Cuatro - A Look Back

I had a hunch I was pregnant.  Wasn't late, just a feeling.  Decided to dig out expired old cheap tests.  Forgot about it and walked back in to toss it and saw the faintest color.  I'll let you in on a little secret....infertiles can see lines before 99.9% of the population can see lines.  It's our super power. 

Marched downstairs and thrust it in the husband's face, "Do you see anything?" and looked at him annoyingly.  Those are the magical pregnancy announcements I dreamed of.  1st baby got a gift and a card.  2nd baby got a Starbucks cup that said Daddy.  3rd baby got something cutesie.  This baby.... pee stick and cranky wife in the face.  Magical.

I continued to pee on random (expired) tests all weekend.  Monday morning I was at the clinic begging to be stabbed.  309.7.  Repeat on Wednesday 909.3.  Progesterone suppositories and ultrasound scheduled for 7 weeks.  And I'm left to freak out. 

Told my usual partners in crime.... again, nothing cute and fun.  No videoing... and strict instructions not to be excited.  I told my Dad on the phone.  Yeah, there's one for the baby books.

What's different this time?  I started the aspirin and progesterone earlier.  I'm trying to exercise more and stay hydrated.  And I'm nauseated.  Like green and gaggy.  I'm convinced it's a great sign, but wow it's fun. 

I feel robbed of the fun and excitement.  I'm still so incredibly guarded and realize this probably won't end well.  I'm still hoping and praying Cuatro will be in our arms soon. 

Third Time Is The Charm

Written before our loss:

July 17, 2017
Well it's time for my annual Summer pregnancy.  

2014: Doodle
2015: Nugget
2016: Took a break to have hernia surgery and get my stomach acid issues under control
2017: Round 3

So, after vacation, we found a house to buy.  We've been searching for 4 years and this one just landed in our laps (I'll blog about that later).  So we're dealing with the craziness and stress of having 2 mortgages and getting everything done when a friend joked that this would be the time I'd get pregnant.  I brushed them off because of spotting I'd had that morning and went back to creating my to-do lists.   

A few days later, no period...I take the cheap tests and BFNs....I blame stress and keep on trucking.  One night my loving husband tells me I'm being a psycho crazy woman (this also occurs with aforementioned annual pregnancies) and I thought maybe I should take a real test.  The next morning I drag the expired thing out of the back of the cabinet and suddenly the faintest line ever appears.   I make him analyze it with me, because well let's face it, the cute announcement boat has sailed after 2 losses.  Not meaning that this baby deserves any less, just that I'm more guarded and less hopeful... I'm damaged.  

So the new doctor we're seeing, who insisted on this 6 months of natural attempts, isn't a fertility specialist.  He's a high risk doctor in a family medicine clinic so getting to talk to someone is hard.  They finally get my orders in for blood-work before lunch.   After lunch, my beta was 26 (the lowest on the preggo chart) and my progesterone is way low.  So I'm started on capsules and we repeat on Thursday. 

Obviously the clock has stopped moving but thankfully, moving and mortgage stuff has me crazy occupied.

I sit and stare at the tests and analyze them.  I want one to light up like I'm pregnant with quints ha. 

Numbers and Dates

Started writing before our loss:

7/20/17

Up bright and early Thursday morning to be the first stabbing at the lab.  Rush home to await results..... drumroll please,  62.  And progesterone has gone up (thanks to meds). 

Wait for hours for the doc to call and crickets.  I finally call them and talk to the nurse.  Met with the same cautious and worried tone as last time.  I ask about baby aspirin and they agree it's a good idea (good cause I started it days ago).  They also want to monitor my thyroid. 

Repeat bloodwork on Monday.  Monday is a big big day. Takes my breath away. 

We're still avoiding the subject.  In the past I would have bought something by now or dug out name books.  Not this time.  I've learned the pain that causes.... I'm teary eyed just thinking of that pain.  Dear God, I beg you to let this time be different. 

7/24/17

185

So very hopeful!!!

7/28/17

ER - ectopic pregnancy.  1 day shy of 6 weeks.

7/31/2017

Methotrexate injections

And We're Here Again

Another loss.  Another heartbreak.  Another baby we'll only hold in heaven. 

Almost a month later and I'm still dealing with this ectopic pregnancy.  Methotrexate, hospitals and that empty, sad feeling. 

