What’s in a Name? - A Look Back

Naming a child is no easy task.  Mix in a wife who likes the unique and a husband who likes the plain, old-school and it is a recipe for disaster.  Oh, we had books and websites, and suggestions aplenty, yet nothing stuck. 

 

Let me back up 5 years.   We had a few names we could agree on…..some of those names died with our babies.   Other names, were used by friends and family.   Other names grew in popularity.  And other names were met with such a “what the heck are you thinking face” from our significant other, that we knew to drop them. 

When this baby started growing, we avoided picking names because we have learned to guard our hearts.  But then days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months and suddenly, calling the baby Cuatro and Vamperina, seemed a little impersonal.  So, we set out on a mission.   We settled on our boy name so quickly….Anderson James Riggle.   We never wavered from that one.  Andy had a name.  But then we had to name a girl.  Mission impossible. 

We had our reveal party.   I knew it was a girl.   Not an ounce of me doubted that….but one tiny part thought, “Well, if it is a boy, at least he has a name!”  So, we had our reveal, and of course she is a girl, and I exclaimed, “She doesn’t have a name!”   We gave ourselves a deadline.  

We have been going back and forth all week.  Friends and family helping.  Arguing.  And Keith trying to convince me to go back to an old favorite.  Charlotte.   We would call her Charley.   Yet, I just couldn’t do it.   I tried calling her that at our ultrasound and it felt wrong.  I felt like I was talking to a friend’s baby who has the same name.  I felt disconnected in a way.  

With the clock ticking, I start searching Etsy, because the people of Etsy are creative ones.   And I see a name on a sign and underneath it says “My God Has Answered.”   I thought how pretty.   I would love to have that sign with our child’s name.  Then I notice the sign says Name Meaning Signs so off to Google I got to find the meaning of the name.   The name meant, “My God Has Answered.”   Cue the goosebumps.   I call my best friend and my sister, because I know I am going to need them on my team to battle the husband.   They are crying.  I message him to avoid hearing the sarcastic responses….and he likes it.   Almost the floor.

After a long 14 weeks, our daughter has a name……Eliana JoAnn Riggle. 

Eliana – Hebrew – My God Has Answered

JoAnn – Hebrew – God is Gracious

Cuatro - A Look Back

I had a hunch I was pregnant.  Wasn't late, just a feeling.  Decided to dig out expired old cheap tests.  Forgot about it and walked back in to toss it and saw the faintest color.  I'll let you in on a little secret....infertiles can see lines before 99.9% of the population can see lines.  It's our super power. 

Marched downstairs and thrust it in the husband's face, "Do you see anything?" and looked at him annoyingly.  Those are the magical pregnancy announcements I dreamed of.  1st baby got a gift and a card.  2nd baby got a Starbucks cup that said Daddy.  3rd baby got something cutesie.  This baby.... pee stick and cranky wife in the face.  Magical.

I continued to pee on random (expired) tests all weekend.  Monday morning I was at the clinic begging to be stabbed.  309.7.  Repeat on Wednesday 909.3.  Progesterone suppositories and ultrasound scheduled for 7 weeks.  And I'm left to freak out. 

Told my usual partners in crime.... again, nothing cute and fun.  No videoing... and strict instructions not to be excited.  I told my Dad on the phone.  Yeah, there's one for the baby books.

What's different this time?  I started the aspirin and progesterone earlier.  I'm trying to exercise more and stay hydrated.  And I'm nauseated.  Like green and gaggy.  I'm convinced it's a great sign, but wow it's fun. 

I feel robbed of the fun and excitement.  I'm still so incredibly guarded and realize this probably won't end well.  I'm still hoping and praying Cuatro will be in our arms soon. 

Ellie

My abandoned blog…..I had stopped writing for so long, as it had become a source of stress instead of a place of comfort.   So much has happened during that time. 

We found I was pregnant with our 4^th baby….we guarded our hearts hard, but we kept hitting milestones.  We found out she was a girl.  We named her Eliana JoAnn Riggle “Ellie”.  We celebrated her with family and friends.  We bought her clothes and bows and nursery décor and toys.  We broke my rule….we got excited. 

1 day short of 18 weeks, we found out Ellie had died.  Even as I sit here and type those words, they take my breath away.  This time was different.  This time I had to deliver our baby….I got to hold our baby.  We had to bury our baby.  Losing our first 3 children was hard, and I miss them all, but this one, it broke me.   It devastated us and others who loved her. 

I spend my days trying to avoid my thoughts and trying to fight back tears.  I struggle to find simple words, I feel almost zombie like, and physically, I am just not bouncing back.  My blood tests aren’t great and I had to have heart tests….my thoughts, my heart is literally broken.

