Lately

I feel like I'm slowly getting back to the point where I want to blog.  For a long time, I felt like I honestly couldn't blog because I refused to admit the things I felt and thought.  I don't plan to rehash them, but know they weren't my proudest moments. 

Right now, we're in limbo.   We took some major time off so I could focus on getting healthier and improving my body to hopefully grow a little body.  I'm happily no longer obese (just overweight haha) and feel like a new woman.  

We're gearing up to explore our options again.   We're getting a second opinion in February  (hopefully sooner if there's a cancellation).  I'll start tracking again soon too. 

Two of my fellow infertiles are pregnant right now, and I'm determined to be number three!  I'm honestly so excited for them...they've fought hard for their miracles!   I'm trying to stay realistic, but it's so hard.  35 is moving in fast....the dreaded age *sigh*

In the meantime, I'm loving life as an aunt and I've resisted the urge to kidnap him.   I think I deserve a cookie  (or baby) for that!

We'll see what the future holds...

And Then?

A month has passed since I wrote the post about being Stuck.  Guess what?  Nothing has changed. 

Every day I wake up and there's a big fat pink elephant in the room and nobody wants to talk about it.   Sometimes I force the conversations that lead us no where. Some days I request information on adopting/fostering and I leave the package tucked out of sight.  Occasionally, I check savings accounts and do the math around IVF.  I'll even admit some days that I secretly hope that since we've "quit trying" that maybe it will magically happen. 

My gynecologist mentioned she'd keep us in mind if she stumbled across a mother who needed a family for her child.  That gave me hope for a day or two.  Then reality set in.

I. DON'T.  KNOW.  WHAT.  TO.  DO.

I need to rip off the bandaid.  We need to make some decisions.  Can someone, anyone tell us what to do?!?  Do we flip a coin?  There aren't just two options so that won't solve anything.  Maybe rock paper scissors will work?!?  

What A Day

It's been a Friday for the books.  I surely didn't see this one coming.  I don't expect anyone to read this, but I'm writing it anyway.

6:30: So rudely woken up by the husband.
8:15: Black load of laundry meets tissue in pocket
8:45: Head to Panera for mango iced tea um I mean breakfast. 
10: Hubby informs me he needs emergency root canal. Rush to the dentist and make myself cozy in waiting room.
12: Finally leave the dentist office. 
12:15: Sit down with stoned husband, order food and he realizes he has a 1pm meeting.   Food is boxed up and we leave.
1: Target, Sams Club - great deal on a brisket and Keith's beloved breakfast sandwiches.  
3: Home to put away groceries
3:30: Pedicure with sister (pretty pale pink)
5: Mall with sister to find wedding attire.  Discover missing diamond in engagement ring so drop it off for warranty work.
6:30: Call husband for dinner order.  Doesn't want anything.  I drive near our house to get my chicken salad ole and call him to tell him I'm homeward bound and guess who wants food? From the restaurant beside the mall I just left. 
7:30: Finally swallow my (cold) dinner whole.
8:15:  Discover not one but two piles of dried cat poop under our spare bed. (Just keeping it real folks)
8:30: Climb in bathtub to soak and pray that tomorrow will be calmer lol.

Days off work are exhausting!

Crabbier Than Crabby

Yesterday I hated the world.  I was so cranky I couldn't handle myself!  I was in desperate need of some grace and junk food!   When my husband didn't want to split a banana split with me, I lost it.  Poor man thinks I'm mental.

Anyway, I decided to get my hair done thanks to a salon coupon and I put myself to bed early and today I'm back to normalish.  Not surprisingly, CD1 came to visit so I see the Doc Thursday. 

In other weekend news, I made this recipe.  Perry and I loved it, Keith not so much.  I also got in some Hobby Lobby, Kohls, Trader Joes and consignment store shopping. 

Happy Monday (Wow that post was a jumbled mess)

Merry Go Round

I've decided my life feels like a Merry Go Round these days.   You climb on expecting great things, you go up and down and then you're disappointed it's over and you're begging for another ride.  As is infertility.   Each month, I get excited that this is our month.  I have the days of feeling up and good, followed by the days of feeling down and yucky.   Then it fails and it's over and I find myself right back in the line to buy another ride. 