I feel like I need to write everything down, yet I don't feel like opening the wounds more.  I'll publish the pieces I started writing during happier times, because this baby deserves to be remembered. 

It just hurts. A lot. 

Lately

I feel like I'm slowly getting back to the point where I want to blog.  For a long time, I felt like I honestly couldn't blog because I refused to admit the things I felt and thought.  I don't plan to rehash them, but know they weren't my proudest moments. 

Right now, we're in limbo.   We took some major time off so I could focus on getting healthier and improving my body to hopefully grow a little body.  I'm happily no longer obese (just overweight haha) and feel like a new woman.  

We're gearing up to explore our options again.   We're getting a second opinion in February  (hopefully sooner if there's a cancellation).  I'll start tracking again soon too. 

Two of my fellow infertiles are pregnant right now, and I'm determined to be number three!  I'm honestly so excited for them...they've fought hard for their miracles!   I'm trying to stay realistic, but it's so hard.  35 is moving in fast....the dreaded age *sigh*

In the meantime, I'm loving life as an aunt and I've resisted the urge to kidnap him.   I think I deserve a cookie  (or baby) for that!

We'll see what the future holds...

That Post I've Written 100 Times In My Head

In the past, I've vaguely mentioned a gift that was offered to us.  I've never really elaborated, but to put it quite simply, someone offered us one of the selfless gifts I could imagine.  Someone offered to carry our baby/babies for us. 

In the days before the IVF discussion that brought our dreams crashing down, this one person offered us more hope than we've felt in years. 

This post is for her.

Dear Friend,

How do I ever find the words to acknowledge the gift you offered us?  How do I ever express just how much you touched my heart?

The conversation we had was so much like others we have had in the past.   We joked.  You blushed.  We ate.  We vented.  Then you offered to babysit for us for 9 months.  I don't think it sunk in immediately.  Sometimes, I still don't think it has.  But in that conversation, you offered something that only the kindest hearted person could ever offer. 

The fact that you had done so much homework and research floored me.  The fact that you had considered how each person in your family would be affected is so "you." 

That night, I made a secret Surrogate  board on Pinterest.   I did so much reading.  I sat astounded at the "hugeness" of it all.

The truth is, I can't imagine a bigger honor than having my child grow near a heart as big as yours. If the baby could inherit one ounce of your character, it would be an amazing gain. 

As I sit and write (and cry, of course) I still sit dumbfounded.  What did I ever do to deserve such a gift? 

So even though, we'll likely never be able to explore this path, please don't think I'll ever forget the day you offered to carry my dreams.  Please never doubt that you helped heal my heart and that in the end you really did give me a gift I'll never forget.

As I end this, the words still don't seem to be right, or enough.  This post has sat unpublished for so long, for this reason alone.  I'll likely never find a way to repay you, even the slightest bit, but thank you.   I love you and your family and I'm blessed to call you my friend and my "almost could have been baby mama!"

Love, 
Me

Wordless

I've struggled to write lately.  Partially because of a stressful project at work.  Partially because I don't know what to think, feel or write.  Partially because avoiding my thoughts is therapeutic (I lie to myself).

I can't sleep lately.  4 hours is the name of the game some nights.  If my brain had an off switch, I'd be one happy girl. 

I'm added to Keith's insurance for 2016. I have had some other amazing opportunities that have been huge blessings arise (more on that later).  My cousin recently had a successful transfer and is happily pregnant on her hail mary embryo.  Yet I'm scared....Petrified really.

I'm waiting for one single day where this is easy.  I need one single day when my brain and my heart and my life and our finances and my everything just get their act together. 

I'm still waiting for it to happen "naturally" (hate that word) again.  I'm still convinced it will end in loss. I'm still contemplating kidnapping or running away from home or adopting or more furry kids instead of human.  I'm still telling myself to give up and move on. 

Alright maybe I don't lack words at all....just answers. I lack answers.

Loss #2

I lost another baby today.  We lost another child today.  This time it was earlier.  This time my body naturally started the process.  This time it hurts, but it's a different kind of hurt, but yet still the same. 

There is no ultrasound picture this time.  Some say it's even too early to be called a miscarriage.  But still there is a loss and a new hole in my heart. 

I hate my body.  I hate the way I feel physically, emotionally and mentally.  I hate that I inconvenienced the people who had to sweep in again and pick me up off the floor. 

I called this little one Nugget.  We fought over names.  We browsed nursery fabrics.  I bought a chalkboard for monthly pictures.  I dared to dream that this time would be different. 

