Gag Me Now - A Look Back

With my other pregnancies, I've only been nauseated once and I didn't know I was pregnant at the time. 

This time, I've prayed for morning sickness, simply because in my mind, it means things are going well.  Warped I know.

Anyway, things that make me gag right now (these change hourly):

-Mornings
-The idea of cooked bell peppers
-The idea of peeled hard boiled eggs
-The woman who changed a dirty diaper on a bench at the mall
-Cooking
-Raw meat
-Anything else with a smell

Pretty exciting stuff!

Anyway, 6 weeks today! Longer than my chemical and my ectopic, getting closer to passing my 1st.  Come on baby!

Cuatro - A Look Back

I had a hunch I was pregnant.  Wasn't late, just a feeling.  Decided to dig out expired old cheap tests.  Forgot about it and walked back in to toss it and saw the faintest color.  I'll let you in on a little secret....infertiles can see lines before 99.9% of the population can see lines.  It's our super power. 

Marched downstairs and thrust it in the husband's face, "Do you see anything?" and looked at him annoyingly.  Those are the magical pregnancy announcements I dreamed of.  1st baby got a gift and a card.  2nd baby got a Starbucks cup that said Daddy.  3rd baby got something cutesie.  This baby.... pee stick and cranky wife in the face.  Magical.

I continued to pee on random (expired) tests all weekend.  Monday morning I was at the clinic begging to be stabbed.  309.7.  Repeat on Wednesday 909.3.  Progesterone suppositories and ultrasound scheduled for 7 weeks.  And I'm left to freak out. 

Told my usual partners in crime.... again, nothing cute and fun.  No videoing... and strict instructions not to be excited.  I told my Dad on the phone.  Yeah, there's one for the baby books.

What's different this time?  I started the aspirin and progesterone earlier.  I'm trying to exercise more and stay hydrated.  And I'm nauseated.  Like green and gaggy.  I'm convinced it's a great sign, but wow it's fun. 

I feel robbed of the fun and excitement.  I'm still so incredibly guarded and realize this probably won't end well.  I'm still hoping and praying Cuatro will be in our arms soon. 

Ellie

My abandoned blog…..I had stopped writing for so long, as it had become a source of stress instead of a place of comfort.   So much has happened during that time. 

We found I was pregnant with our 4^th baby….we guarded our hearts hard, but we kept hitting milestones.  We found out she was a girl.  We named her Eliana JoAnn Riggle “Ellie”.  We celebrated her with family and friends.  We bought her clothes and bows and nursery décor and toys.  We broke my rule….we got excited. 

1 day short of 18 weeks, we found out Ellie had died.  Even as I sit here and type those words, they take my breath away.  This time was different.  This time I had to deliver our baby….I got to hold our baby.  We had to bury our baby.  Losing our first 3 children was hard, and I miss them all, but this one, it broke me.   It devastated us and others who loved her. 

I spend my days trying to avoid my thoughts and trying to fight back tears.  I struggle to find simple words, I feel almost zombie like, and physically, I am just not bouncing back.  My blood tests aren’t great and I had to have heart tests….my thoughts, my heart is literally broken.

Our loved ones have been beyond amazing….I think sometimes bad things happen so you can be reminded of the good stuff.  I have searched for answers and beat myself up over every single thing I could have done differently.  People say it isn’t my fault…..no one else’s body killed her though.  I have that to live with. 

More than anything, I want my baby back.  She should still be alive and safe….I relive those moments in the ultrasound room on constant repeat….I’m still pleading the same thing to God, yet He doesn’t hear. 

We have officially closed the door on being parents.  There will be no miracle for us. 

Third Time Is The Charm

Written before our loss:

July 17, 2017
Well it's time for my annual Summer pregnancy.  

2014: Doodle
2015: Nugget
2016: Took a break to have hernia surgery and get my stomach acid issues under control
2017: Round 3

So, after vacation, we found a house to buy.  We've been searching for 4 years and this one just landed in our laps (I'll blog about that later).  So we're dealing with the craziness and stress of having 2 mortgages and getting everything done when a friend joked that this would be the time I'd get pregnant.  I brushed them off because of spotting I'd had that morning and went back to creating my to-do lists.   

A few days later, no period...I take the cheap tests and BFNs....I blame stress and keep on trucking.  One night my loving husband tells me I'm being a psycho crazy woman (this also occurs with aforementioned annual pregnancies) and I thought maybe I should take a real test.  The next morning I drag the expired thing out of the back of the cabinet and suddenly the faintest line ever appears.   I make him analyze it with me, because well let's face it, the cute announcement boat has sailed after 2 losses.  Not meaning that this baby deserves any less, just that I'm more guarded and less hopeful... I'm damaged.  