The real kicker is Merry Go Rounds make me sick....Good ole motion sickness lol.  

Anyway, started another round today.  Most likely will ovulate on the wrong side, but I'm hopping on the horse, just incase.   Round and round we go......

Struggling

I started to write a post on all the things I'm thankful for (and there are so many), but my heart is just not in it tonight.   I'm struggling. 

I am done with progesterone in 2 days and then CD1 will be here, again.   Realistically the next cycle on my left will be around my 33rd birthday, one year older for me and my eggs.  

When do we throw in the towel?  When do we say enough is enough?  When does this feeling of constant anxiety stop? 

At lunch today, I learned about an old classmate who just became a "dad" for the 4th time.... he doesn't provide for the first three and the fourth was born addicted to heroin.  Oh my heart and my brain just can't make sense out of that one. 

How do I drag myself out of this funk? How do I focus on the things I'm thankful for again?  How do I decide what to do next?  How do I make this hurt and anxiety go away? 

I Jumped on "The Bachelor" Bus

Call it too much free time.  Call it looking for distractions from the TWW.  Call it whatever, but I crossed over and gave "The Bachelor" a whirl.  And.... I'm hooked. 

Farmer Chris is a cutie and these women are slightly crazy.  Sounds like the perfect way to kill some time. 

My thoughts on the cast:

-I like Whitney,  the fertility nurse, but I might just be biased towards those who help infertile women.  She does seem sweet though and she offered to help inseminate his animals so she gets my vote.

-Britt is the prettiest and definitely deserved her rose.  Kelsey is pretty and stands out too.

-Tracy, the 4th grade teacher, also gets my vote for threatening to be the crazy cat lady if she doesn't find love.

-The Crazy Awards go to Ashley S, Tara and Kaitlyn.  I was super annoyed that he kept them all.  Boy must like train wrecks.

-What in the world was Brittany wearing?  Lingerie never doubles as a dress - Ew.

-Girls dropping the F bomb isn't cute.

So there are my thoughts.  I'm kinda excited for the next episode.....I'm so ashamed lol.

Hit Me With Your Best Shot

I feel like yelling "Man down.  Man down. What's been hit?" and dramatically falling to the ground.   The pregnancy announcements y'all... they're flying at me from every angle.   I feel like everyone I know had one big baby making convention and I missed the memo.  

Sheesh.

There is usually a break between the announcements.  This month they're constant.

Let's review their social media methods, shall we?

We Prayed, God Answered:  Um, can you pray for me too please, because I pray and obviously get a very different answer.

The Upcoming Movie Poster:  Yeah, I could make a movie too, featuring an ultrasound-wand fight scene and crazy girl meltdowns.

Only Child Expiring: What a coincidence, apparently my eggs are expiring too!

Santa Baby Shirt: Note to Self-You need to beg Santa too apparently.  Pray to God and Bribe Santa - check!

These are just a few that came to mind, not even mentioning the 16 YES 16 friends who are farther along. 

So after what seems like a bitter rant, let me just say I'm happy for these ladies.  Some of them have waited a long time for their miracles, but sheesh, let's go a day or two without a kill shot, shall we? 

Oh and please say a prayer for a friend of mine who is hoping and praying for a Christmas miracle of her own.  Santa, bring her a BFP for Christmas, please (I'm willing to barter with cookies.)   :)

Merry Christmas Everyone!  

Every Storm Runs Out of Rain

Thank you, Gary Allan, for the blog title  ;)

I checked my voicemail yesterday and  my doctor left me a voicemail on Friday (I despise voicemail, so I ignore them.)  I didn't have a missed call, so apparently my phone decided I didn't need the news until after the weekend.

Anyway, my blood results are confusing.  That's the gist of the message.   My estradiol is 113, but my FSH and another hormone (he mumbles) are normal.   Either the cyst on my good ovary is causing mischief or I've got a decreased ovarian reserve.  

