A Kick in the Gut

Disclaimer: Some info might be TMI for some, feel free to hold out for a happier, non-chick part convo in future posts….

We close on our new house today.  I am so excited I could squeal, but there’s a piece of me that just wants to crawl into a corner and cry.

In my early teens, I was diagnosed with cysts on my ovaries.  After a laparoscopic surgery and some tests, they told me that I developed cysts on my ovaries.  I was put on birth control pills and told they would probably even out with age. 

That brings us to May of this year.  After our honeymoon, I went off my birth control and we decided to see what happened.  I consulted with my gyno and did a baseline ultrasound and was told to “have fun.”  That was 4 months ago.

Along the way, I’ve noticed some changes: the pain of cysts again, weight gain, horrible acne on my face and just an overall feeling of feeling blah.  I've charted and tested and tracked religiously, but things just seemed off-kilter.  I finally went to see the gyno again and another ultrasound and blood work was scheduled.  Now going in, I had already diagnosed myself….I knew the news was coming, I just wanted to live in denial a bit longer.

Yesterday, I got the call.   The first convo went something like, “You have a hormonal imbalance, and we are going to give you a prescription”.  Whew!!  Sweet relief.  The second convo didn’t go so well, “We’ve reviewed all of your tests and you have PCOS.”  There it is….the four letters I was scared to death of.  I’ve read the blogs, I’ve read the websites…..PCOS = a long journey to have kids.

Now here are my spoiled brat comments that are appalling to even me.  I’m stuck wondering why me?  I lost my Mom at a very early age and now I’m not allowed to easily be a Mom?!?!  Why God?  I want babies that I can tell all about their Grandma and how much she would have adored them.  I’m just defeated. 

I feel broken.  I feel like I should give my husband “an out” so he can find someone that can give him the family we so desperately want.  Yes, I get the fact that I am being dramatic….we are talking 4 months of trying here, and some people go 14 years, but right now in my own selfish world, I’m sad. 

 I don’t want to spend money on the drugs the insurance company won’t cover.  I don’t want to think about injections and miscarriages and IVF and adoption and all of that stuff.  I want to have a baby, why is that so hard? 

I’ve read stories of so many women who have struggled to be moms….I’m a big softy so I’ve cried over their heart breaking stories; I’ve cried when their last round of IVF worked; I’ve wanted to hug some of them and apologize for all the hurt they feel.  Most of these women, I’ve never met, but now I’ve joined their club.  I’ve told people that have lost a parent, “Welcome to the club that you would never wish for your worst enemy to join.  Welcome to the club that you truly can’t understand until you are in it.”  Now I’ve joined another club….and I don’t like it. 

I don’t really know the point of this post….other than, I needed to dump out my heart.  I’m scared and sad and I want a baby.  There are only a few people that know that we’ve been trying so it is hard to put on the fake smile and pretend life is grand, but that’s what we’ll do until we see how the next few months go. 

Please say a prayer for us….For this child I prayed; and the LORD hath given me my petition which I asked of him.  1 Samuel 1:27