Stuck

I feel like I'm stuck.  I have no idea what to do next.  I don't know if there is a next.

My mind has flipped several times to the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.   I've lived 2 years in denial that we could ever be here.  Anger and jealousy have reared their ugly head more than I'd like to admit.  Bargaining is a constant part of the game..... Just one more try. Please God I'll do anything.  And good ole depression is a no brainer.  Infertility has gotten so many of my tears; second only to losing my Mom.   So when does acceptance come? Or should I say, "does acceptance come?" 

Day 1 no longer means calls to the RE.  There are unused tests under my bathroom sink.   There's the "other bedroom", the lists of baby names, the unworn maternity clothes, and the baby items cocky me bought.  There's so much left unsettled.  There's an emptiness and an elephant in the room that grows bigger all the time.

Yesterday at a conference, an acquaintance asked, "Now you have one or two babies now?"  Ouch.  Does the sting of those conversations ever go away?

To this point, I've felt like we're at least doing something.  Waiting, testing, medicating, monitoring, trying.... Now we're stuck.  I don't even know what cycle day it is (OK that's a lie....) but I sincerely wish I didn't know. 

What now? 

IUI Fail #2

Cruel timing, but today confirmed this last IUI was a bust.   I'll call the doctor tomorrow morning.  Part of me wants to skip this month because of our upcoming vacation, but somehow that makes me feel guilty.   Plus we'll probably be forced to skip the following month because of vacation timing.  Who knows!?   :(

Can't Go Wrong With A Cookie

Well my fortune cookie has the answer to my infertility.  That's a huge relief because so far the rest of us can't seem to figure it all out.

I had another scan and started another round of meds.  Hello Deja Vu. 

I think that's all the sarcastic remarks I have for the night.  Sweet dreams friends!

Every Storm Runs Out of Rain

Thank you, Gary Allan, for the blog title  ;)

I checked my voicemail yesterday and  my doctor left me a voicemail on Friday (I despise voicemail, so I ignore them.)  I didn't have a missed call, so apparently my phone decided I didn't need the news until after the weekend.

Anyway, my blood results are confusing.  That's the gist of the message.   My estradiol is 113, but my FSH and another hormone (he mumbles) are normal.   Either the cyst on my good ovary is causing mischief or I've got a decreased ovarian reserve.  

So then me and Google decided to do our own medical analysis and my results can also signify ovarian cancer or early menopause.  

So, I called the office and talked to the nurse and basically we're back to waiting for Day 1 again.   Then we scan and take blood again.  And until then, I wait and worry and ignore this pain in my side.

And I also get angrier that this bloodwork hasn't been done before.  I feel like we take one step forward and three steps back.   Why can't they just run every test in the book on me?  Poke, prod, scan and test everything and tell me once and for all what we're working with.  

So here I am again reminding myself that eventually this storm will pass.  It might not end with sunshine and rainbows, but it will pass.  (random thought: Why do I associate my infertility with weather so often?.... I'll add that to the list of things to have psycho analyzed lol.)

Sigh.

Red Light

Apparently good blood results weren't all we needed for a green light. *sigh*

I went to see the Doc this morning and his first comment was, "So you decided to take a break?"  UM NO!   You told us we had to take a break until my blood results came back.  I still don't know where the miscommunication happened. 

He asked about my cycles during our "break" and he responded that they're too short.  Um they've been like this since I started seeing him.  (I have an Excel spreadsheet, duh!) So then we went into the room with the probe and he mumbled something about my endometrium reports from when I was 13 (um 19 years ago by the same doc who just accidentally didn't notice my UU while she was in there) and then BAM Oh you've got a big cyst on your left ovary.  Yes my good ovary.   (He proceeded to poke it a few times just for good measure.)

I finally got my clothes back and to the conference room we went.   More blood work, no treatments this month, more waiting.  

So I got poked twice.  Cried in the car.   Stopped for breakfast and cried over my chicken while my poor husband looked at me like he's afraid I'm going to totally melt down.   Poor guy. 

So now we wait for blood results from Boston.  Guess Santa isn't bringing us a baby for Christmas.  

This is what chicken therapy looks like lol

Give Me That 2 Week Wait

Every girl that is trying to have a baby knows the torture of the two week wait (the time between ovulation and pregnancy test).  I've watched those 14 days crawl by and I know how anxious I was.... so imagine that multiplied by 6.  That's right, I'm still trudging through the twelve week wait and I'M LOSING MY MIND!

I've never been so excited for blood work in my life.   I want to get the results and get on with things.  We've got a baby to make!  

I should be halfway this week....I still get reminders of what should have been.  I still get choked up when I see other Mamas who are due in March.

Anyway, we're waiting and waiting some more.  Patience Holly patience.  Sigh.

While We Wait

When I first found out I was pregnant, I was thrilled.  I will admit though that there were two things that I instantly missed:  hot baths and hot dogs.  (Quit judging)

Anyway, since I can't eat hot dogs daily, I've been taking daily hot baths and I'm convinced they're a little bit of heaven on earth, thanks to my latest product discovery from a favorite blog.

I started out with one product and I'm now up to four.  Two ladies on my Christmas list are also getting the products with their gifts.  I can't explain how good these smell!   I honestly want to go buy more, but then I'm crossing into obsessed hoarder status so I'll control myself.  (Now if Target or Ulta have a good coupon, all bets are off.)

So, while we wait, I'll continue to soak and smell these amazing scents and after we finally get our baby, I'll stock up on (more of) their baby line! 

My Bodyguards

During this whole infertility madness, when I get crappy news, I usually turn to my friends, family and spouse for advice and support....

Most offer "I'm sorry", "That sucks" or some other words of wisdom.  It's good to know they care and are still cheering for Team Baby Riggle.

