You Gonna Have A Football Team?

Mani and pedis are my happy place.  They're the perfect mix of pampering and relaxing and give me sister time. 

We've been customers of the same shop for over ten years.  The owners have given us birthday and wedding giftcards and know us by name.  We love chatting with them!

Since we both got married, they've now moved on to asking us about babies every time we visit.   I brace myself for this and know it's part of the visit, but totally I got an extra twist.   "So honey you gonna have one baby or you gonna have a football team?"  Oh silly lady.... This uterus doesn't wanna grow one, let alone eleven plus.  

Today,  I was in a good enough place to just laugh.  My sister offered to inflict bodily harm, but it didn't come to that this time lol.  

I might have a defective reproduction system, but at least my nails and toes look pretty now ;)

Nothing Zilch Zero Nada

That's the report on my follicles for the month.   Doc thinks I might have a hidden one on my right side (Unicornuate issues) but they'll scan again next Tuesday just to be sure.

My endometrium was 7.1 so that's good.

I also met with the nutritionist and I'm starting down the path to improve my health and weight.  So far I like her approach.  I had to pick 2 areas to improve.   For the next month, I have to move more, drink more water, eat breakfast, and cut back my processed foods (I picked 4 things).  I'll meet her again in a month and we'll decide on the next steps. 

Not a great visit, but I'm oddly OK with it.  This month will be a good mental break and let me start bettering my body. 

Happy Mail

So excited to receive the beautiful bracelet I won in a giveaway on Dreaming of Dimples' blog.  Thank you for cohosting this thoughtful giveaway with Fertile Gems.  I'll definitely be ordering more items :)

I love my bracelet and can't wait to wear it during upcoming appointments.  This is also my first gift of baby dust so that was a nice surprise!  Xoxo

(My camera phone doesn't do the bracelet justice.)

Merry Go Round

I've decided my life feels like a Merry Go Round these days.   You climb on expecting great things, you go up and down and then you're disappointed it's over and you're begging for another ride.  As is infertility.   Each month, I get excited that this is our month.  I have the days of feeling up and good, followed by the days of feeling down and yucky.   Then it fails and it's over and I find myself right back in the line to buy another ride. 

The real kicker is Merry Go Rounds make me sick....Good ole motion sickness lol.  

Anyway, started another round today.  Most likely will ovulate on the wrong side, but I'm hopping on the horse, just incase.   Round and round we go......

Struggling

I started to write a post on all the things I'm thankful for (and there are so many), but my heart is just not in it tonight.   I'm struggling. 

I am done with progesterone in 2 days and then CD1 will be here, again.   Realistically the next cycle on my left will be around my 33rd birthday, one year older for me and my eggs.  

When do we throw in the towel?  When do we say enough is enough?  When does this feeling of constant anxiety stop? 

At lunch today, I learned about an old classmate who just became a "dad" for the 4th time.... he doesn't provide for the first three and the fourth was born addicted to heroin.  Oh my heart and my brain just can't make sense out of that one. 

How do I drag myself out of this funk? How do I focus on the things I'm thankful for again?  How do I decide what to do next?  How do I make this hurt and anxiety go away? 

Tell Me Lies, Tell Me Unsweet Little Lies

Dear Glamour Magazine,

I normally love your Glamour Lists, but this time you missed the mark.   Please don't assume that we all can grow a human and choose the whether and when.   Please don't downplay the hell that is infertility.   Please don't make me feel like any more of a failure than I already do.  

Sincerely,
Mrs I Can't Grow A Human

Great Blog Post

www.blitheblog.com/i-could-have-a-baby-but-she-could-not/

Progesterone Party Remix

News flash:  I hate this drug!

1. HOLY HEADACHES
2. Numbness in face and feet
3. They jump from your hands and land in the toilet like little ninjas.
4. Have I mentioned the headaches?
5. They're just a pain.

And I made the mistake of calling my doc and apparently some of these things aren't normal so I'm now in the ER waiting to be seen.  Blood clots, stroke, neurological issues and something else are on the table.   And when asked if I was pregnant, I told her, "I don't know yet" to which she snapped, "We'll assume no." Thank you sunshine..... your reassurance and concern are so appreciated. 

Progesterone Party

One day, I will learn to stop reading everything online about the new med or procedure that I've been subjected to.

After reading blogs, Instagram, etc. I was prepared to be hot, exhausted, hurling and moody.  I pictured myself as the sweating Hulk!

Instead, I'm freezing to death!  I've never been this cold in my entire life.   I am exhausted and feel like I've got coldish/flu symptoms.  Aside from a particularly annoying meeting on Friday, I don't think I've lashed out at anyone.  And scents are kinda bothersome (husband cooking corn chowder Ew Ew.)

