It's Changed Who You Are

A few nights ago I had one of the ugliest cries I've had in a long time.  A whole rush of emotions hit at once and it wasn't pretty.  The worst part of the night was hearing these words out of Keith's mouth, "It's changed who you are."

It's the nagging realization that sits in the back of your head, but to hear it out loud cuts deep.  He doesn't realize the sting behind his words.  Honestly he doesn't understand a quarter of what I'm feeling.  He tries, but it's just not possible.

The last few months have been hard.  There were so many highs: getting insurance for IVF, having a friend offer us a HUGE gift, having financial pieces fall into place.  But those moments were quickly followed by a huge low: our consultation where the true risks of my egg retrieval were revealed.

IVF was always where I kept my hope.  All hope wasn't lost as long as we had that card to play.  But now we don't.  And yes, there are still other cards we could play: egg adoption, embryo adoption, child adoption, but my heart isn't there.  Somehow that makes me feel like I'm giving up and selfishly guarding my heart.  In all honesty, I can't handle much more.

The hard truth is it has changed me.  I hate leaving the house.  If I could, I would stay home constantly.  There aren't baby clothes and pregnant women at home.  There aren't acquaintances that ask about starting a family when I'm home.  I get anxious about totally simple things.  I've distanced myself from the people I love.  I'd rather sleep or watch Netflix than do anything else. 

Keith recently commented that he's bored with our routine.  My response was, "This is it.  We won't have kid functions and all those normal things families do.  So this is it." 

I went to a funeral this week of a dear friend.  Her obituary talked about her huge family.  The woman had 22 great grandchildren.  Mine will be short....there won't be a long list of children, grandchildren or great grandchildren.  There was a huge realization that I'll never fit in with my peers, not now are they're becoming parents or later as their kids give them grandchildren. 

So yes this journey has changed me.  It's robbed me of my hopes and dreams.  It's brought out emotions that scare me.  It's broken my heart to begin to accept I'll only hold my babies in heaven.  I know with time it will get better.....I'm just not there yet.