So the new doctor we're seeing, who insisted on this 6 months of natural attempts, isn't a fertility specialist.  He's a high risk doctor in a family medicine clinic so getting to talk to someone is hard.  They finally get my orders in for blood-work before lunch.   After lunch, my beta was 26 (the lowest on the preggo chart) and my progesterone is way low.  So I'm started on capsules and we repeat on Thursday. 

Obviously the clock has stopped moving but thankfully, moving and mortgage stuff has me crazy occupied.

I sit and stare at the tests and analyze them.  I want one to light up like I'm pregnant with quints ha. 

Numbers and Dates

Started writing before our loss:

7/20/17

Up bright and early Thursday morning to be the first stabbing at the lab.  Rush home to await results..... drumroll please,  62.  And progesterone has gone up (thanks to meds). 

Wait for hours for the doc to call and crickets.  I finally call them and talk to the nurse.  Met with the same cautious and worried tone as last time.  I ask about baby aspirin and they agree it's a good idea (good cause I started it days ago).  They also want to monitor my thyroid. 

Repeat bloodwork on Monday.  Monday is a big big day. Takes my breath away. 

We're still avoiding the subject.  In the past I would have bought something by now or dug out name books.  Not this time.  I've learned the pain that causes.... I'm teary eyed just thinking of that pain.  Dear God, I beg you to let this time be different. 

7/24/17

185

So very hopeful!!!

7/28/17

ER - ectopic pregnancy.  1 day shy of 6 weeks.

7/31/2017

Methotrexate injections

And We're Here Again

Another loss.  Another heartbreak.  Another baby we'll only hold in heaven. 

Almost a month later and I'm still dealing with this ectopic pregnancy.  Methotrexate, hospitals and that empty, sad feeling. 

I feel like I need to write everything down, yet I don't feel like opening the wounds more.  I'll publish the pieces I started writing during happier times, because this baby deserves to be remembered. 

It just hurts. A lot. 

That Post I've Written 100 Times In My Head

In the past, I've vaguely mentioned a gift that was offered to us.  I've never really elaborated, but to put it quite simply, someone offered us one of the selfless gifts I could imagine.  Someone offered to carry our baby/babies for us. 

In the days before the IVF discussion that brought our dreams crashing down, this one person offered us more hope than we've felt in years. 

This post is for her.

Dear Friend,

How do I ever find the words to acknowledge the gift you offered us?  How do I ever express just how much you touched my heart?

The conversation we had was so much like others we have had in the past.   We joked.  You blushed.  We ate.  We vented.  Then you offered to babysit for us for 9 months.  I don't think it sunk in immediately.  Sometimes, I still don't think it has.  But in that conversation, you offered something that only the kindest hearted person could ever offer. 

The fact that you had done so much homework and research floored me.  The fact that you had considered how each person in your family would be affected is so "you." 

That night, I made a secret Surrogate  board on Pinterest.   I did so much reading.  I sat astounded at the "hugeness" of it all.

The truth is, I can't imagine a bigger honor than having my child grow near a heart as big as yours. If the baby could inherit one ounce of your character, it would be an amazing gain. 

As I sit and write (and cry, of course) I still sit dumbfounded.  What did I ever do to deserve such a gift? 

So even though, we'll likely never be able to explore this path, please don't think I'll ever forget the day you offered to carry my dreams.  Please never doubt that you helped heal my heart and that in the end you really did give me a gift I'll never forget.

As I end this, the words still don't seem to be right, or enough.  This post has sat unpublished for so long, for this reason alone.  I'll likely never find a way to repay you, even the slightest bit, but thank you.   I love you and your family and I'm blessed to call you my friend and my "almost could have been baby mama!"

Love, 
Me

A Look Back (#2)

Random pictures from second pregnancy

Loss #2

I lost another baby today.  We lost another child today.  This time it was earlier.  This time my body naturally started the process.  This time it hurts, but it's a different kind of hurt, but yet still the same. 

There is no ultrasound picture this time.  Some say it's even too early to be called a miscarriage.  But still there is a loss and a new hole in my heart. 

I hate my body.  I hate the way I feel physically, emotionally and mentally.  I hate that I inconvenienced the people who had to sweep in again and pick me up off the floor. 

I called this little one Nugget.  We fought over names.  We browsed nursery fabrics.  I bought a chalkboard for monthly pictures.  I dared to dream that this time would be different. 