So then me and Google decided to do our own medical analysis and my results can also signify ovarian cancer or early menopause.  

So, I called the office and talked to the nurse and basically we're back to waiting for Day 1 again.   Then we scan and take blood again.  And until then, I wait and worry and ignore this pain in my side.

And I also get angrier that this bloodwork hasn't been done before.  I feel like we take one step forward and three steps back.   Why can't they just run every test in the book on me?  Poke, prod, scan and test everything and tell me once and for all what we're working with.  

So here I am again reminding myself that eventually this storm will pass.  It might not end with sunshine and rainbows, but it will pass.  (random thought: Why do I associate my infertility with weather so often?.... I'll add that to the list of things to have psycho analyzed lol.)

Sigh.

Furry Kids

On a rainy winter day, I had nothing better to do than reflect on something deep and meaningful.   So here it is....

10 Ways My Cats Are Preparing Me For Parenthood

1.  I've perfected the art of 101 nicknames instead of using their given names.  Josephine Margaret is JoJo Binx, Binkies, Little Mama.   Roosuphus George Harold is Rooey, Roostapher, Handsome Butt.

2. I'm skilled at saying, "Don't bite your Mama," "Quit smacking your sister," and "Do my kids want breakfast?".

3.  I've learned to clean up bodily fluids with minimal gagging.

4. I'm used to sleeping on a quarter of the bed as to not disturb the little ones who've invited themselves in.

5. I've learned how to child/cat proof the Christmas tree.

6. I've learned not to waste my money on expensive gifts, because there's a high chance the box or ribbon are going to be the biggest hit.

7. I've realized that missing or delaying a feeding is welcomed with screams that make you cringe.

8.  I've learned that it's always OK to rock and sing to them.  They might scream louder, but they secretly love it.

9.  I've practiced taking hundreds of pictures of all those major milestones: sleeping, yawning, playing, eating, etc.

10. Last but not least, I've learned to love something so much and do whatever necessary to keep them alive and healthy. 

And now, I'll go back to Gilmore Girls on Netflix.  I really should be wrapping gifts, but these bed hogs have forbidden it ;)

Macaroni Drama

I'm stressed.  Work is stressful.  Holidays are stressful.  Snow stresses my husband which I find stressful.  And don't even get me started on the stress associated with your husband having an ex wife/baby mama.  So right now waiting for blood work results and thinking about trying again is more than I signed up for.

So after a particularly crappy day in the office, I come home to find that my husband can't find the icing for a cake be baked that we needed to take to a dinner.  I dig through the entire pantry, realize my sister might have gotten it mixed in with her groceries, confirm this and reload the pantry and the last box is a jumbo container of elbow macaroni and it went everywhere.  

So I cry.  I go upstairs and dig out my fat pants and I cry.  I suck it up, go to dinner, wear the first bite of food, and ice the cake.   So I cut myself a therapy slice, take a bite and almost gag.  I have no idea whatsoever what my husband did or didn't do, but the cake tasted like nastiness. 

So now the cake is in the trash.  The elbow macaroni is in the vacuum.  My shirt is soaking.  And I'm contemplating a quick stay in the nut house.   Maybe this is what they mean when they say, "She's lost her noodle."

Tomorrow will be better!

While We Wait

When I first found out I was pregnant, I was thrilled.  I will admit though that there were two things that I instantly missed:  hot baths and hot dogs.  (Quit judging)

Anyway, since I can't eat hot dogs daily, I've been taking daily hot baths and I'm convinced they're a little bit of heaven on earth, thanks to my latest product discovery from a favorite blog.

I started out with one product and I'm now up to four.  Two ladies on my Christmas list are also getting the products with their gifts.  I can't explain how good these smell!   I honestly want to go buy more, but then I'm crossing into obsessed hoarder status so I'll control myself.  (Now if Target or Ulta have a good coupon, all bets are off.)

So, while we wait, I'll continue to soak and smell these amazing scents and after we finally get our baby, I'll stock up on (more of) their baby line! 

Mind Dump

-Rain rain go away! 

