Balancing Act

I’ve never been good at balancing things.  I’m clumsy so balancing a book on my head is a challenge.  I like carbs way too much so balancing a diet is next to impossible and now this.  Now I am trying to balance optimism vs. guarding my heart.

Optimistic Holly wants to think that eggs and swimmers met and did the happy little fertilization dance and that we will have a positive pregnancy test in two (agonizingly long) weeks.  Cautious Holly won’t think about it.  

I’ve noticed that since Friday, my husband has laid his hand on my stomach more than usual.  I don’t know if it’s a conscious or unconscious thing, but it makes my heart skip beats and then the worry kicks in.  I worry a lot about the effect this will have on Keith.  He’s so optimistic and so excited.  He makes little comments that make me realize that he whole heartedly thinks this worked.  I don’t want to see the sadness in his eyes if it didn’t.  

And then there’s the part I don’t even want to admit to.  I made a formal list of baby names and made Keith weed through them.  I don’t believe in luck or curses, but something about it seemed so scary, like I was cursing this IUI.

I won’t let myself look at baby stuff online.  I steer clear of the cute baby clothes at Target.  I get sick to my stomach when I think about having to walk by this stuff if this fails.  The other side of me wants to order 101 outfits for Baby Batman/Baby Batgirl as he/she has been named.

I’m scared.  I’m hopeful.  I’m terrified.  I’m anxious.  I’m excited.  I’m optimistic.  I’m guarded.  I’m waiting…