Maybe I shouldn't have shopped on Saturday.  Maybe I shouldn't have mowed grass on Monday.  Maybe I shouldn't have tried yoga poses to increase blood flow.  Maybe I rolled on my back too long in my sleep. 

I called the doctor's office, but I still have no idea what that nurse said.  I remember her confirming that my numbers dropped significantly, but the rest is a blur.  I don't know how I drove home.  I don't know what I'd do without the crew that swept in to pick up the pieces. 

My heart hurts.  I want my baby back.  I don't know why I'm here again. Why did I put myself through this again? 

A Look Back (#1)

Excited. Scared. Thrilled. Terrified. Hopeful. Worried. Ecstatic. Petrified.

I could go on and on. 

This time is different.  I want to skip and yell and celebrate and throw a party.  But I also want to hide and pretend it's not happening and protect my heart. 

I'm begging God.  I'm praising God.  

I keep thinking of this quote:

It's not fair to this baby. MY second biological child to not celebrate his or her life, because Doodle is in heaven.  

So the doctor's office doesn't open until 8am.  The same time as my physical therapy appointment.  After that I'm blood work bound.   Please let the numbers be great.  

I think I'm taking Keith coffee from Starbucks that says "Daddy of 2" on the cup.  I told him last night that my period was late and he just simply said "Don't get your hopes up honey." He worries. 

Well I'm done crying and rambling for now.  More later.

Something New

Today is CD10 and I headed to the doc for a simple scan.  I saw Hippie Santa since my doc wasn't available (hospital rounds) and he decided to throw a curve ball our way. 

My endometrium was awesome, my disconnected ovary had a 13 and a 17 and my good ovary had a..... 23!!!  So he decided it was time for me to do a trigger shot, something I've never done before.  The nurse searched all over town for one and finally sent me to fetch it.   Twenty minutes later and it was administered and I was sent back to work. 

Tomorrow morning is our second IUI.... and I couldn't be more excited!   Prayers are welcome especially that my Unicornuate Uterus cooperates!   We'll go for Keith's appointment at 8, grab breakfast together and go for my appointment at 9.  EEK!

Failure on Friday

Another round bites the dust. 

This whole round has been off kilter. I started meds on Day 4 instead of 3.  I got a positive OPK on Day 11 instead of 12.  I called the doctor to make sure I didn't need to be seen on Thursday and was told no.  Then I go in today and find out we're too late to identify which side I'm ovulating on.  So we're told to try on our own but we actually have jobs (I'm on vacation today) so we can't just neglect all responsibilities. 

I cried.  I ate Chick fil A. I got cheered up by my people.  I received beautiful flowers.  I got cuddled by my furry nephew and I'm watching Netflix galore.  Sigh. 

Here We Go Again

Tomorrow morning starts a new cycle with the doc.  I'm hoping and praying to be cyst free and that he'll agree to do the mega dose of Letrozole again with potential for IUI. 

I've been shoving thoughts of "we should have a newborn right now" aside and trying to hold myself together.  I'm still on the healthy wagon, I'm taking my vitamins and aspirin and doing my castor oil packs.   Come on baby making equipment, I'd like the Easter Bunny to bring me a BFP. 

Failure

Endometrium was 7.3.

Left side 16.4

Right side 21 and 15.3

IUI is canceled.  Needless to say, feeling totally defeated.  Unicornuate Uterus I hate you! 

Dazed and Confused

I had my follow up ultrasound today and the new doctor confirmed that I've got a whole lot of nothing going on this month.  I've got some <10 follicles, but those are useless.  

What an update. Sigh.

But in happier news.  I love the new doctor.  He's a hippie Santa Claus and he was consulted on the John and Kate Plus 8 pregnancy so he's technically a big deal lol.   He's from Illinois and he's dealt with uterine weirdos like me before.  GAME ON.

Basically, he wants to do injections.   He says me and my eggs aren't getting any younger and it's time to call in the big dogs.  He sat with me for 30 minutes and talked percentages and drew pictures and gave me everything I've been missing from my original doc. 

I'm not sure what to do next.  The $1,100.00 price tag for each cycle is very concerning.  That's my biggest concern.  I can handle the needles (I hope) but in my mind this is our last hope.  It's scary.  It's overwhelming.

