Dear OBGYN

Dear OBGYN,

I understand what your business is all about.  I get it.  But is it too much to ask that you soundproof the walls? 

I got greeted by the family of 6 soon to be 7 in your waiting room.  I faked a smile.  4 more pregos walked through.  Eager for ultrasounds, scheduling again in 2 weeks, eager to hear all about their babies.  I kept my head down.  But to walk to the bathroom and hear the sound of someone else's baby's heartbeat is just more than this girl can handle.

My first child once had a heart beat.  My second child may or may not have had one.  I'm so glad they're not suffering through what we did, but please don't expose me to something I want so badly.

You need to be set up like restaurants back in the day.  Instead of smoking and nonsmoking can you do fertile and infertile?  I don't wanna kill my lungs or break my heart....nonsmoking infertile section please! 

Sincerely,
Jealous of the Fertiles

And Then?

A month has passed since I wrote the post about being Stuck.  Guess what?  Nothing has changed. 

Every day I wake up and there's a big fat pink elephant in the room and nobody wants to talk about it.   Sometimes I force the conversations that lead us no where. Some days I request information on adopting/fostering and I leave the package tucked out of sight.  Occasionally, I check savings accounts and do the math around IVF.  I'll even admit some days that I secretly hope that since we've "quit trying" that maybe it will magically happen. 

My gynecologist mentioned she'd keep us in mind if she stumbled across a mother who needed a family for her child.  That gave me hope for a day or two.  Then reality set in.

I. DON'T.  KNOW.  WHAT.  TO.  DO.

I need to rip off the bandaid.  We need to make some decisions.  Can someone, anyone tell us what to do?!?  Do we flip a coin?  There aren't just two options so that won't solve anything.  Maybe rock paper scissors will work?!?  

What A Day

It's been a Friday for the books.  I surely didn't see this one coming.  I don't expect anyone to read this, but I'm writing it anyway.

6:30: So rudely woken up by the husband.
8:15: Black load of laundry meets tissue in pocket
8:45: Head to Panera for mango iced tea um I mean breakfast. 
10: Hubby informs me he needs emergency root canal. Rush to the dentist and make myself cozy in waiting room.
12: Finally leave the dentist office. 
12:15: Sit down with stoned husband, order food and he realizes he has a 1pm meeting.   Food is boxed up and we leave.
1: Target, Sams Club - great deal on a brisket and Keith's beloved breakfast sandwiches.  
3: Home to put away groceries
3:30: Pedicure with sister (pretty pale pink)
5: Mall with sister to find wedding attire.  Discover missing diamond in engagement ring so drop it off for warranty work.
6:30: Call husband for dinner order.  Doesn't want anything.  I drive near our house to get my chicken salad ole and call him to tell him I'm homeward bound and guess who wants food? From the restaurant beside the mall I just left. 
7:30: Finally swallow my (cold) dinner whole.
8:15:  Discover not one but two piles of dried cat poop under our spare bed. (Just keeping it real folks)
8:30: Climb in bathtub to soak and pray that tomorrow will be calmer lol.

Days off work are exhausting!

Crabbier Than Crabby

Yesterday I hated the world.  I was so cranky I couldn't handle myself!  I was in desperate need of some grace and junk food!   When my husband didn't want to split a banana split with me, I lost it.  Poor man thinks I'm mental.

Anyway, I decided to get my hair done thanks to a salon coupon and I put myself to bed early and today I'm back to normalish.  Not surprisingly, CD1 came to visit so I see the Doc Thursday. 

In other weekend news, I made this recipe.  Perry and I loved it, Keith not so much.  I also got in some Hobby Lobby, Kohls, Trader Joes and consignment store shopping. 

Happy Monday (Wow that post was a jumbled mess)

To Eat or Not To Eat

Friday marked officially losing 10lbs (on my own scale) so I updated my FitnessPal app and the meanie took away calories from my goal.  I pretty much hate it right now. 

Those extra calories have always covered my night time snack of popcorn or pretzels and losing that makes me cranky. 

I've spent today sulking and using my "I need fed voice" as Keith so lovingly pointed out.  I've contemplated jumping headfirst off the wagon, but so far I've stayed on. 

