Ellie

My abandoned blog…..I had stopped writing for so long, as it had become a source of stress instead of a place of comfort.   So much has happened during that time. 

We found I was pregnant with our 4^th baby….we guarded our hearts hard, but we kept hitting milestones.  We found out she was a girl.  We named her Eliana JoAnn Riggle “Ellie”.  We celebrated her with family and friends.  We bought her clothes and bows and nursery décor and toys.  We broke my rule….we got excited. 

1 day short of 18 weeks, we found out Ellie had died.  Even as I sit here and type those words, they take my breath away.  This time was different.  This time I had to deliver our baby….I got to hold our baby.  We had to bury our baby.  Losing our first 3 children was hard, and I miss them all, but this one, it broke me.   It devastated us and others who loved her. 

I spend my days trying to avoid my thoughts and trying to fight back tears.  I struggle to find simple words, I feel almost zombie like, and physically, I am just not bouncing back.  My blood tests aren’t great and I had to have heart tests….my thoughts, my heart is literally broken.

Our loved ones have been beyond amazing….I think sometimes bad things happen so you can be reminded of the good stuff.  I have searched for answers and beat myself up over every single thing I could have done differently.  People say it isn’t my fault…..no one else’s body killed her though.  I have that to live with. 

More than anything, I want my baby back.  She should still be alive and safe….I relive those moments in the ultrasound room on constant repeat….I’m still pleading the same thing to God, yet He doesn’t hear. 

We have officially closed the door on being parents.  There will be no miracle for us. 

Numbers and Dates

Started writing before our loss:

7/20/17

Up bright and early Thursday morning to be the first stabbing at the lab.  Rush home to await results..... drumroll please,  62.  And progesterone has gone up (thanks to meds). 

Wait for hours for the doc to call and crickets.  I finally call them and talk to the nurse.  Met with the same cautious and worried tone as last time.  I ask about baby aspirin and they agree it's a good idea (good cause I started it days ago).  They also want to monitor my thyroid. 

Repeat bloodwork on Monday.  Monday is a big big day. Takes my breath away. 

We're still avoiding the subject.  In the past I would have bought something by now or dug out name books.  Not this time.  I've learned the pain that causes.... I'm teary eyed just thinking of that pain.  Dear God, I beg you to let this time be different. 

7/24/17

185

So very hopeful!!!

7/28/17

ER - ectopic pregnancy.  1 day shy of 6 weeks.

7/31/2017

Methotrexate injections

And We're Here Again

Another loss.  Another heartbreak.  Another baby we'll only hold in heaven. 

Almost a month later and I'm still dealing with this ectopic pregnancy.  Methotrexate, hospitals and that empty, sad feeling. 

I feel like I need to write everything down, yet I don't feel like opening the wounds more.  I'll publish the pieces I started writing during happier times, because this baby deserves to be remembered. 

It just hurts. A lot. 

Dear Baby Who Should Be In My Arms Today

Dear Nugget,

Today should be filled with booties, camera flashes, oohs and aahs, and more importantly you should be in our arms.  Instead it's filled with tears and hurt, as it's now another date that reminds us that we'll never hold our sweet babies until heaven. 

You were in and out of our lives very quickly, but in those few weeks, I was your Mommy.  I started loving you and building hopes and dreams for you.  My precious baby, it breaks my heart that you're not here with us. 

As we've worked to accept our childless life on this side of heaven, there are days when the sadness is overwhelming.  Slowly though, we're healing. 

You're getting a cousin this year.  I will always wish that you and Doodle were here to be big cousins to Logan.  Seeing him grow through ultrasounds and hear his heartbeat at appointments is the most amazing thing; how I long that your stories had been ones of such happiness and joy.

As you spend your due date in heaven, I pray your Grandma is holding you tight.  I love you my sweet second baby.  I'll hold you in my heart always.

Love
Mommy

Wordless

I've struggled to write lately.  Partially because of a stressful project at work.  Partially because I don't know what to think, feel or write.  Partially because avoiding my thoughts is therapeutic (I lie to myself).

I can't sleep lately.  4 hours is the name of the game some nights.  If my brain had an off switch, I'd be one happy girl. 

I'm added to Keith's insurance for 2016. I have had some other amazing opportunities that have been huge blessings arise (more on that later).  My cousin recently had a successful transfer and is happily pregnant on her hail mary embryo.  Yet I'm scared....Petrified really.

I'm waiting for one single day where this is easy.  I need one single day when my brain and my heart and my life and our finances and my everything just get their act together. 

I'm still waiting for it to happen "naturally" (hate that word) again.  I'm still convinced it will end in loss. I'm still contemplating kidnapping or running away from home or adopting or more furry kids instead of human.  I'm still telling myself to give up and move on. 