I'm only 3 days in so we'll see if any of this changes.....

Let Me Tell You About My New Best Friend

I've got curly, thick, unruly hair.   Some of my most traumatic childhood memories are tied to my mother brushing my hair and me screaming.  I'd beg her to "let Daddy do it" because for some reason, he didn't try to rip me bald like she did.  (Seriously y'all she was wicked with a hairbrush - Sweet Mama turned ugly when the hairbrush was involved.)  I think her plan was to do the most brushing possible in the 10 seconds she could hold me down.   She also had a major paranoia that we would get lice at school so maybe she was just trying to kill any random bugs (PS we never got them.)

Maybe I should stop writing and schedule therapy to deal with the whole meltdown above.   ANYWAY!

My bestest friend.   I bought her (she's yellow) at Target and I'm in love.  It's a miracle brush.  No yanking. No ripping.  No breaking.   GO BUY YOURSELF ONE OF THESE!   You and your kids will thank me later.  My sister even bought one for her dog's tail.

Happy brushing and you're welcome.

I Jumped on "The Bachelor" Bus

Call it too much free time.  Call it looking for distractions from the TWW.  Call it whatever, but I crossed over and gave "The Bachelor" a whirl.  And.... I'm hooked. 

Farmer Chris is a cutie and these women are slightly crazy.  Sounds like the perfect way to kill some time. 

My thoughts on the cast:

-I like Whitney,  the fertility nurse, but I might just be biased towards those who help infertile women.  She does seem sweet though and she offered to help inseminate his animals so she gets my vote.

-Britt is the prettiest and definitely deserved her rose.  Kelsey is pretty and stands out too.

-Tracy, the 4th grade teacher, also gets my vote for threatening to be the crazy cat lady if she doesn't find love.

-The Crazy Awards go to Ashley S, Tara and Kaitlyn.  I was super annoyed that he kept them all.  Boy must like train wrecks.

-What in the world was Brittany wearing?  Lingerie never doubles as a dress - Ew.

-Girls dropping the F bomb isn't cute.

So there are my thoughts.  I'm kinda excited for the next episode.....I'm so ashamed lol.

Worry

I'm a worrier.  The Bible is full of verses telling us not to worry.  The internet is full of quotes giving us advice on not worrying.  Yet, I worry. 

I truly believe in my heart that everything is in God's hands, but I just can't turn off the worrying.  Huge hypocrite, maybe, but I'm working on it.

What if this is another failed cycle?   What if the new meds make me sick/mean/crazy?   What if I'm pregnant and it ends in another miscarriage?  What if I make it past miscarriage and my Unicornuate Uterus leads to premature labor/still birth? 

The innocence is gone.  I know too much.  I'm worried.   But, buried deep, I know that the answer to all the "What ifs" is we'll make it through.  We'll be devastated and cry.  A. LOT.  I'm worried about feeling that sad again.  I'm worried because I know there is a lower low than we've already been. 

I've got to find some optimism.  I've got to cling to my faith and have hope.  It's so hard. 

Scan and Score

Had my scan this morning and got good news!   All the action is on my left side, my follicle measured at 17.6 on CD10 and my endometrium is 6.9.   Now we wait for a positive OPK and start Progesterone three days after ovulation.

Oh 2015, please be good to us!  

Out With The Old, In With The New

Well 2014, you’ve been a good year and you’ve been a hard year. In no particular order:

1. Celebrated 9 years at Mylan.
2. Riggle family vacation to Emerald Isle
3. MOHs and men vacation to Myrtle Beach
4.  Got diagnosed with Ankylosing Spondylitis (AS).
5.  Had my first IUI - BFN
6. Identified my Unicornuate Uterus and changed fertility treatment route.
7. Had my first BFP and celebrated being pregnant.
8. Missed miscarriage at 7/8 weeks. D&C
9. Traveled to Canada; Erie, PA and Philadelphia, PA for business trips
10. Paid off our student loans wooohoooo
11.  Celebrated our first wedding anniversary.
12. Celebrated Perry's golden birthday (8 on the 8th)
13. Landscaped our yard and our marriage survived it lol
14. Met two awesome ladies through infertility support groups. They both have become great friends and support.
15. The hubby got a new job that he'll start in 2015.
16. Healed and survived everything above

2015 - Resolutions

Get healthy - failed miserably in 2014 so let's try it again.

Get pregnant - get with it lady parts.

Get my car paid off and the PMI off our mortgage - the sooner these are done, the sooner I can beef up the 401K.

We will leave it at 3!   They're biggies!

Happy New Year, Blog Friends!