I'm just not feeling satisfied today.  For breakfast, I had coffee, strawberries,  yogurt and chia seeds.  I wanted a scone from our favorite bakery (589 calories....that almost made me cry).  For lunch, I wanted a Pittsburgh Turkey Sandwich (869 calories without the ranch dressing I wanted to drown it in.) Instead I had grilled chicken, salad and soup.   For dinner, I wanted pizza.  Oh sweet pizza, but instead I had a turkey wrap and pretzels. 

I've not had a day this frustrating since I started eating healthy.  I'm not sure if the fries yesterday started this struggle, if it's a weekend thing, if it's a hormonal thing or what the heck caused it, but I'm hungry and angry and I shamefully might have shed a tear earlier out of frustration. 

I'm completely full right now but I'd kill for ice cream. Or a brownie.  Or that 589 calorie scone.  Please someone save me from myself lol.

Hit Me With Your Best Shot

I feel like yelling "Man down.  Man down. What's been hit?" and dramatically falling to the ground.   The pregnancy announcements y'all... they're flying at me from every angle.   I feel like everyone I know had one big baby making convention and I missed the memo.  

Sheesh.

There is usually a break between the announcements.  This month they're constant.

Let's review their social media methods, shall we?

We Prayed, God Answered:  Um, can you pray for me too please, because I pray and obviously get a very different answer.

The Upcoming Movie Poster:  Yeah, I could make a movie too, featuring an ultrasound-wand fight scene and crazy girl meltdowns.

Only Child Expiring: What a coincidence, apparently my eggs are expiring too!

Santa Baby Shirt: Note to Self-You need to beg Santa too apparently.  Pray to God and Bribe Santa - check!

These are just a few that came to mind, not even mentioning the 16 YES 16 friends who are farther along. 

So after what seems like a bitter rant, let me just say I'm happy for these ladies.  Some of them have waited a long time for their miracles, but sheesh, let's go a day or two without a kill shot, shall we? 

Oh and please say a prayer for a friend of mine who is hoping and praying for a Christmas miracle of her own.  Santa, bring her a BFP for Christmas, please (I'm willing to barter with cookies.)   :)

Merry Christmas Everyone!  

Every Storm Runs Out of Rain

Thank you, Gary Allan, for the blog title  ;)

I checked my voicemail yesterday and  my doctor left me a voicemail on Friday (I despise voicemail, so I ignore them.)  I didn't have a missed call, so apparently my phone decided I didn't need the news until after the weekend.

Anyway, my blood results are confusing.  That's the gist of the message.   My estradiol is 113, but my FSH and another hormone (he mumbles) are normal.   Either the cyst on my good ovary is causing mischief or I've got a decreased ovarian reserve.  

So then me and Google decided to do our own medical analysis and my results can also signify ovarian cancer or early menopause.  

So, I called the office and talked to the nurse and basically we're back to waiting for Day 1 again.   Then we scan and take blood again.  And until then, I wait and worry and ignore this pain in my side.

And I also get angrier that this bloodwork hasn't been done before.  I feel like we take one step forward and three steps back.   Why can't they just run every test in the book on me?  Poke, prod, scan and test everything and tell me once and for all what we're working with.  

So here I am again reminding myself that eventually this storm will pass.  It might not end with sunshine and rainbows, but it will pass.  (random thought: Why do I associate my infertility with weather so often?.... I'll add that to the list of things to have psycho analyzed lol.)

Sigh.

Red Light

Apparently good blood results weren't all we needed for a green light. *sigh*

I went to see the Doc this morning and his first comment was, "So you decided to take a break?"  UM NO!   You told us we had to take a break until my blood results came back.  I still don't know where the miscommunication happened. 

He asked about my cycles during our "break" and he responded that they're too short.  Um they've been like this since I started seeing him.  (I have an Excel spreadsheet, duh!) So then we went into the room with the probe and he mumbled something about my endometrium reports from when I was 13 (um 19 years ago by the same doc who just accidentally didn't notice my UU while she was in there) and then BAM Oh you've got a big cyst on your left ovary.  Yes my good ovary.   (He proceeded to poke it a few times just for good measure.)

I finally got my clothes back and to the conference room we went.   More blood work, no treatments this month, more waiting.  

So I got poked twice.  Cried in the car.   Stopped for breakfast and cried over my chicken while my poor husband looked at me like he's afraid I'm going to totally melt down.   Poor guy. 

