Cuatro - A Look Back

I had a hunch I was pregnant.  Wasn't late, just a feeling.  Decided to dig out expired old cheap tests.  Forgot about it and walked back in to toss it and saw the faintest color.  I'll let you in on a little secret....infertiles can see lines before 99.9% of the population can see lines.  It's our super power. 

Marched downstairs and thrust it in the husband's face, "Do you see anything?" and looked at him annoyingly.  Those are the magical pregnancy announcements I dreamed of.  1st baby got a gift and a card.  2nd baby got a Starbucks cup that said Daddy.  3rd baby got something cutesie.  This baby.... pee stick and cranky wife in the face.  Magical.

I continued to pee on random (expired) tests all weekend.  Monday morning I was at the clinic begging to be stabbed.  309.7.  Repeat on Wednesday 909.3.  Progesterone suppositories and ultrasound scheduled for 7 weeks.  And I'm left to freak out. 

Told my usual partners in crime.... again, nothing cute and fun.  No videoing... and strict instructions not to be excited.  I told my Dad on the phone.  Yeah, there's one for the baby books.

What's different this time?  I started the aspirin and progesterone earlier.  I'm trying to exercise more and stay hydrated.  And I'm nauseated.  Like green and gaggy.  I'm convinced it's a great sign, but wow it's fun. 

I feel robbed of the fun and excitement.  I'm still so incredibly guarded and realize this probably won't end well.  I'm still hoping and praying Cuatro will be in our arms soon. 

Third Time Is The Charm

Written before our loss:

July 17, 2017
Well it's time for my annual Summer pregnancy.  

2014: Doodle
2015: Nugget
2016: Took a break to have hernia surgery and get my stomach acid issues under control
2017: Round 3

So, after vacation, we found a house to buy.  We've been searching for 4 years and this one just landed in our laps (I'll blog about that later).  So we're dealing with the craziness and stress of having 2 mortgages and getting everything done when a friend joked that this would be the time I'd get pregnant.  I brushed them off because of spotting I'd had that morning and went back to creating my to-do lists.   

A few days later, no period...I take the cheap tests and BFNs....I blame stress and keep on trucking.  One night my loving husband tells me I'm being a psycho crazy woman (this also occurs with aforementioned annual pregnancies) and I thought maybe I should take a real test.  The next morning I drag the expired thing out of the back of the cabinet and suddenly the faintest line ever appears.   I make him analyze it with me, because well let's face it, the cute announcement boat has sailed after 2 losses.  Not meaning that this baby deserves any less, just that I'm more guarded and less hopeful... I'm damaged.  

So the new doctor we're seeing, who insisted on this 6 months of natural attempts, isn't a fertility specialist.  He's a high risk doctor in a family medicine clinic so getting to talk to someone is hard.  They finally get my orders in for blood-work before lunch.   After lunch, my beta was 26 (the lowest on the preggo chart) and my progesterone is way low.  So I'm started on capsules and we repeat on Thursday. 

Obviously the clock has stopped moving but thankfully, moving and mortgage stuff has me crazy occupied.

I sit and stare at the tests and analyze them.  I want one to light up like I'm pregnant with quints ha. 

That Post I've Written 100 Times In My Head

In the past, I've vaguely mentioned a gift that was offered to us.  I've never really elaborated, but to put it quite simply, someone offered us one of the selfless gifts I could imagine.  Someone offered to carry our baby/babies for us. 

In the days before the IVF discussion that brought our dreams crashing down, this one person offered us more hope than we've felt in years. 

This post is for her.

Dear Friend,

How do I ever find the words to acknowledge the gift you offered us?  How do I ever express just how much you touched my heart?

The conversation we had was so much like others we have had in the past.   We joked.  You blushed.  We ate.  We vented.  Then you offered to babysit for us for 9 months.  I don't think it sunk in immediately.  Sometimes, I still don't think it has.  But in that conversation, you offered something that only the kindest hearted person could ever offer. 

The fact that you had done so much homework and research floored me.  The fact that you had considered how each person in your family would be affected is so "you." 

That night, I made a secret Surrogate  board on Pinterest.   I did so much reading.  I sat astounded at the "hugeness" of it all.

