Let's Eat

I've been seeing a nutritionist through my RE's office for about a month now.  I was unsure of her in the beginning, but I've grown to like her.

Each visit, I get homework and we talk through some issues.

First visit, I was assigned 30 minutes of exercise and to watch my processed foods intake.  I jumped on the food wagon, but completely missed the exercise train.

Friday I had my followup and she was pleased with my results.  I've lost close to 10lbs and improved my food choices.

My homework this week was to work on allowing myself to have my "bad foods" in moderation.  I have to learn to work them into my day and find ways to not feel deprived.  My kinda homework lol!

Today I ventured to Chick Fil A for breakfast and did pretty well.  I cut back on sauces (140 calories in Chick Fil A Sauce y'all, yikes! ) and had grilled chicken and fruit at lunch to balance out the count.  I even skipped birthday cake at my Dad's dinner last night. 

I also joined a local Crockpot meal group on FB that gives me daily exercises to do and so far I'm 1 for 1 on completing those.  Haha that's quite a track record lol

Overall, I'm doing alright with the plan.  It's definitely something I can do long term so we'll see what the future holds. 

Oh Yeah, I'm Aware.....

Facebook is my frenemy.  I love to hate it and hate to love it.  It's a constant game of emotional Russian Roulette. 

Every day I'm guaranteed to see a pregnancy announcement, a birth announcement, a bump update, a newborn pic, a pregnancy complaint or something that reminds me that I'm not pregnant. 

I'm OK to face these 99% of the time.  I often hit "like" because I'll always believe babies are something to love and be thankful for.  

Today was different.  Someone posted,  "It's official, I'm going to be a Mommy," so I hit like and kept scrolling.  Next thing I know, a private message shows up in my Facebook conversations.   I am dumbfounded.  I am appalled.  I am baffled. 

How does faking a pregnancy bring awareness to cancer?  How does joking about a fake baby help anyone?  I'm aware of cancer.... It took my Mom.  I'm also aware of infertility..... It has to-date taken my dreams of being a Mom. 

I've seen plenty of these Facebook games before, but today it just hit a nerve.  Oh sweet girl who posted this, I pray you never have to face a time where you would give pretty much anything to be the one to post a pregnancy announcement. 

Hit Me With Your Best Shot

I feel like yelling "Man down.  Man down. What's been hit?" and dramatically falling to the ground.   The pregnancy announcements y'all... they're flying at me from every angle.   I feel like everyone I know had one big baby making convention and I missed the memo.  

Sheesh.

There is usually a break between the announcements.  This month they're constant.

Let's review their social media methods, shall we?

We Prayed, God Answered:  Um, can you pray for me too please, because I pray and obviously get a very different answer.

The Upcoming Movie Poster:  Yeah, I could make a movie too, featuring an ultrasound-wand fight scene and crazy girl meltdowns.

Only Child Expiring: What a coincidence, apparently my eggs are expiring too!

Santa Baby Shirt: Note to Self-You need to beg Santa too apparently.  Pray to God and Bribe Santa - check!

These are just a few that came to mind, not even mentioning the 16 YES 16 friends who are farther along. 

So after what seems like a bitter rant, let me just say I'm happy for these ladies.  Some of them have waited a long time for their miracles, but sheesh, let's go a day or two without a kill shot, shall we? 

Oh and please say a prayer for a friend of mine who is hoping and praying for a Christmas miracle of her own.  Santa, bring her a BFP for Christmas, please (I'm willing to barter with cookies.)   :)

Merry Christmas Everyone!  

It's Not Official Until It's On Facebook

I've joked with friends in the past, that their news (engagement, pregnancy, marriage, divorce) isn't official until it's on Facebook.   When I posted my engagement news,  I told Keith there was no looking back because it was Facebook official. 

I've documented all my big news on there and had already started to plan how to announce that we were expecting.  But now we're not, and I don't know how to document that.

I've spent several days heartbroken over the things people have said and the questions they've asked,  but how can I blame them when they really have no idea?  They don't know my struggles and loss,  so why fault them for small talk?

I fear that people will think I'm looking for pity, sympathy and attention.  I fear it will open me up for more hurtful words and suggestions to "just adopt." 

On the flipside,  I would hope to find others who can relate (not that I'd wish this on anyone).  I'd hope to eliminate some of the shame behind saying, "My baby died" and "I'm struggling."  I'd hope that it would show that Doodle mattered.

August 19th was Day of Hope for miscarriage,  stillborn and infant loss.  It was too soon.   October is Awareness Month,  the 9th-15th is Awareness Week and the 15th is Remembrance Day.  I still don't know if I'll post anything then.

What would I say if I did post?  
For those who have asked if we want kids-Yes, we want them so badly it hurts.

For those who have asked if we have kids-Yes, we have an 8 year old named Perry and we also have a baby in heaven.

Yeah that doesn't sound quite right.   

I've found pictures that simply say,  "Breaking the silence. I've got a baby in heaven."  But again,  I don't want to seem like I'm looking for sympathy.  I'm truly not.  I'm just lost on what all of this means in my life, our lives. 

There's no "Miscarriage for Dummies" book.   There are a few blogs that have been recently updated and they all say they're glad they told their secret.  They say it helped them heal and feel that they weren't alone and isolated.

It seems petty to even be debating this.  It's really just the thoughts in my head spewed out.