So now we wait for blood results from Boston.  Guess Santa isn't bringing us a baby for Christmas.  

This is what chicken therapy looks like lol

Macaroni Drama

I'm stressed.  Work is stressful.  Holidays are stressful.  Snow stresses my husband which I find stressful.  And don't even get me started on the stress associated with your husband having an ex wife/baby mama.  So right now waiting for blood work results and thinking about trying again is more than I signed up for.

So after a particularly crappy day in the office, I come home to find that my husband can't find the icing for a cake be baked that we needed to take to a dinner.  I dig through the entire pantry, realize my sister might have gotten it mixed in with her groceries, confirm this and reload the pantry and the last box is a jumbo container of elbow macaroni and it went everywhere.  

So I cry.  I go upstairs and dig out my fat pants and I cry.  I suck it up, go to dinner, wear the first bite of food, and ice the cake.   So I cut myself a therapy slice, take a bite and almost gag.  I have no idea whatsoever what my husband did or didn't do, but the cake tasted like nastiness. 

So now the cake is in the trash.  The elbow macaroni is in the vacuum.  My shirt is soaking.  And I'm contemplating a quick stay in the nut house.   Maybe this is what they mean when they say, "She's lost her noodle."

Tomorrow will be better!

Mind Dump

-Rain rain go away! 

-What happens to the first Duggar child who is infertile? Do they get excommunicated from the family?

-Why isn't it socially acceptable for me to grow a Winter fur like my cats do?

-My husband told me I look like Captain America when I wear knee boots.  Now I have to decide if I wear them and go all super hero and kick his butt for the insult OR if I retire my beloved boots?

-I want to bake some Fall goodies, but I don't need to eat sweets.  The struggle is real folks. (Update: The picture below clearly reveals I lost the battle.)

-I am worried that WHEN I have a daughter, she'll be one of those stubborn little stinkers that refuses to wear hair things/head bands.  Lol yes this is the last worry I should have, but it's my mind dump and I can say it if I want to lol

-I can't get enough smelly stuff in my house!   Every wallflower, Scentsy warmer and candle is pumping out the Fall scents. 

-Biggest Loser is making me regret my cheesefries at dinner. 

-I'm procrastinating on getting my flu shot.  I get a low grade fever and feel crappy afterwards so I put it off as long as possible.  Ouchie needles.

-My water bill is going to be through the roof this month because of my new bath soak.  It smells so good!

-I've put a major dent in Christmas shopping.   If I can't focus on breeding this month, I'm going to stress shop lol. 

-My kiddo's football team is undefeated and their first playoff game is Sunday.  GO LEOPARDS!

Crazy 8

Eight days of madness and I'm holding on tight!  Please keep in mind I'm on hormones through this all.....

Friday: Court date to resolve outstanding ex wife issues.  We won and I think our lawyer is worth every penny.  Hearing him tell Keith,  "Man,  did you trade up!  There's just no comparison" was good for my (shallow) ego.

Saturday: Yard work,  play date and errands.

Sunday: Laundry, pool time and ran Perry home.

Monday: Thumb therapy and Girl's night

Tuesday: Dermatology followup (clear!) and knee surgeon appointment (knee is shot but won't replace until I'm older.... fantastic)

Wednesday: Thumb therapy and got bad news about a friend battling colon cancer :(

Thursday: Ultrasound to see if lefty woke up.  And I'm taking a vacation day to spend time with my husband.

Friday: IUI and picnics

I can do this.....And the sweet surprise from hubby helped remind me of that!

The Walls Are Closing In

I'm completely out of sorts lately.  I'm agitated,  anxious, emotional, paranoid and panicky.   I'm weepy and feel like there's a huge weight on my chest.  Best part,  I'm adding hormones into that mix starting today.  

I have no idea what's going on.  I think so many things are just building up and adding up.   Every where I turn something else throws me off.....today a pregnant cat a few counties away chewed her paw off to escape from a live trap.   I'm ready to send our life savings for her care and to pack her and the whole litter home.   I might need to unfriend the Pet Rescue pages for a while.

I'm lost.   I don't know what to do about the potential upcoming IUI.   I don't know if I should quit my AS drugs if we're not even sure if it's a go.   I'm panicking.  

I just feel distant from everyone.  I hate that feeling.   It's lonely and depressing. 

