I Sit and Wonder

My mind wanders a lot these days.  Today I was texting with one of the greatest people I know and my mind was off on a whole new tangent.

She's infertile.  A cancer scare robbed her of her "parts" well before 35.  She is the most amazing aunt in the world to her niece and nephew.  She never misses an event, she takes them out all the time and celebrates every milestone with them.  She loves them so well.

Then there's my adopted family member.  She's had miscarriages and she's infertile.  She scooped in and saved Heidi and I after Mom died.  She makes you feel like the most spoiled and loved people in the world.  She loves us so well.

Then there's my previous coworker.  She's infertile.  Her sister committed suicide and she's stepped in to love her niece and nephew and help show them what real love is.  She loves them well.

So my mind wanders to the questions, does infertility change you and make you value children that much more? Or does God decide to make you infertile so you're available to love those who need loved? 

Right now, I avoid kids.  Last night I got ambushed at a dinner party where there were 5, yes FIVE kids under 3 years old.  For some crazy reason I volunteered to hold a newborn so her mom could eat.  I won't ever pretend that I didn't contemplate making a stab at kidnapping. 

I'll never understand God's ways....but it definitely gives me something to think about.  I just pray that if the time comes, I can love like these three amazing women have.

Earth Has No Sorrow That Heaven Can't Heal

Come out of sadness
From wherever you’ve been
Come broken hearted
Let rescue begin
Come find your mercy
Oh sinner come kneel
Earth has no sorrow
That heaven can’t heal
Earth has no sorrow
That heaven can’t heal
-Crowder

I've been singing/humming this song all day.  I need reminded that one day all the tears and pain will be gone.  My Mom and our Doodle are in heaven; one day I'll see them again.

Today has been bittersweet.  The people who mean the world to me, put me together a book of letters.  Each one reflected so much about them individually and each one helped heal my heart.  How blessed am I to have these people in my life. 

March 29th will always be a day that's etched in my mind and heart.  Happy Due Date Doodle.  Mommy will always love you. 

When Your Mom Goes to Heaven

My friend's Mom died yesterday.  Just typing those words makes me tear up.   I know the heart ache and I know the pain.  Sometimes I wish someone had warned me what to expect and told me how to make it through.   Sometimes I'm thankful they didn't.  

If I could tell her anything, it might go something like this.

Dear friend,

Welcome to the club that you never wanted to join.  The club that you don't truly understand until you're one of us and the club you wouldn't invite even your worst enemy to join.

Here we know a pain so deep it squeezes your heart and takes your breath.  You will question multiple times if it might kill you, it won't.   You will cry and wonder if there is ever going to be an end to the tears, there will.

Here we feel like we're on the world's fastest and longest roller coaster of emotions that will never end, but it does slow down.   You'll want to scream at the top of your lungs, "Don't you know my Mom is dead?" and hate everyone for living in normalcy, so scream if you want.

You'll pick up the phone to call her.  You'll listen to her voicemail message.  You'll cry because you don't know her meatloaf recipe.  You'll develop a deep hate for Mother's Day commercials.   You'll miss the things she did that drove you nuts, more than anything else.  

You will hear people say some of the dumbest things, but remember they're just trying to help (trust me, this is so hard.)  You will also see the good in people as they love and support you, let them help.

I know you're in a complete fog right now and it feels like it will never end.   As time passes, you'll realize that God and love are the only things that kept you upright during these days.  I won't tell you time heals all wounds, because it doesn't.  You'll cry less with time, but there will always be a hole in your heart.   It does get easier to breathe, and I promise that you will learn to smile at the memories that now only bring you tears.

You will make it through this hell.  I remember people telling me that and I thought, "Well obviously they didn't love and need their Mom as much as I do," but they did love them, they were just farther along in healing.   Speaking of healing, don't even read the stages of grief, you'll heal how you are meant to heal and if that involves meds, counselors or whatever else you need, do it.  

I promise I'm here to help you in any way possible.  I'll tell you every crazy meltdown I had (Walmart Spice aisle was a favorite), I'll teach you how to "therapy cook" for a small army, and most importantly I'll sit and cry with you, because you need to get it out.  

I'm sorry your world is shattered right now.  I'm sorry you won't see your Mom again until Heaven.  I'm sorry there aren't better words than, "I'm sorry."  But know you're loved and we'll get you through this. 

I know you can't see it now, but one day you will be able to help someone else through a time like this.  One day you'll realize you survived and that your Mom would want you to smile again.  It's all part of being in the club....

With love,
Misses My Mommy Too

The Calm After The Storm

It's been almost a month since the day my heart shattered.  The day we found out that the little heart beat of the baby we had hoped, prayed and fought so hard for, was no longer there. 

The days and weeks that followed were the hardest we've faced in our marriage.  I flip flopped through the stages of grief and found myself lost and inconsolable.

Feeling like we'd finally beat infertility and having hope for a successful pregnancy was quickly and painfully taken away.  I thought the storm would never stop.  I thought the tears and tightness in my chest would never stop. 

Today is different.  I'm finally able to think of the next steps.  I no longer refuse the idea of trying again.  I'm anxious for my cycle to start and my 12 week bloodwork to be scheduled so we know what to do next.  I'm still nervous to start over with the drugs,  scans and all the unknowns of fertility treatments, but it's part of our journey. 