Alright maybe I don't lack words at all....just answers. I lack answers.

Dear OBGYN

Dear OBGYN,

I understand what your business is all about.  I get it.  But is it too much to ask that you soundproof the walls? 

I got greeted by the family of 6 soon to be 7 in your waiting room.  I faked a smile.  4 more pregos walked through.  Eager for ultrasounds, scheduling again in 2 weeks, eager to hear all about their babies.  I kept my head down.  But to walk to the bathroom and hear the sound of someone else's baby's heartbeat is just more than this girl can handle.

My first child once had a heart beat.  My second child may or may not have had one.  I'm so glad they're not suffering through what we did, but please don't expose me to something I want so badly.

You need to be set up like restaurants back in the day.  Instead of smoking and nonsmoking can you do fertile and infertile?  I don't wanna kill my lungs or break my heart....nonsmoking infertile section please! 

Sincerely,
Jealous of the Fertiles

A Look Back (#2)

Random pictures from second pregnancy

Loss #2

I lost another baby today.  We lost another child today.  This time it was earlier.  This time my body naturally started the process.  This time it hurts, but it's a different kind of hurt, but yet still the same. 

There is no ultrasound picture this time.  Some say it's even too early to be called a miscarriage.  But still there is a loss and a new hole in my heart. 

I hate my body.  I hate the way I feel physically, emotionally and mentally.  I hate that I inconvenienced the people who had to sweep in again and pick me up off the floor. 

I called this little one Nugget.  We fought over names.  We browsed nursery fabrics.  I bought a chalkboard for monthly pictures.  I dared to dream that this time would be different. 

Maybe I shouldn't have shopped on Saturday.  Maybe I shouldn't have mowed grass on Monday.  Maybe I shouldn't have tried yoga poses to increase blood flow.  Maybe I rolled on my back too long in my sleep. 

I called the doctor's office, but I still have no idea what that nurse said.  I remember her confirming that my numbers dropped significantly, but the rest is a blur.  I don't know how I drove home.  I don't know what I'd do without the crew that swept in to pick up the pieces. 

My heart hurts.  I want my baby back.  I don't know why I'm here again. Why did I put myself through this again? 

A Look Back (#1)

Excited. Scared. Thrilled. Terrified. Hopeful. Worried. Ecstatic. Petrified.

I could go on and on. 

This time is different.  I want to skip and yell and celebrate and throw a party.  But I also want to hide and pretend it's not happening and protect my heart. 

I'm begging God.  I'm praising God.  

I keep thinking of this quote:

It's not fair to this baby. MY second biological child to not celebrate his or her life, because Doodle is in heaven.  

So the doctor's office doesn't open until 8am.  The same time as my physical therapy appointment.  After that I'm blood work bound.   Please let the numbers be great.  

I think I'm taking Keith coffee from Starbucks that says "Daddy of 2" on the cup.  I told him last night that my period was late and he just simply said "Don't get your hopes up honey." He worries. 

Well I'm done crying and rambling for now.  More later.

My Least Favorite Day of the Year

When your Mom and Baby are in heaven, Mother's Day isn't exactly a day that you're super excited for.   I've done my best to keep busy and celebrate the wonderful women I do have in my life, but then I made the mistake of checking the mail. 

Don't get me wrong, the thought behind this is wonderful and thoughtful, but delivering the invitation on Mother's Day weekend was more than I was prepared for.   We'll be at the beach for the event; otherwise, we might consider going. 

As usual, there's no real point of this post.   Just a feelings dump more than anything else.   Maybe Mother's Day next year will be a little happier. 

Earth Has No Sorrow That Heaven Can't Heal

Come out of sadness
From wherever you’ve been
Come broken hearted
Let rescue begin
Come find your mercy
Oh sinner come kneel
Earth has no sorrow
That heaven can’t heal
Earth has no sorrow
That heaven can’t heal
-Crowder

I've been singing/humming this song all day.  I need reminded that one day all the tears and pain will be gone.  My Mom and our Doodle are in heaven; one day I'll see them again.

Today has been bittersweet.  The people who mean the world to me, put me together a book of letters.  Each one reflected so much about them individually and each one helped heal my heart.  How blessed am I to have these people in my life. 

March 29th will always be a day that's etched in my mind and heart.  Happy Due Date Doodle.  Mommy will always love you. 

Here We Go Again

Tomorrow morning starts a new cycle with the doc.  I'm hoping and praying to be cyst free and that he'll agree to do the mega dose of Letrozole again with potential for IUI. 