So the moral of this whine fest is,  I'm down and out this week.   The weekend will be better.... Next week will be better.  I'll allow myself a little more Scandal on DVD therapy and then I'm dragging myself out of this funk. 

Some Days Life Just Ain't Fair

My thoughts for today:

1. Why can Honey Boo Boo's mother have children and I can't?

2.  On top of that fun,  today I got diagnosed with an auto immune disease.  I can't even say the stupid name let alone wrap my head around it....It's not life threatening (Thank you, God) but it's still a little unsettling.

3.  Some days life just ain't fair (And I can say "ain't" because I'm battling infertility and have Ankylosing Spondylitis (AS) so hhmph.)

Where The Heck Is My Stork?!?!

It’s been a frustrating few weeks.  We’re in the phase of doing nothing and pouting about it (well at least I am).  After the last cycle, we called the doc on Monday, but apparently you have to call on Day 1 (aka the weekend) which threw off that month….even though that doesn’t make much sense to me, but whatever. 

So this month, we were left to do things the old fashion way.  Well enter a round of strep/bronchitis followed up by the worst cold I ever remember having, and my husband has pretty much stayed as far away from me as humanly possible.  So unless there is some miracle or alien invasion, there will be no babies created in February. 

In the meantime, there have been multiple baby showers and pregnancy announcements.  I also got to hear someone complain about not being able to find Plan B at their local pharmacy, and basically, I have just been pouting. 

Yes, this post is very grownup and mature, but hey, I’m still sick and whiny so you get what you get.  Next week will be more cheery, and if you get a chance, please say a little prayer that March will be our month.   I’d really like that for a birthday present!! 

Snow Snow Go Away

Today I had to leave this....

To go out in this....

I'm ready for Spring. 

You Always Want What You Don't Have

Today someone peed in my Wheaties…shocking, I know.  I got my feathers all ruffled and growled at Facebook and just wanted to smack someone.  As the day has gone on, I keep dwelling on it and really don’t know what to feel. 

Let’s back up.

Facebook post from an acquaintance: “Why do people think it’s okay to say things like ‘you look like you’re going to pop to a pregnant woman?’”  Simple enough statement, right?  Well then why does it evoke such anger in me?!?  Quite simply: Jealousy.

Let’s back up again.  I don’t doubt that pregnancy is hard, scary, miserable, overwhelming, emotional, etc.  I don’t doubt that growing a human is hard hard work.  I’m not naive.  I do, however, think you have to be ready for some of those basic “things people say” and roll with the punches. 

Back to topic:  Sweetheart, I would love for someone to say something like that to me.  I’d love to have carried a baby to term and my body be showing it.  I’d love to know that the little baby I have prayed for was so close to be being born.  My cousin who just had a miscarriage surely would say the same thing. 

Which brings me to my thoughts after I calmed down; we all want what we don’t have.  The pregnant girl wants to feel thin again, the girl who wants to be a mother wants a belly.  It’s easy to get mad when you read others complain about something you want so badly. 

Please don’t think I am playing innocent here.  I am as guilty as the next person.  I complain about my husband; I complain about my job; I complain about a lot of stuff.  Some single girls would love to find a man as good as the one I married; some unemployed people would love to have my job.  It’s something I need to work on myself. 

In the meantime, I’ve added “You look like you’re ready to pop” to my list of things not to say.  It’s not quite as high up as “When are you guys going to have kids,” but it is on there.  I think I’ve calmed down, but just wish people would look at things from both sides of the story and realize that someone wants what they’re complaining about….

Waiting

Patience is not my middle name.  I’m not one for sitting back and waiting for things to happen.  I prefer to obsess, plan, schedule, control and make things happen.  My Daddio repeatedly reminds me that nothing is in my control…that I might as well give up on trying to control everything.  One of my favorite quotes is, “Faith in God includes faith in His timing.”  I hear it and try to understand it, but let’s be honest….I want what I want when I want it.  End tantrum.  Stomps foot.

I want my house to be done.  I want my loan to be closed.  I want my new furniture to sleep on.  I want my new appliances to cook dinners on.  I want to wash my clothes in the same house that I reside.  I’m not sure why this whole processes is taking so long….and each day it gets mildly/majorly more annoying. 

