that morning and went back to creating my to-do lists.   

A few days later, no period...I take the cheap tests and BFNs....I blame stress and keep on trucking.  One night my loving husband tells me I'm being a psycho crazy woman (this also occurs with aforementioned annual pregnancies) and I thought maybe I should take a real test.  The next morning I drag the expired thing out of the back of the cabinet and suddenly the faintest line ever appears.   I make him analyze it with me, because well let's face it, the cute announcement boat has sailed after 2 losses.  Not meaning that this baby deserves any less, just that I'm more guarded and less hopeful... I'm damaged.  

So the new doctor we're seeing, who insisted on this 6 months of natural attempts, isn't a fertility specialist.  He's a high risk doctor in a family medicine clinic so getting to talk to someone is hard.  They finally get my orders in for blood-work before lunch.   After lunch, my beta was 26 (the lowest on the preggo chart) and my progesterone is way low.  So I'm started on capsules and we repeat on Thursday. 

Obviously the clock has stopped moving but thankfully, moving and mortgage stuff has me crazy occupied.

I sit and stare at the tests and analyze them.  I want one to light up like I'm pregnant with quints ha. 

Numbers and Dates

Started writing before our loss:

7/20/17

Up bright and early Thursday morning to be the first stabbing at the lab.  Rush home to await results..... drumroll please,  62.  And progesterone has gone up (thanks to meds). 

Wait for hours for the doc to call and crickets.  I finally call them and talk to the nurse.  Met with the same cautious and worried tone as last time.  I ask about baby aspirin and they agree it's a good idea (good cause I started it days ago).  They also want to monitor my thyroid. 

Repeat bloodwork on Monday.  Monday is a big big day. Takes my breath away. 

We're still avoiding the subject.  In the past I would have bought something by now or dug out name books.  Not this time.  I've learned the pain that causes.... I'm teary eyed just thinking of that pain.  Dear God, I beg you to let this time be different. 

7/24/17

185

So very hopeful!!!

7/28/17

ER - ectopic pregnancy.  1 day shy of 6 weeks.

7/31/2017

Methotrexate injections

And We're Here Again

Another loss.  Another heartbreak.  Another baby we'll only hold in heaven. 

Almost a month later and I'm still dealing with this ectopic pregnancy.  Methotrexate, hospitals and that empty, sad feeling. 

I feel like I need to write everything down, yet I don't feel like opening the wounds more.  I'll publish the pieces I started writing during happier times, because this baby deserves to be remembered. 

It just hurts. A lot.