Our loved ones have been beyond amazing….I think sometimes bad things happen so you can be reminded of the good stuff.  I have searched for answers and beat myself up over every single thing I could have done differently.  People say it isn’t my fault…..no one else’s body killed her though.  I have that to live with. 

More than anything, I want my baby back.  She should still be alive and safe….I relive those moments in the ultrasound room on constant repeat….I’m still pleading the same thing to God, yet He doesn’t hear. 

We have officially closed the door on being parents.  There will be no miracle for us. 

Third Time Is The Charm

Written before our loss:

July 17, 2017
Well it's time for my annual Summer pregnancy.  

2014: Doodle
2015: Nugget
2016: Took a break to have hernia surgery and get my stomach acid issues under control
2017: Round 3

So, after vacation, we found a house to buy.  We've been searching for 4 years and this one just landed in our laps (I'll blog about that later).  So we're dealing with the craziness and stress of having 2 mortgages and getting everything done when a friend joked that this would be the time I'd get pregnant.  I brushed them off because of spotting I'd had that morning and went back to creating my to-do lists.   

A few days later, no period...I take the cheap tests and BFNs....I blame stress and keep on trucking.  One night my loving husband tells me I'm being a psycho crazy woman (this also occurs with aforementioned annual pregnancies) and I thought maybe I should take a real test.  The next morning I drag the expired thing out of the back of the cabinet and suddenly the faintest line ever appears.   I make him analyze it with me, because well let's face it, the cute announcement boat has sailed after 2 losses.  Not meaning that this baby deserves any less, just that I'm more guarded and less hopeful... I'm damaged.  

So the new doctor we're seeing, who insisted on this 6 months of natural attempts, isn't a fertility specialist.  He's a high risk doctor in a family medicine clinic so getting to talk to someone is hard.  They finally get my orders in for blood-work before lunch.   After lunch, my beta was 26 (the lowest on the preggo chart) and my progesterone is way low.  So I'm started on capsules and we repeat on Thursday. 

Obviously the clock has stopped moving but thankfully, moving and mortgage stuff has me crazy occupied.

I sit and stare at the tests and analyze them.  I want one to light up like I'm pregnant with quints ha. 

Numbers and Dates

Started writing before our loss:

7/20/17

Up bright and early Thursday morning to be the first stabbing at the lab.  Rush home to await results..... drumroll please,  62.  And progesterone has gone up (thanks to meds). 

Wait for hours for the doc to call and crickets.  I finally call them and talk to the nurse.  Met with the same cautious and worried tone as last time.  I ask about baby aspirin and they agree it's a good idea (good cause I started it days ago).  They also want to monitor my thyroid. 

Repeat bloodwork on Monday.  Monday is a big big day. Takes my breath away. 

We're still avoiding the subject.  In the past I would have bought something by now or dug out name books.  Not this time.  I've learned the pain that causes.... I'm teary eyed just thinking of that pain.  Dear God, I beg you to let this time be different. 

7/24/17

185

So very hopeful!!!

7/28/17

ER - ectopic pregnancy.  1 day shy of 6 weeks.

7/31/2017

Methotrexate injections

And We're Here Again

Another loss.  Another heartbreak.  Another baby we'll only hold in heaven. 

Almost a month later and I'm still dealing with this ectopic pregnancy.  Methotrexate, hospitals and that empty, sad feeling. 

I feel like I need to write everything down, yet I don't feel like opening the wounds more.  I'll publish the pieces I started writing during happier times, because this baby deserves to be remembered. 

It just hurts. A lot. 

Lately

I feel like I'm slowly getting back to the point where I want to blog.  For a long time, I felt like I honestly couldn't blog because I refused to admit the things I felt and thought.  I don't plan to rehash them, but know they weren't my proudest moments. 

Right now, we're in limbo.   We took some major time off so I could focus on getting healthier and improving my body to hopefully grow a little body.  I'm happily no longer obese (just overweight haha) and feel like a new woman.  

We're gearing up to explore our options again.   We're getting a second opinion in February  (hopefully sooner if there's a cancellation).  I'll start tracking again soon too. 

Two of my fellow infertiles are pregnant right now, and I'm determined to be number three!  I'm honestly so excited for them...they've fought hard for their miracles!   I'm trying to stay realistic, but it's so hard.  35 is moving in fast....the dreaded age *sigh*

In the meantime, I'm loving life as an aunt and I've resisted the urge to kidnap him.   I think I deserve a cookie  (or baby) for that!

We'll see what the future holds...