So in my mind, I have to find the good in it all.  Being homeless has allowed me to get to know my Sister in law better.  Brenda is a great person….a lifesaver in my eyes.  She has opened her home and life to us and the cats, and for that I will be forever grateful.  Being homeless has made me appreciate my home….it might have broken me of preferring restaurants over home cooked meals (we’ll see) and it has surely made me want to get in the house and stay in the house!!  Being homeless has given us extra time to get light fixtures, blinds, curtain rods, etc. ordered and shipped here so they are ready to be installed on day one.  The flexibility allowed for some great bargain shopping.  So there, Pollyanna just played The Glad Game. 

I want to grow our family.  Everyone keeps asking when we are going to have babies….good question folks, good question.  Again, when God decides the time is right, I guess we will know.  Until then, we’re a family of three (five including the kitty babies).

I want to advance in my career.  I love the program that I work with, but if it is a dead end path, I need to find a new fit….I don’t like change.  So, I wait.

I want to get some loose ends tied up with paperwork and finances.  Again, if things were in my hands, I would have gotten them fixed 100 Mondays ago, but instead I wait and call a certain person not nice names.

I’m not complaining (yeah, I know I coulda fooled myself), instead I’m just saying maybe I’m being taught to wait.  Maybe I’m being reminded that this is not about what Holly wants when she wants it.   Stomps foot!!  So I wait and accept that I am not suppose to understand all of this….I’ll keep waiting on myself to get better at waiting.  It might take a while.

Perspective

Disclaimer: I freak out easily, I want things done now now now, I have a certain way I want them done too…..in saying that, this method of madness has worked for me for 31+ years, so why fix what isn’t broke?!? Lol

Anyway, not my point. 

When I get my mind focused on something, I have a tendency to beat the dead horse, and then kick it a few times just for good measure.  So, we scheduled an appointment at The Meadows to see the house they are building that would be very similar to ours.  Keith was hospitalized for a brief stay (heart scare – he’s fine whew) and we had to reschedule.  So finally, July 3 arrived and we went to see our home.  I left there completely disappointed.  There are so many things that didn’t match the picture in my head…..the living room is small, the dining room is almost non-existent, the master bedroom and bath are a joke and the “modification” to move the laundry upstairs only further cut into our space.  Basically, it wasn’t our dream home. 

So we left, I shed a few tears and then I called in my MOHs….I decided that April and Heidi could fix it or talk me off the ledge (see Disclaimer above).  So we drove back out and walked through again.  I think I left there liking it even less.  I feel claustrophobic in that house....there is not room for our existing furniture, there is not room to put a pack and play by the bed one day (God willing), there is not a big space to host friends and family for dinner…..it just isn’t right. 

So I left again and really started feeling sorry for myself.  Then I remembered what I had planned for that evening.  I went to Kroger and Wal-Mart to gather groceries and went home so Heidi, Keith and I could make casseroles, dips, meatloaf, etc.  I wish they were for a dinner party or a shower or something fun, but in this case they weren’t.  That night we cooked for a close friend of Keith’s who is caring for his young children while his wife goes through chemo for Stage 4 colon cancer.  The moment I remembered that, I just forgot about the house. 

Suddenly walls, windows, square footage, etc. didn’t seem important.  Taking care of our friends and loving them in a way that so many people loved Dad, Heidi and I was all that mattered.  So we mixed, shredded, stirred, stuffed and were thankful we were all healthy enough to do so. 

On Thursday morning, we delivered the food, mowed their yard for them and sat back and chatted with their family.  The house was the last thing on my mind.  Don’t get me wrong, the house crept back in there as the weekend went on, but suddenly I’m not spazzing as much, I’m just going with the flow the best that my personality allows.

I’ve always hated when people tell you “someone else has it much worse than you,” I think it is cold and uncaring.  Everyone is allowed to be upset, we have a right to be sad, and yes in reality, there is always someone else in a far worse situation BUT it doesn’t make your heart hurt any less to be told that.  So I guess, the point of saying all this is, sometimes when things seem to be “the end of the world as you know it,” take the time to do something for someone else who is walking a rough road.  It quickly puts a lot into perspective……

Sidenote - links to two of the recipes we tried....Thank You Pinterest!!
Easy Meatloaf
Dorito Taco Bake

We also made Sausage Stuffed Shells, Mexican Rigatoni and Buffalo Chicken Dip.