The truth is, I can't imagine a bigger honor than having my child grow near a heart as big as yours. If the baby could inherit one ounce of your character, it would be an amazing gain. 

As I sit and write (and cry, of course) I still sit dumbfounded.  What did I ever do to deserve such a gift? 

So even though, we'll likely never be able to explore this path, please don't think I'll ever forget the day you offered to carry my dreams.  Please never doubt that you helped heal my heart and that in the end you really did give me a gift I'll never forget.

As I end this, the words still don't seem to be right, or enough.  This post has sat unpublished for so long, for this reason alone.  I'll likely never find a way to repay you, even the slightest bit, but thank you.   I love you and your family and I'm blessed to call you my friend and my "almost could have been baby mama!"

Love, 
Me

What Hope Looks Like

Throughout the last few years, we've always made decisions based on "if we have a baby."  We picked a house with enough bedrooms.  We picked a new car that would accommodate a car seat easily and the payment wouldn't cut into day care costs.  Those are the big things.

Even in the small things, our hope shines through.  I did a little art project last year and I flipped it over today and got yet another reminder.  Maybe the new year will be the year we complete our tree...the year the other ornament gets a name and moved to the front. 

I'll ask again this year, Dear Santa, please bring us a baby. (Shout out to the Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny, Elf on the Shelf and any other creature that can hook us up too)

A Look Back (#1)

Excited. Scared. Thrilled. Terrified. Hopeful. Worried. Ecstatic. Petrified.

I could go on and on. 

This time is different.  I want to skip and yell and celebrate and throw a party.  But I also want to hide and pretend it's not happening and protect my heart. 

I'm begging God.  I'm praising God.  

I keep thinking of this quote:

It's not fair to this baby. MY second biological child to not celebrate his or her life, because Doodle is in heaven.  

So the doctor's office doesn't open until 8am.  The same time as my physical therapy appointment.  After that I'm blood work bound.   Please let the numbers be great.  

I think I'm taking Keith coffee from Starbucks that says "Daddy of 2" on the cup.  I told him last night that my period was late and he just simply said "Don't get your hopes up honey." He worries. 

Well I'm done crying and rambling for now.  More later.

(Almost) Wordless Wednesday

IUI TAKE 2

Something New

Today is CD10 and I headed to the doc for a simple scan.  I saw Hippie Santa since my doc wasn't available (hospital rounds) and he decided to throw a curve ball our way. 

My endometrium was awesome, my disconnected ovary had a 13 and a 17 and my good ovary had a..... 23!!!  So he decided it was time for me to do a trigger shot, something I've never done before.  The nurse searched all over town for one and finally sent me to fetch it.   Twenty minutes later and it was administered and I was sent back to work. 

Tomorrow morning is our second IUI.... and I couldn't be more excited!   Prayers are welcome especially that my Unicornuate Uterus cooperates!   We'll go for Keith's appointment at 8, grab breakfast together and go for my appointment at 9.  EEK!

And Another

Another failed month is behind us.  Another "you're not the winner."
Another single line on the wasted test.
Another month of biting my lip to keep it all in.
Another month of all the uglies.... the jealousy, bitterness and moodiness. 

But still, somewhere there's that stubborn hope that says next month will be better.  The hope that makes me swallow the meds, schedule to appointments and keep on riding this merry go round. 

Our 2 year mark is coming up.  We received an invitation to a memorial service at the hospital where I had the D&C.   Social media was flooded with adorable kids on Easter.  Those things give ya a good ole shakeup....but Spring is creeping in, the trees are budding and things are turning green so I'm reminded God can take dreary and make it new again..... So it's time for another try....maybe this will be the month.

In A Good Place

Our next IUI is creeping up this week and right now I'm in a good place.

My upped dose of Letrozole is in my system.  I'm eating healthy and drinking plenty of water.  I'm taking all my vitamins.  I've followed H's marching orders.  I'm being open and optimistic that this is our month. 

I've made arrangements to have the procedure and then take it easy for a few days.  The house is clean and the Netflix queue is loaded.  Now let's make a baby.... DO YOU HEAR ME LEFTY AND UTERUS? COOPERATE!