Maybe I shouldn't have shopped on Saturday.  Maybe I shouldn't have mowed grass on Monday.  Maybe I shouldn't have tried yoga poses to increase blood flow.  Maybe I rolled on my back too long in my sleep. 

I called the doctor's office, but I still have no idea what that nurse said.  I remember her confirming that my numbers dropped significantly, but the rest is a blur.  I don't know how I drove home.  I don't know what I'd do without the crew that swept in to pick up the pieces. 

My heart hurts.  I want my baby back.  I don't know why I'm here again. Why did I put myself through this again? 

A Look Back (#1)

Excited. Scared. Thrilled. Terrified. Hopeful. Worried. Ecstatic. Petrified.

I could go on and on. 

This time is different.  I want to skip and yell and celebrate and throw a party.  But I also want to hide and pretend it's not happening and protect my heart. 

I'm begging God.  I'm praising God.  

I keep thinking of this quote:

It's not fair to this baby. MY second biological child to not celebrate his or her life, because Doodle is in heaven.  

So the doctor's office doesn't open until 8am.  The same time as my physical therapy appointment.  After that I'm blood work bound.   Please let the numbers be great.  

I think I'm taking Keith coffee from Starbucks that says "Daddy of 2" on the cup.  I told him last night that my period was late and he just simply said "Don't get your hopes up honey." He worries. 

Well I'm done crying and rambling for now.  More later.

Earth Has No Sorrow That Heaven Can't Heal

Come out of sadness
From wherever you’ve been
Come broken hearted
Let rescue begin
Come find your mercy
Oh sinner come kneel
Earth has no sorrow
That heaven can’t heal
Earth has no sorrow
That heaven can’t heal
-Crowder

I've been singing/humming this song all day.  I need reminded that one day all the tears and pain will be gone.  My Mom and our Doodle are in heaven; one day I'll see them again.

Today has been bittersweet.  The people who mean the world to me, put me together a book of letters.  Each one reflected so much about them individually and each one helped heal my heart.  How blessed am I to have these people in my life. 

March 29th will always be a day that's etched in my mind and heart.  Happy Due Date Doodle.  Mommy will always love you. 

To Post or Not To Post

I've decided to post my secret pregnancy updates.   Our baby filled us with so much happiness for 7 weeks, I feel like I'd be hiding part of my life by deleting them.  Some aren't finished and never will be. 

Mommy misses you Doodle.

So Much Fun (Look Back #7)

I'm having a blast telling people.   It is so much more fun than I ever imagined (or at least would let myself imagine.)

Finding gifts that say Aunt, Grandpa, etc has been a wild goose chase (JcPenney). 
Heidi and Randy got a baby farm animal book and an Aunt picture frame.  Heidi got so excited she hurled (she choked herself screaming.)  Dad and Lisa got bibs and a onesie and completely missed the purpose behind them which was hilarious.   April screamed so loud over her Auntie bib that I think my right ear drum is ruptured.  And Jenni and Jan melted my heart with their tears and excitement over the ultrasound pictures in their take out container (we took dinner to their hotel.)

I've got Perry's shirt ordered to tell Keith's family.  I'm still trying to find a way to tell the rest of my grandparents,  my girlfriends and my Mama Tammy.   And then it will become Facebook official. 

Last night we took a quick trip to Urgent Care because the stubborn husband finally listened to me and got his bronchitis diagnosis.   Even the nurse there squealed with me when I asked if I need to take any precautions due to prego state.  

I'm loving this.   I can't wait to tell more people!  

I Must Be Dreaming (Look Back #6)

I keep pinching myself.   I keep going through the motions and feel like it's a dream. 

Our first ultrasound was today.  We sat in the waiting room FOREVER.   We finally got pulled into the room I've come to dread and the scan began.   Dr T talked to the screen (giving notes to nurse) and I held my breath.   I've come to love that man, but I could kissed the PA when she finally said,  "Dr you've got to tell her something!"  He cackled and started explain everything.  Basically,  it's in my uterus, there's a heartbeat and baby is growing on schedule.  Thank you,  Jesus!

I had a few tears, but honestly I was too overwhelmed to say much.  Keith and I had a few minutes to celebrate,  chatted with the doc a bit more,  squealed with the staff and then left.   I tried to keep my game face on in the lobby.....I would never want to hurt any other patients.  

Outside in the car though,  I was squealing and trying to make arrangements to tell a few more people.   Tonight we spill a few beans.  

March 29th, you can't come soon enough.  I'm one excited Mama!  

And here's MY baby's first....picture.  I think she has my eyes ;)  She's a whopping .4cm long so I think she got her daddy's height!