I've been shoving thoughts of "we should have a newborn right now" aside and trying to hold myself together.  I'm still on the healthy wagon, I'm taking my vitamins and aspirin and doing my castor oil packs.   Come on baby making equipment, I'd like the Easter Bunny to bring me a BFP. 

Tell Me Lies, Tell Me Unsweet Little Lies

Dear Glamour Magazine,

I normally love your Glamour Lists, but this time you missed the mark.   Please don't assume that we all can grow a human and choose the whether and when.   Please don't downplay the hell that is infertility.   Please don't make me feel like any more of a failure than I already do.  

Sincerely,
Mrs I Can't Grow A Human

Worry

I'm a worrier.  The Bible is full of verses telling us not to worry.  The internet is full of quotes giving us advice on not worrying.  Yet, I worry. 

I truly believe in my heart that everything is in God's hands, but I just can't turn off the worrying.  Huge hypocrite, maybe, but I'm working on it.

What if this is another failed cycle?   What if the new meds make me sick/mean/crazy?   What if I'm pregnant and it ends in another miscarriage?  What if I make it past miscarriage and my Unicornuate Uterus leads to premature labor/still birth? 

The innocence is gone.  I know too much.  I'm worried.   But, buried deep, I know that the answer to all the "What ifs" is we'll make it through.  We'll be devastated and cry.  A. LOT.  I'm worried about feeling that sad again.  I'm worried because I know there is a lower low than we've already been. 

I've got to find some optimism.  I've got to cling to my faith and have hope.  It's so hard. 

Small Victories

Today I'm celebrating small victories.

  I woke up this morning and "read the news" aka scanned Facebook.  A guy I've known since kindergarten posted the announcement about his girlfriend expecting their son.  My first response was, "Crap, another assault before I've even had my coffee." But today, instead of crying, I tried some advice I was recently given.  I told myself their pregnancy is not about me.   I kept forcing myself to be rational instead of irrational and finally brought myself to tell them Congratulations.  And honestly, I am happy for them.  They deserve happiness, and on this journey, I've selfishly lost sight of that.  I still feel every announcement will hurt, but I'm trying....As the wise Dory says,  "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming!"

Later in the day, I was minding my own business in Target when I ran into a girl I used to babysit and her mom.  Her newborn daughter was in the cart and they stopped to chat.  Not even 60 seconds in and the mother asks, "No little ones on the way for you yet?  What are you waiting for?"  And again, I bit my lip and changed the subject.  I refused to cry or assault her!

I also told another friend about my miscarriage.  And contacted another cousin who I recently learned has been going through unexplained infertility and IVF.  

Tomorrow, something could knock me off my feet and have me sobbing, but for today, I'm patting myself on the back. 

Hearts

It takes all kinds of people to make the world go round.  I've met such a variety of people in my life that I could spend hours going on and on about the differences.  To me though, there's always been one type that stands out....those with huge hearts. 

I always considered my Mom one of these people.  She was quick to love, quick to cry and quick to nurture.  She put others before herself so selflessly.  She loved unconditionally. 

As I've grown older,  I've realized that I'm drawn to these people.  They're my best friends and my spouse.  They're the family members I'm closest to.  I have always realized it, but today it hit me like a ton of bricks.  

Last night, I made the mistake of watching our announcement reaction videos on my phone.  I have the ones of Keith, Heidi and April finding out.  I cried in private and tried to cheer up, but I was just having a rough few days.

Today, I got a package in the mail.   My dear friends Jenni and Jan had me a bracelet made to honor our baby.  I broke down crying in my driveway.  I'll never be able to explain what it means to me.  They  had tears of joy when I told them I was pregnant, and they've grieved and cared for me since the loss.  From miles away, their big hearts have comforted me.

My best friend, April, is another one.  She's there day or night, no questions asked, no complaints.  She's just there (often with therapy cheesefries) to love and cry with you.  She's been by my side at hospitals, funeral homes, and pretty much everywhere else in this state.  She knows me better than I know myself sometimes.

There are so many others: My friends Julie and Beth.  We laugh and cry together and take care of each other. My sister Heidi. She's a little Debbie Jr.  She'll hug me and hold me up anytime I need her.  My husband.  God knows his heart is huge or he would have run away from me forever ago.  And there are so many more.  I could go on for hours.

Yesterday when I wrote about M and how helpful she was, after I hit publish, I thought, my goodness I hope that didn't downplay the love and support of others.  Those who've never been down this path, may not know exactly what it feels like, but they've cried with me, loved me and never left my side.  They're priceless in my eyes.  I'd still be bawling on the bathroom floor without my big hearted supporters.  So if I don't say it enough.... Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.....I'd be lost without you and I love you guys. 