Prayers are always appreciated.  :)

Dazed and Confused

I had my follow up ultrasound today and the new doctor confirmed that I've got a whole lot of nothing going on this month.  I've got some <10 follicles, but those are useless.  

What an update. Sigh.

But in happier news.  I love the new doctor.  He's a hippie Santa Claus and he was consulted on the John and Kate Plus 8 pregnancy so he's technically a big deal lol.   He's from Illinois and he's dealt with uterine weirdos like me before.  GAME ON.

Basically, he wants to do injections.   He says me and my eggs aren't getting any younger and it's time to call in the big dogs.  He sat with me for 30 minutes and talked percentages and drew pictures and gave me everything I've been missing from my original doc. 

I'm not sure what to do next.  The $1,100.00 price tag for each cycle is very concerning.  That's my biggest concern.  I can handle the needles (I hope) but in my mind this is our last hope.  It's scary.  It's overwhelming.

I'm lost and confused.  Luckily or unluckily we have 2 weeks to figure it out.  Truthfully it might come down to eeny meeny miny moe.   Whatever happens, hopefully hippie Santa can bring us a baby!

Happy Mail

So excited to receive the beautiful bracelet I won in a giveaway on Dreaming of Dimples' blog.  Thank you for cohosting this thoughtful giveaway with Fertile Gems.  I'll definitely be ordering more items :)

I love my bracelet and can't wait to wear it during upcoming appointments.  This is also my first gift of baby dust so that was a nice surprise!  Xoxo

(My camera phone doesn't do the bracelet justice.)

Worry

I'm a worrier.  The Bible is full of verses telling us not to worry.  The internet is full of quotes giving us advice on not worrying.  Yet, I worry. 

I truly believe in my heart that everything is in God's hands, but I just can't turn off the worrying.  Huge hypocrite, maybe, but I'm working on it.

What if this is another failed cycle?   What if the new meds make me sick/mean/crazy?   What if I'm pregnant and it ends in another miscarriage?  What if I make it past miscarriage and my Unicornuate Uterus leads to premature labor/still birth? 

The innocence is gone.  I know too much.  I'm worried.   But, buried deep, I know that the answer to all the "What ifs" is we'll make it through.  We'll be devastated and cry.  A. LOT.  I'm worried about feeling that sad again.  I'm worried because I know there is a lower low than we've already been. 

I've got to find some optimism.  I've got to cling to my faith and have hope.  It's so hard. 

Scan and Score

Had my scan this morning and got good news!   All the action is on my left side, my follicle measured at 17.6 on CD10 and my endometrium is 6.9.   Now we wait for a positive OPK and start Progesterone three days after ovulation.

Oh 2015, please be good to us!  

Out With The Old, In With The New

Well 2014, you’ve been a good year and you’ve been a hard year. In no particular order:

1. Celebrated 9 years at Mylan.
2. Riggle family vacation to Emerald Isle
3. MOHs and men vacation to Myrtle Beach
4.  Got diagnosed with Ankylosing Spondylitis (AS).
5.  Had my first IUI - BFN
6. Identified my Unicornuate Uterus and changed fertility treatment route.
7. Had my first BFP and celebrated being pregnant.
8. Missed miscarriage at 7/8 weeks. D&C
9. Traveled to Canada; Erie, PA and Philadelphia, PA for business trips
10. Paid off our student loans wooohoooo
11.  Celebrated our first wedding anniversary.
12. Celebrated Perry's golden birthday (8 on the 8th)
13. Landscaped our yard and our marriage survived it lol
14. Met two awesome ladies through infertility support groups. They both have become great friends and support.
15. The hubby got a new job that he'll start in 2015.
16. Healed and survived everything above

2015 - Resolutions

Get healthy - failed miserably in 2014 so let's try it again.

Get pregnant - get with it lady parts.

Get my car paid off and the PMI off our mortgage - the sooner these are done, the sooner I can beef up the 401K.

We will leave it at 3!   They're biggies!

Happy New Year, Blog Friends!

Here We Go Again

Santa decided to bring me CD1 as an early Christmas gift (boo) so that left me scrambling to get ahold of the doc before they closed early on Christmas Eve.  They decided I could wait until today to get scanned, so bright and early this morning we ventured to his office.

