Riggles and Giggles: September 2015

Tuesday, September 8, 2015

I lost another baby today. We lost another child today. This time it was earlier. This time my body naturally started the process. This time it hurts, but it's a different kind of hurt, but yet still the same.

There is no ultrasound picture this time. Some say it's even too early to be called a miscarriage. But still there is a loss and a new hole in my heart.

I hate my body. I hate the way I feel physically, emotionally and mentally. I hate that I inconvenienced the people who had to sweep in again and pick me up off the floor.

I called this little one Nugget. We fought over names. We browsed nursery fabrics. I bought a chalkboard for monthly pictures. I dared to dream that this time would be different.

Maybe I shouldn't have shopped on Saturday. Maybe I shouldn't have mowed grass on Monday. Maybe I shouldn't have tried yoga poses to increase blood flow. Maybe I rolled on my back too long in my sleep.

I called the doctor's office, but I still have no idea what that nurse said. I remember her confirming that my numbers dropped significantly, but the rest is a blur. I don't know how I drove home. I don't know what I'd do without the crew that swept in to pick up the pieces.

My heart hurts. I want my baby back. I don't know why I'm here again. Why did I put myself through this again?

Friday, September 4, 2015

A Look Back (#1)

Excited. Scared. Thrilled. Terrified. Hopeful. Worried. Ecstatic. Petrified.

I could go on and on.

This time is different. I want to skip and yell and celebrate and throw a party. But I also want to hide and pretend it's not happening and protect my heart.

I'm begging God. I'm praising God.

I keep thinking of this quote:

It's not fair to this baby. MY second biological child to not celebrate his or her life, because Doodle is in heaven.

So the doctor's office doesn't open until 8am. The same time as my physical therapy appointment. After that I'm blood work bound. Please let the numbers be great.

I think I'm taking Keith coffee from Starbucks that says "Daddy of 2" on the cup. I told him last night that my period was late and he just simply said "Don't get your hopes up honey." He worries.

Well I'm done crying and rambling for now. More later.