Keeping Secrets (Look Back #5)

I'm losing my mind.  I hate secrets.  I hate keeping surprises quiet.  I want to tell the world.   I've promised myself that on Monday I can tell a few people! 

After the ultrasound,  when we see a heartbeat,  I can tell 5 people.   My MOH who is going to be livid with me for not telling her sooner, my Dad and Lisa and Keith's Mom and Dad.  

I think from there,  we'll wait a few more weeks to spill the beans.   In my mind,  our real risk is later in the pregnancy so there's no real "safe" time.   I choose to believe that God is taking care of Doodle and pray that everything goes perfectly.  

Monday,  I'm ordering Perry's announcement shirt!  He's going to tell the world for us :)   So stinking excited. 

No one has figured me out yet as far as avoiding foods,  caffeine,  etc. so hopefully that continues.  

Change Change Change (Look Back #4)

Pregnancy is no joke.  I feel like my body has been taken over.   I'm not complaining,  but simply want to remember everything so blogging accomplishes that.  Here's the TMI blog of the week.

Week 5
-The girls hurt.....I notice it more at night and when the kittens pounce on them.
-Bloating and gas....I feel like a very classy sea cow.
-Sleeplessness and peeing constantly through the night.  I splurged on the Boppy body pillow and I'm in love already.
-Nauseous and super sensitive to smells.  I've almost lost my cookies several times.
-Sleepy!  Yawn yawn yawn. 
-Itchiness and break outs.  My skin isn't exactly glowing right now lol.
-Dry eyes.  Like considering wearing my glasses in public dry.
-Temperature fluctuations: hot cold.  Roasting shivering.  Sweating goose bumps.

Sweetness (Look back #3)

I came home yesterday to flowers,  a card and a bracelet from my Baby Daddy.  He's so sweet.  And he cooked and served me dinner.  

Of course,  later in the evening he asked if I'd be whining the entire 9 months, so that voided all the sweetness above.  (I was tempted to put his boobs in a vice grip so he'd understand the complaints a bit more.)

Sinking In (Look Back #2)

It's slowly oh so slowly sinking in.  Some times I want to assume fetal position and other times I can't quit smiling.  

I'm obsessed with Etsy, Pinterest and reading everything I can find.  

I had so much fun telling Keith.  I wrapped up the baby booties and wrote out his card and made him come upstairs.  His reaction and face were priceless.  It was everything I've dreamed of.

We ran errands and I convinced him I had to tell one person.  So off to Heidi and Randy's house we went.  We had a farm baby book and an Aunt picture frame in tow.   Heidi screamed loud enough to wake the county and we of course had to work on naming the kid lol.  

We finally got home late that night and I tossed and turned most of the night.  Being a Mommy-to-be is hard work lol.

A Dream Come True (Look Back #1)

July 23, 2014

How do you document the day you never saw coming?   The day you've only dreamed about.

I woke up on Wednesday morning and decided to take another pregnancy test.  My period was still MIA, but I had been long overdue before on the meds.   I did the test and laid it aside.  I finally picked it up and holy cow there was a shadow.  I kept staring and the shadow looked more like a line.  I think I quit breathing.

I continued getting ready and freaking out.  I didn't know it was possible for so many thoughts to run through my head.  I finally thought to call the doc, but they didn't open for another hour.

So, off to work I went.  I immediately called the doc and they squealed with me and told me to come right in.   20 minutes later,  I was happily getting stabbed.  I squealed some more with the ladies at the office and headed to Starbucks to get my last coffee (just incase.)

I stalked my phone for almost two hours when it finally rang.  My sweet nurse Vicki said, "Well, you're definitely pregnant.  Your level is 1,316 so you're good and pregnant.  We don't even need to repeat your bloodwork." 

Next up was the call back to schedule my ultrasound.  August 4th.... You can't come soon enough.  And thank you kind receptionist (Misty, I think) for squealing with me yet again.

Now I've had to sit at work all day.  I'm dying to scream "I'm Pregnant" at the top of my lungs.  I've picked up the phone 101 times.  I can't explain the emotions.

I've read tons of websites, browsed big brother shirts and pregnancy announcements, and about lost my mind.  I am dying to tell Keith.  I've never been so excited about something.

I'm.  Pregnant.    ME.   It's not someone else this time it's us.   I'm a Mommy.

Oh sweet doodlebug.... Please be healthy and here to stay.   Your Mama loves you more than words can explain. 

Please note: Yes,  pee sticks,  awful selfies and bloodwork site pics are tacky,  but I can't help it......I refuse to miss any part of documenting this day!