Day 3: BEFORE. Who were you before your children died? How have you changed? Do you miss anything about that person? What did you love about that person? Did you dislike anything? Do you see your life as before and after or do you believe that you have always been changing?
I was broken in hundreds of pieces from the loss of my Mom, but losing our baby broke those pieces even more. I wanted my Mom to be there to comfort me so the pain was just multiplied.
I used to believe in happily ever after. I used to believe that my life would turn out like my childhood dreams. I used to think that losing Mom was the only crappy hand I'd be dealt in life. Silly girl.
I searched through old pictures and this is the perfect representation of "Before." This was before infertility and Clomid and Femara and Lupus Anticoagulant and Unicornuate Uterus and miscarriage. This is when babies and baby showers and pregnancy announcements were about joy and happiness, instead of those emotions plus a mix of pain and jealousy. I hate that this version of me may have hurt someone struggling with infertility/baby loss, because she didn't know how insensitive it was to say/ask certain things.
The girl below doesn't have tears or worry or pain related to starting a family. She still doesn't know that she'll only be able to hold her baby in her heart. I miss the innocence, hope and joy that miscarriages steal.
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