This calm doesn't mean I'm over losing our baby.  That will never be the case.  I still look at my calendar and think that we should be announcing our pregnancy this week.  I still think that I'd be graduating from the first trimester.  I still think of my Mom in heaven rocking the little one who we will meet some day.  It still hurts but the storms are calming.

I am still praying that God will give us a healthy baby.  I'm still asking that He will comfort us and help us have the strength and guidance for the road ahead.  I'm praying that the worst of the storms have passed and we'll remember to praise Him in the calm. 

September

I've never been so glad to see a new month.  Somehow a new month means new hope and is one step closer to a new start.  

The end of August doesn't erase the pain, but it's at least the end of one of the worst months of my life.  Today I realized I made it almost all day without tears....that's progress.

As I type,  I still dwell on the what ifs and the things I miss, but I'm trying so hard to be positive.  I keep telling myself it's time to heal. 

I've started reading Secret Sorority and downloaded some other books to see how others have made it through infertility and miscarriage.  I'm determined to come out on the other side with a baby/babies.  I know it's not in my control,  but I can hope and pray and do everything medically/financially possible.

So here's to September.... please be kind!

Easter In An Eggshell

What a weekend.  

Thursday: Keith picked up Perry and we quickly realized he had the stomach flu.  Keith's car had to be steam cleaned,  the half bath was temporarily painted purple (I'll never buy grape Gatorade again) and we got very little sleep in between bucket dumps.

Friday: We camped out at home for a LONG day of sanitizing,  laundry and airing out the house (the cats were loving the fresh air).  Perry watched movies,  I caught up on Netflix and Keith channel surfed.  It was nice to be lazy, but I would have preferred to skip the "accidents" and the little dude feeling rough.

Saturday: His energy was back with a vengeance.   The Easter Bunny came a day early to our house since his Mother is too selfish to share a holiday with us.  We unwrapped goodies then headed to PA to see the inlaws and grab dinner before taking the kiddo home.

Sunday: Slept in and spent the day eating way too much with my family.   This was the first year that all of my family's Easter traditions ceased and I'd be lying if I said it wasn't sad and disappointing.  My Mom always made holidays fun and special,  so it's hard to lose all that.  To add to the joy, we got absolutely interrogated over having children, to the point of tears (thankfully no one noticed). 

All in all,  the weekend flew by and I'm still praying we don't catch the stomach flu.  We did enjoy our time with family and the extra day off work.  Most of all,  we're thankful for the real meaning behind the holiday.   Thank you Lord for this life I'm blessed to live.  He is Risen.

Unicorns Aren't So Magical

Today was my HSG.  I read way too many horror stories online so honestly I was scared to death.  I won't lie and say it was painless.  There were moments that took my breath away and made me yelp, but they were short lived.  Keith got to come back with me (and rock a polka dot lead vest).  I was surprised to see Dr. T there (he was nice today), it just never crossed my mind that he'd be doing the test himself.

The first attempt wasn't clear so I got a second shot of dye and then it was over.  In the end,  I've got a single horn UU (nicknamed Unicorn Uterus) and I've got a tube and kidney that are MIA on my right side.   The real kicker is my right ovary is my good egg producer.  So now, not only are we fighting a losing game to get pregnant,  but staying pregnant is going to be hard, partnered with complicated birth if we make it to that point.

Needless to say,  our IUI has been canceled.  I'm now scheduled for an MRI in two weeks so they can see more.  My hope is fading more each day.  I'm just feeling defeated and numb.  The sadness and defeat in Keith's eyes breaks my heart even more....He puts on a strong face for me, but his heart hurts too. 

I read a while back where someone else on a much much much harder journey struggled with knowing how to pray and I too find myself struggling.  Her answer was a simple, "Jesus, please" and trusting he knows the rest.  So tonight I'm simply praying the same...."Jesus,  please."

Tangible Grace

After publishing my Debbie Downer post I felt a more upbeat post was needed.   It's time to brag on my husband.

I don't say it enough,  but THANK YOU GOD FOR THE MAN YOU MADE FOR ME.

He stays by my side when I give him every reason to run.   He takes amazing care of me.  He knows when I need him most.  He babies me when I NEED it.

Today he took a vacation day to take care of me (weak and dizzy from food poisoning) and to go to my doc appointment with me.  After bad news he even offered to take me to Kohls to cheer me up (I think he knew I felt too weak to accept but we'll give him the benefit of the doubt.)

I once heard the term "tangible grace" and that's what Keith is to me.... He's my tangible grace and I love that man.

Next Stop....Crazy Town

Well, God reminded me again that I have no control and I’m just along for the ride.  The days that we had left to make life altering decisions, ended up being interrupted by Day 1.  Which meant time to make an instant decision ugh. 

After much stressing and talking, we decided to move forward with the IUI.  So, Wednesday morning we headed to the Fertility office for an ultrasound and marching orders.  In 28 minutes, I was given a pregnancy test (meanies), given an ultrasound, prescribed Femara and “scheduled” for January 24^th.  As usual, Dr Jerkface was sssoooooo personable, but at least his staff makes the experience a little easier.  So now, I take drugs that say “Use reliable birth control when taking this medication to prevent harm to fetus” and wait for the little OPK to say it’s go time.  And I stress. 

At this point, I’m praying that Femara is nicer to me than Clomid.  I’m praying that our bodies do what they’re supposed to do.  And obviously, I’m begging God that this will work. 

January/February are going to be quite the ride.  Next stop....Crazy Town. 

Yes, that sums it up.

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