Then there are two other nuts, who shall remain nameless, who offer these responses (I'm paraphrasing) "Do you want me to punch the Jerkface?" and "Want me to kick his 'butt'?".  Lol.  They've obviously figured out that the perfect response to a doctor delaying my impregnation is to offer to put him in a body cast (please note they're both harmless and would never hurt a fly.)

I can't stop giggling!

Proverbs 17:22 - A merry heart doeth good [like] a medicine....

Here We Go Again

It's scan day.   We'll see if lefty did anything this month.  Surprisingly I got an early positive ovulation test too, so the timing is perfect. 

Sitting in the waiting room trying not to hurl.....Someone has their toddler here which is just odd. 

Breathe Holly Breathe!

Balancing Act

I’ve never been good at balancing things.  I’m clumsy so balancing a book on my head is a challenge.  I like carbs way too much so balancing a diet is next to impossible and now this.  Now I am trying to balance optimism vs. guarding my heart.

Optimistic Holly wants to think that eggs and swimmers met and did the happy little fertilization dance and that we will have a positive pregnancy test in two (agonizingly long) weeks.  Cautious Holly won’t think about it.  

I’ve noticed that since Friday, my husband has laid his hand on my stomach more than usual.  I don’t know if it’s a conscious or unconscious thing, but it makes my heart skip beats and then the worry kicks in.  I worry a lot about the effect this will have on Keith.  He’s so optimistic and so excited.  He makes little comments that make me realize that he whole heartedly thinks this worked.  I don’t want to see the sadness in his eyes if it didn’t.  

And then there’s the part I don’t even want to admit to.  I made a formal list of baby names and made Keith weed through them.  I don’t believe in luck or curses, but something about it seemed so scary, like I was cursing this IUI.

I won’t let myself look at baby stuff online.  I steer clear of the cute baby clothes at Target.  I get sick to my stomach when I think about having to walk by this stuff if this fails.  The other side of me wants to order 101 outfits for Baby Batman/Baby Batgirl as he/she has been named.

I’m scared.  I’m hopeful.  I’m terrified.  I’m anxious.  I’m excited.  I’m optimistic.  I’m guarded.  I’m waiting…

It's IUI Time

Well, we have our first IUI with Letrozole under our belts.

I have been taking OPKs all week and was starting to get worried after each negative.  Yesterday afternoon, I got a partial negative, so I took another late last night and got a definite positive.  We headed to our appointment at 8am and they had me repeat the test and got a positive on the surge.

Next up was a scan with Dr. Jerkface who couldn’t even muster up a “hello or good morning.”  He grunted my follicle report to Vicky (love that woman) and I was excited to hear 22 and 16.  We were sent out for about an hour so we grabbed breakfast then went back.  We were led into an exam room and given Keith’s report.  His swimmers got the top rating and were labeled Dean’s List Swimmers lol.   He was basically strutting around like a peacock.

The best surprise of the day was a new lady (missed her name) did our IUI.  She was nice and talkative and made it a nice experience.  I was so glad Dr. Jerkface wasn’t part of it all.  I had to laugh when she said, “you enjoy your quickie of the day?” haha.  We were left to lay for about 10 minutes and of course I forced Keith to take a selfie for the baby book (I’m trying to be optimistic here.)

We finally were sent on our way.  After a fist bump from Vicky, paying the tab, and a mouthed “good luck” from the sweet receptionist, we were done.  I’m spending the day in a recliner working from my laptop.  The next two weeks are going to drag by!!!


We appreciate all love, prayers and well wishes.  Here’s hoping for a BFP followed by great blood work next month =)

Waiting

Patience is not my middle name.  I’m not one for sitting back and waiting for things to happen.  I prefer to obsess, plan, schedule, control and make things happen.  My Daddio repeatedly reminds me that nothing is in my control…that I might as well give up on trying to control everything.  One of my favorite quotes is, “Faith in God includes faith in His timing.”  I hear it and try to understand it, but let’s be honest….I want what I want when I want it.  End tantrum.  Stomps foot.

I want my house to be done.  I want my loan to be closed.  I want my new furniture to sleep on.  I want my new appliances to cook dinners on.  I want to wash my clothes in the same house that I reside.  I’m not sure why this whole processes is taking so long….and each day it gets mildly/majorly more annoying. 

So in my mind, I have to find the good in it all.  Being homeless has allowed me to get to know my Sister in law better.  Brenda is a great person….a lifesaver in my eyes.  She has opened her home and life to us and the cats, and for that I will be forever grateful.  Being homeless has made me appreciate my home….it might have broken me of preferring restaurants over home cooked meals (we’ll see) and it has surely made me want to get in the house and stay in the house!!  Being homeless has given us extra time to get light fixtures, blinds, curtain rods, etc. ordered and shipped here so they are ready to be installed on day one.  The flexibility allowed for some great bargain shopping.  So there, Pollyanna just played The Glad Game. 

I want to grow our family.  Everyone keeps asking when we are going to have babies….good question folks, good question.  Again, when God decides the time is right, I guess we will know.  Until then, we’re a family of three (five including the kitty babies).

I want to advance in my career.  I love the program that I work with, but if it is a dead end path, I need to find a new fit….I don’t like change.  So, I wait.

I want to get some loose ends tied up with paperwork and finances.  Again, if things were in my hands, I would have gotten them fixed 100 Mondays ago, but instead I wait and call a certain person not nice names.

I’m not complaining (yeah, I know I coulda fooled myself), instead I’m just saying maybe I’m being taught to wait.  Maybe I’m being reminded that this is not about what Holly wants when she wants it.   Stomps foot!!  So I wait and accept that I am not suppose to understand all of this….I’ll keep waiting on myself to get better at waiting.  It might take a while.