They Walk Among Us

I had an interesting lunch today with my boss, who knows about the fertility treatments and miscarriage.   She causally mentioned in conversation that my coworker (we'll call her M) recently admitted that she's been going through fertility treatments. 

From that comment forward, I was focusing on how to approach M.  I obviously didn't want to make her uncomfortable, but I NEEDED to talk to her.  So after lunch, I tapped on her door and blurted out, "So I hear you're on the roller coaster too." (My boss had given her the heads up about me)

So we sat, and we compared stories, we complained about our doctor and we both came to the same realization - there's nothing like talking to someone who truly gets it.   Our stories aren't identical, our treatment plans are unique, but we both know the hurt, pain and disappointment.  We both long to be Moms and we both hate that it's out of our control.  

I know infertility affects tons of women.  I know I'm just another statistic.  But today, I didn't feel quite so alone or like such a failure.  I would never wish this struggle on anyone, but as long as we've got to face it, it at least helps to have others who can not only sympathize, but also empathize.  I only hope I helped M, as much as she helped me.

Beach Life

We're loving beach life and our "adults only" trip to Myrtle Beach.   I deep down hope it's the last childless trip we ever take (my step kiddo is back in school or he'd be here with us now). 

The first day here was rainy and dreary so it gave me too much time to focus on the should have beens: I should be avoiding the hot tub because I'm pregnant.  I should be able to buy the cute baby stuff in the gift shops.  I should be relieved that the whole world finally knows we're expecting.

But after that day, I've tried so hard to focus on the positives.  We've laughed, swam, spatted, ate and sunbathed our way through the week.   The weather has been great and we had a fun date night (dinner and a show) last night. 

The pool is calling my name so I'm off to work on my tan (with sunscreen, Jenni).  :)

Love Languages

One of the best books I've ever read is The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman.   It gave me a whole new understanding on love and relationships.   Before reading it, I never realized that how I show love might not be the way others feel love.  

The 5 basic love languages:
Gifts
Quality time
Words of affirmation
Acts of service
Physical touch

I once heard a sermon on this topic and the pastor told us about his wife spending hours in the kitchen making elaborate meals and desserts, but he felt unloved and neglected because all he really wanted was her time and attention. 

Normally, I'm a gifts and acts of service kinda girl.  Please don't think I'm materialistic....I just love flowers, sweet notes or little things where it shows the person went out of their way to find something special for me.  As for acts of service, having a clean house, tidy yard or folded laundry makes me calm and open to love.   It makes me feel like we have a good relationship and take value in the life we've built together. 

After we lost the baby, the gifts were nice, but all I really wanted and needed was physical touch and words of affirmation.  I wanted to be held and hugged and told I was loved and supported.  The times I cried the most were when I was alone with my own thoughts.   Luckily I have a few friends who really loved me the right way.   Other people disappointed me.   I recently mentioned this to a relative and his response was, "People just don't know what to say.... It's a hard topic to talk about."  Well news flash: It's even harder to live through it without love and support. 

I definitely think times of heartbreak can really alter your love language.

I'm also guilty of forgetting to stop and focus on loving my husband and helping heal his hurt during all of this.  I feel like I failed him.  In general, I need to spend more time understanding his love language.  I'd guess it would be words of affirmation and gifts, but I could be way off.  I guess we've got a conversation starter for our road trip!   

I ramble off all of this to say, stop and evaluate the people in your life..... Make sure you're loving them "the right way."  

The Calm After The Storm

It's been almost a month since the day my heart shattered.  The day we found out that the little heart beat of the baby we had hoped, prayed and fought so hard for, was no longer there. 

The days and weeks that followed were the hardest we've faced in our marriage.  I flip flopped through the stages of grief and found myself lost and inconsolable.

Feeling like we'd finally beat infertility and having hope for a successful pregnancy was quickly and painfully taken away.  I thought the storm would never stop.  I thought the tears and tightness in my chest would never stop. 

Today is different.  I'm finally able to think of the next steps.  I no longer refuse the idea of trying again.  I'm anxious for my cycle to start and my 12 week bloodwork to be scheduled so we know what to do next.  I'm still nervous to start over with the drugs,  scans and all the unknowns of fertility treatments, but it's part of our journey. 

This calm doesn't mean I'm over losing our baby.  That will never be the case.  I still look at my calendar and think that we should be announcing our pregnancy this week.  I still think that I'd be graduating from the first trimester.  I still think of my Mom in heaven rocking the little one who we will meet some day.  It still hurts but the storms are calming.

I am still praying that God will give us a healthy baby.  I'm still asking that He will comfort us and help us have the strength and guidance for the road ahead.  I'm praying that the worst of the storms have passed and we'll remember to praise Him in the calm.