I'm lost and confused.  Luckily or unluckily we have 2 weeks to figure it out.  Truthfully it might come down to eeny meeny miny moe.   Whatever happens, hopefully hippie Santa can bring us a baby!

Nothing Zilch Zero Nada

That's the report on my follicles for the month.   Doc thinks I might have a hidden one on my right side (Unicornuate issues) but they'll scan again next Tuesday just to be sure.

My endometrium was 7.1 so that's good.

I also met with the nutritionist and I'm starting down the path to improve my health and weight.  So far I like her approach.  I had to pick 2 areas to improve.   For the next month, I have to move more, drink more water, eat breakfast, and cut back my processed foods (I picked 4 things).  I'll meet her again in a month and we'll decide on the next steps. 

Not a great visit, but I'm oddly OK with it.  This month will be a good mental break and let me start bettering my body. 

Merry Go Round

I've decided my life feels like a Merry Go Round these days.   You climb on expecting great things, you go up and down and then you're disappointed it's over and you're begging for another ride.  As is infertility.   Each month, I get excited that this is our month.  I have the days of feeling up and good, followed by the days of feeling down and yucky.   Then it fails and it's over and I find myself right back in the line to buy another ride. 

The real kicker is Merry Go Rounds make me sick....Good ole motion sickness lol.  

Anyway, started another round today.  Most likely will ovulate on the wrong side, but I'm hopping on the horse, just incase.   Round and round we go......

Worry

I'm a worrier.  The Bible is full of verses telling us not to worry.  The internet is full of quotes giving us advice on not worrying.  Yet, I worry. 

I truly believe in my heart that everything is in God's hands, but I just can't turn off the worrying.  Huge hypocrite, maybe, but I'm working on it.

What if this is another failed cycle?   What if the new meds make me sick/mean/crazy?   What if I'm pregnant and it ends in another miscarriage?  What if I make it past miscarriage and my Unicornuate Uterus leads to premature labor/still birth? 

The innocence is gone.  I know too much.  I'm worried.   But, buried deep, I know that the answer to all the "What ifs" is we'll make it through.  We'll be devastated and cry.  A. LOT.  I'm worried about feeling that sad again.  I'm worried because I know there is a lower low than we've already been. 

I've got to find some optimism.  I've got to cling to my faith and have hope.  It's so hard. 

Scan and Score

Had my scan this morning and got good news!   All the action is on my left side, my follicle measured at 17.6 on CD10 and my endometrium is 6.9.   Now we wait for a positive OPK and start Progesterone three days after ovulation.

Oh 2015, please be good to us!  

Here We Go Again

Santa decided to bring me CD1 as an early Christmas gift (boo) so that left me scrambling to get ahold of the doc before they closed early on Christmas Eve.  They decided I could wait until today to get scanned, so bright and early this morning we ventured to his office.

The short version: My cyst is gone, another round of Letrozole and 3 days after a positive OPK, I start Progesterone suppositories.   These are new to me and I'm dreading all the fun I've read about, but I'll do whatever is needed.   I asked about a scan to see which side I'm ovulating on and he said it wasn't necessary, until I reminded him about my Unicornuate Uterus and now I'll be going in for a scan next Friday.   Yet again, he makes me worry that he has no clue which patient is which.   He also skipped blood work this month because of timing so I'm clueless about the estradiol numbers.

Here we go again....

Red Light

Apparently good blood results weren't all we needed for a green light. *sigh*

I went to see the Doc this morning and his first comment was, "So you decided to take a break?"  UM NO!   You told us we had to take a break until my blood results came back.  I still don't know where the miscommunication happened. 

He asked about my cycles during our "break" and he responded that they're too short.  Um they've been like this since I started seeing him.  (I have an Excel spreadsheet, duh!) So then we went into the room with the probe and he mumbled something about my endometrium reports from when I was 13 (um 19 years ago by the same doc who just accidentally didn't notice my UU while she was in there) and then BAM Oh you've got a big cyst on your left ovary.  Yes my good ovary.   (He proceeded to poke it a few times just for good measure.)

I finally got my clothes back and to the conference room we went.   More blood work, no treatments this month, more waiting.  

So I got poked twice.  Cried in the car.   Stopped for breakfast and cried over my chicken while my poor husband looked at me like he's afraid I'm going to totally melt down.   Poor guy. 

So now we wait for blood results from Boston.  Guess Santa isn't bringing us a baby for Christmas.  

This is what chicken therapy looks like lol