-What happens to the first Duggar child who is infertile? Do they get excommunicated from the family?

-Why isn't it socially acceptable for me to grow a Winter fur like my cats do?

-My husband told me I look like Captain America when I wear knee boots.  Now I have to decide if I wear them and go all super hero and kick his butt for the insult OR if I retire my beloved boots?

-I want to bake some Fall goodies, but I don't need to eat sweets.  The struggle is real folks. (Update: The picture below clearly reveals I lost the battle.)

-I am worried that WHEN I have a daughter, she'll be one of those stubborn little stinkers that refuses to wear hair things/head bands.  Lol yes this is the last worry I should have, but it's my mind dump and I can say it if I want to lol

-I can't get enough smelly stuff in my house!   Every wallflower, Scentsy warmer and candle is pumping out the Fall scents. 

-Biggest Loser is making me regret my cheesefries at dinner. 

-I'm procrastinating on getting my flu shot.  I get a low grade fever and feel crappy afterwards so I put it off as long as possible.  Ouchie needles.

-My water bill is going to be through the roof this month because of my new bath soak.  It smells so good!

-I've put a major dent in Christmas shopping.   If I can't focus on breeding this month, I'm going to stress shop lol. 

-My kiddo's football team is undefeated and their first playoff game is Sunday.  GO LEOPARDS!

Currently

Currently I Am....

Listening: To the sound of silence.  Online radio isn't working.

Eating: Sharp White Cheddar Cheez-It Grooves.  I need to hide the box from myself.

Drinking: Cran-Grape Juice.  Going to chug some water soon to get my veins IV ready.

Wearing: Jean capris, flip flops and printed shirt.  Yippee for jeans day.

Experiencing weather: That is all over the place.  Supposed to hit 90 today.

Wanting: My period to start so we can start over with tracking, meds,  etc. Ultimately wanting a healthy baby in our arms.

Needing: My CT scan to go well today.  Follow up on a 6mm nodule in my lung. 

Thinking: That August is thankfully almost over and that I get to celebrate my Seester's 29th birthday with her tonight!  (Isn't their anniversary photo below cute?)

Enjoying: The upcoming 3 day weekend!

Happy Friday Folks.  

It's Not Official Until It's On Facebook

I've joked with friends in the past, that their news (engagement, pregnancy, marriage, divorce) isn't official until it's on Facebook.   When I posted my engagement news,  I told Keith there was no looking back because it was Facebook official. 

I've documented all my big news on there and had already started to plan how to announce that we were expecting.  But now we're not, and I don't know how to document that.

I've spent several days heartbroken over the things people have said and the questions they've asked,  but how can I blame them when they really have no idea?  They don't know my struggles and loss,  so why fault them for small talk?

I fear that people will think I'm looking for pity, sympathy and attention.  I fear it will open me up for more hurtful words and suggestions to "just adopt." 

On the flipside,  I would hope to find others who can relate (not that I'd wish this on anyone).  I'd hope to eliminate some of the shame behind saying, "My baby died" and "I'm struggling."  I'd hope that it would show that Doodle mattered.

August 19th was Day of Hope for miscarriage,  stillborn and infant loss.  It was too soon.   October is Awareness Month,  the 9th-15th is Awareness Week and the 15th is Remembrance Day.  I still don't know if I'll post anything then.

What would I say if I did post?  
For those who have asked if we want kids-Yes, we want them so badly it hurts.

For those who have asked if we have kids-Yes, we have an 8 year old named Perry and we also have a baby in heaven.

Yeah that doesn't sound quite right.   

I've found pictures that simply say,  "Breaking the silence. I've got a baby in heaven."  But again,  I don't want to seem like I'm looking for sympathy.  I'm truly not.  I'm just lost on what all of this means in my life, our lives. 

There's no "Miscarriage for Dummies" book.   There are a few blogs that have been recently updated and they all say they're glad they told their secret.  They say it helped them heal and feel that they weren't alone and isolated.

It seems petty to even be debating this.  It's really just the thoughts in my head spewed out. 

