Today marks the end of our journey. I had my final RE appointment and we're now out of options unless we decide to pursue IVF.
We sat with hippie Santa Claus and went through our entire case file and basically with my age, labs and conditions, we're just not going to conceive "the old fashioned way." I know God isn't phased by any of these numbers, and I'll keep praying for a miracle, but I also know that prayers are often answered with a "no."
I'm slowly processing how I feel about it all. Devastated is the easiest to identify. Anger and jealousy. Overwhelmed. Unsure and confused. There's even an ounce of relief that the meds, tests and appointments are over.
Keith is all about trying IVF. He's the dreamer and free spirit in our marriage. He doesn't worry about the $15-20k price tag. He says I'll regret it if we don't try it. I'm convinced it will leave us in debt with empty arms either due to failure or another loss.
I really just want to make a public service announcement that we're never having children so everyone knows and the questions and comments will stop. That just seems so permanent though.
So realistically, it's not the end. It's another crossroads and more emotions, but today, in my mind it's the end. Maybe tomorrow will feel different. Sigh.
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