The short version: My cyst is gone, another round of Letrozole and 3 days after a positive OPK, I start Progesterone suppositories.   These are new to me and I'm dreading all the fun I've read about, but I'll do whatever is needed.   I asked about a scan to see which side I'm ovulating on and he said it wasn't necessary, until I reminded him about my Unicornuate Uterus and now I'll be going in for a scan next Friday.   Yet again, he makes me worry that he has no clue which patient is which.   He also skipped blood work this month because of timing so I'm clueless about the estradiol numbers.

Here we go again....

Green Light

My blood results are back....... and my blood passed!!!!  The aspirin helped and the doc will now let us go back to TTC.

WOOHOOOOO. 

I decided to check my online chart on Thanksgiving and there the results were.  LA negative!  I'll take that over turkey any ole day :) 

And then I was freaking out that Day 1 would happen while my doc was closed for the holiday, but that hasn't happened either!  Thank you God for answering our prayers!

*Happy dance*

The Calm After The Storm

It's been almost a month since the day my heart shattered.  The day we found out that the little heart beat of the baby we had hoped, prayed and fought so hard for, was no longer there. 

The days and weeks that followed were the hardest we've faced in our marriage.  I flip flopped through the stages of grief and found myself lost and inconsolable.

Feeling like we'd finally beat infertility and having hope for a successful pregnancy was quickly and painfully taken away.  I thought the storm would never stop.  I thought the tears and tightness in my chest would never stop. 

Today is different.  I'm finally able to think of the next steps.  I no longer refuse the idea of trying again.  I'm anxious for my cycle to start and my 12 week bloodwork to be scheduled so we know what to do next.  I'm still nervous to start over with the drugs,  scans and all the unknowns of fertility treatments, but it's part of our journey. 

This calm doesn't mean I'm over losing our baby.  That will never be the case.  I still look at my calendar and think that we should be announcing our pregnancy this week.  I still think that I'd be graduating from the first trimester.  I still think of my Mom in heaven rocking the little one who we will meet some day.  It still hurts but the storms are calming.

I am still praying that God will give us a healthy baby.  I'm still asking that He will comfort us and help us have the strength and guidance for the road ahead.  I'm praying that the worst of the storms have passed and we'll remember to praise Him in the calm. 

September

I've never been so glad to see a new month.  Somehow a new month means new hope and is one step closer to a new start.  

The end of August doesn't erase the pain, but it's at least the end of one of the worst months of my life.  Today I realized I made it almost all day without tears....that's progress.

As I type,  I still dwell on the what ifs and the things I miss, but I'm trying so hard to be positive.  I keep telling myself it's time to heal. 

I've started reading Secret Sorority and downloaded some other books to see how others have made it through infertility and miscarriage.  I'm determined to come out on the other side with a baby/babies.  I know it's not in my control,  but I can hope and pray and do everything medically/financially possible.

So here's to September.... please be kind!

Lefty

Well I typed this post once and hit discard instead of publish.  So here's the brief version.  Gggrrr

At our scan yesterday,  lefty woke up, but didn't produce 20+ measurements,  so no IUI,  but plenty of timed baby dance instead.  

I'm off of my AS drugs so I'm creeping around like a 90 year old lady.   I'm hoping the 2 weeks of pain is worth it! 

We're off to celebrate the 4th with family, food and pool time.  Oh and I chopped off all my hair.   It was hot and I needed a change :)

The Waiting Room

I've never seen anything like it.  I walk through the glass door tucked in the corner,  climb a flight of stairs and then I walk in.....

Welcome to the fertility clinic waiting room.  No one talks,  no one makes eye contact,  no one smiles.  We all look at the ground and wait our turn.  We whisper at check out.  We hurry through, trying to go unnoticed.  

If it weren't for the sweet receptionist or the small TV that plays the show no one watches,  i doubt there'd be any noise at all. 

It's scary how somber it all is.   Just once I'd love to see a couple leave with a glow or smile.  I'm hoping that they do the "happy appointments" during a different time slot and that they're not just that scarce and rare!  Then again,  maybe seeing yet another pregnant person would just add to the pain.

Anyway,  I'll be back in that waiting room again next week.  Come on lefty,  produce my dream egg and let's do this!!