Garden Goodies

I love garden vegetables.  I love them even more when I don't have to do the dirty work, but get to eat the goods!

Ever since I was a kid,  I've loved canning.  I'd clean and snap a mess of beans like a pro.   Luckily,  my sister has continued the tradition and I've got to can some this year.

So far we've done pepper mustard and pickles.  Salsa, pepper rings,  green beans and some other concoctions are in our future.  

We've also got some fried zucchini and cucumber salad added to meals too!  And my cousin hooked us up with red potatoes and green beans for dinner this week.  Yum! 

10 Things That You Might Not Know About Me

I love these random high school lists.  They fill in nicely when writer's block hits.

1.  I was the Mountaineer Mall Santa Claus. A friend was the manager and needed help, so I took the job!

2.  I got married while barefoot in a church.  I despise shoes so I just boycotted them.

3. My favorite word is idiosyncrasies.  I learned it from my favorite movie,  Good Will Hunting.

4.  I have had one cast in my life.  I ended up in it because I thought I could walk in heels/wedges.

5. I have all female cousins, until you dig into my extended/half relatives. 

6.  I'm extremely visually impaired.  My prescription is over 11 in each eye and my depth perception stinks!

7.  I hate salami, salmon, bleeding meat and sweet potatoes.

8.  I've never seen The Wizard of Oz,  It's A Wonderful Life, Sleeping Beauty or a lot of other classics.

9.  I'm triple jointed.  I can do tricks with my arms that make people cringe.

10.  I hoard garden flags,  Gold Canyon Candles and Pampered Chef gadgets.  Well hoard is a bit excessive...I have a nice collection ;)

There are some of my dirty little secrets. :)

Crazy 8

Eight days of madness and I'm holding on tight!  Please keep in mind I'm on hormones through this all.....

Friday: Court date to resolve outstanding ex wife issues.  We won and I think our lawyer is worth every penny.  Hearing him tell Keith,  "Man,  did you trade up!  There's just no comparison" was good for my (shallow) ego.

Saturday: Yard work,  play date and errands.

Sunday: Laundry, pool time and ran Perry home.

Monday: Thumb therapy and Girl's night

Tuesday: Dermatology followup (clear!) and knee surgeon appointment (knee is shot but won't replace until I'm older.... fantastic)

Wednesday: Thumb therapy and got bad news about a friend battling colon cancer :(

Thursday: Ultrasound to see if lefty woke up.  And I'm taking a vacation day to spend time with my husband.

Friday: IUI and picnics

I can do this.....And the sweet surprise from hubby helped remind me of that!

The Waiting Room

I've never seen anything like it.  I walk through the glass door tucked in the corner,  climb a flight of stairs and then I walk in.....

Welcome to the fertility clinic waiting room.  No one talks,  no one makes eye contact,  no one smiles.  We all look at the ground and wait our turn.  We whisper at check out.  We hurry through, trying to go unnoticed.  

If it weren't for the sweet receptionist or the small TV that plays the show no one watches,  i doubt there'd be any noise at all. 

It's scary how somber it all is.   Just once I'd love to see a couple leave with a glow or smile.  I'm hoping that they do the "happy appointments" during a different time slot and that they're not just that scarce and rare!  Then again,  maybe seeing yet another pregnant person would just add to the pain.

Anyway,  I'll be back in that waiting room again next week.  Come on lefty,  produce my dream egg and let's do this!! 

And It's Back

WANTED: NEW SKELETON.

I'd prefer one that is 5'10, not knock kneed and small enough to where they'd be forced to do full body lipo to make it fit.

This round of complaining brought to you by the return of my thumb splint and occupational therapy appointments.  My thumb joint is mad again and they can't try injections (baby making precaution) so I'm back to square one.

Apparently you have to lose full use, experience numbness and tingling and have full time level 8+ pain for surgery.  Dropping to the floor in tears when it pops just isn't good enough.

And if I have to hear one more time how this normally happens to 60 year old women,  I'm going to dye my hair gray and start rocking the walker. Thank you yet again AS, your ability to kill my joints fascinates me.