I Sit and Wonder

My mind wanders a lot these days.  Today I was texting with one of the greatest people I know and my mind was off on a whole new tangent.

She's infertile.  A cancer scare robbed her of her "parts" well before 35.  She is the most amazing aunt in the world to her niece and nephew.  She never misses an event, she takes them out all the time and celebrates every milestone with them.  She loves them so well.

Then there's my adopted family member.  She's had miscarriages and she's infertile.  She scooped in and saved Heidi and I after Mom died.  She makes you feel like the most spoiled and loved people in the world.  She loves us so well.

Then there's my previous coworker.  She's infertile.  Her sister committed suicide and she's stepped in to love her niece and nephew and help show them what real love is.  She loves them well.

So my mind wanders to the questions, does infertility change you and make you value children that much more? Or does God decide to make you infertile so you're available to love those who need loved? 

Right now, I avoid kids.  Last night I got ambushed at a dinner party where there were 5, yes FIVE kids under 3 years old.  For some crazy reason I volunteered to hold a newborn so her mom could eat.  I won't ever pretend that I didn't contemplate making a stab at kidnapping. 

I'll never understand God's ways....but it definitely gives me something to think about.  I just pray that if the time comes, I can love like these three amazing women have.

Vacation, All I Ever Wanted.....

We ventured on another memorable family vacation last week to the Outer Banks in North Carolina.  The trip was amazing from start to finish. 

Sunday: Arrived, unpacked, grocery store and take out High Cotton BBQ for dinner.

Monday: Duck Donuts!  Pool time!  Sun, relaxing, reading and my dear friend, Chirleen and family came down to say hello and join us for dinner at Rundown Cafe.  They brought us an awesome goodie basket!  It was SO cool to finally get to hug her and squeeze her!!

Tuesday: BEACH.   Pool, outlet shopping, Black Pelican for dinner.

Wednesday: Pool, dinner cooking and more pool.  Chris dropped off some fresh Mahi for dinner YUM!

Thursday: Said goodbye to Bob,  beach, pool, and date night with my husband.  Hello crab-legs.

Friday: Pool, more shopping and Barefoot Bernies for lunch.  Cooked some picnic food for the arrival of Scott and Jenn.

Saturday: Maybe another Duck Donut run happened.   Pool!  Chirleen, Chris and Gabby rejoined us for the day.  We did another pasta night and enjoyed the awesome company.

Sunday: Packed up and drove home in nasty traffic.  Hated saying goodbye to everyone :(

When We Said I Do

2 years ago (on May 4) we said I do.   It's still one of my favorite days of my life.  There's no doubt in my mind that God made him just for me. 

It's hard to believe that 2 years have passed....I can't wait to spend forever with him. 

My plan is to return to the location of my favorite wedding photo each year to snap a picture.  Here's what we have so far.  Please note our photographers are usually my kiddo or my sister lol.

Your Valentine Awaits

Everyone has that one friend who you hope and pray will find the perfect guy.  The girl who deserves nothing but happiness and love.

For me, that friend is Beth. 

I don't know where to start! 

-Her heart: This girl's heart is bigger than anyone I know.  She's there anytime I need her.  She's sat in the hospital with me, been my co-pilot when driving a moving truck and stood beside me as I married my husband.  Her selflessness is unmatched by anyone I've met.

-Her laugh: It's contagious and warms your heart.

-Her ambition: This single Mom has raised a son, held a full time job for a major corporation, does hair on the side and got a college degree simultaneously.

-Her cooking: This deserves its own category.  She can cook!  

And there's so much more: She's beautiful, sweet, compassionate, loyal, fun and just an all around great girl.  I feel like my words can't do her justice.

The guy that snatches this one up, will be the luckiest man on this earth.

If you'd like to know more about Beth, please email me at hollybirdio13@gmail.com and I'll pass your info along.   A big thanks to Kelly's Korner for hosting this awesome Singles Day :)

When Your Mom Goes to Heaven

My friend's Mom died yesterday.  Just typing those words makes me tear up.   I know the heart ache and I know the pain.  Sometimes I wish someone had warned me what to expect and told me how to make it through.   Sometimes I'm thankful they didn't.  

If I could tell her anything, it might go something like this.

Dear friend,

Welcome to the club that you never wanted to join.  The club that you don't truly understand until you're one of us and the club you wouldn't invite even your worst enemy to join.

Here we know a pain so deep it squeezes your heart and takes your breath.  You will question multiple times if it might kill you, it won't.   You will cry and wonder if there is ever going to be an end to the tears, there will.

Here we feel like we're on the world's fastest and longest roller coaster of emotions that will never end, but it does slow down.   You'll want to scream at the top of your lungs, "Don't you know my Mom is dead?" and hate everyone for living in normalcy, so scream if you want.

You'll pick up the phone to call her.  You'll listen to her voicemail message.  You'll cry because you don't know her meatloaf recipe.  You'll develop a deep hate for Mother's Day commercials.   You'll miss the things she did that drove you nuts, more than anything else.  

You will hear people say some of the dumbest things, but remember they're just trying to help (trust me, this is so hard.)  You will also see the good in people as they love and support you, let them help.

I know you're in a complete fog right now and it feels like it will never end.   As time passes, you'll realize that God and love are the only things that kept you upright during these days.  I won't tell you time heals all wounds, because it doesn't.  You'll cry less with time, but there will always be a hole in your heart.   It does get easier to breathe, and I promise that you will learn to smile at the memories that now only bring you tears.

You will make it through this hell.  I remember people telling me that and I thought, "Well obviously they didn't love and need their Mom as much as I do," but they did love them, they were just farther along in healing.   Speaking of healing, don't even read the stages of grief, you'll heal how you are meant to heal and if that involves meds, counselors or whatever else you need, do it.  

I promise I'm here to help you in any way possible.  I'll tell you every crazy meltdown I had (Walmart Spice aisle was a favorite), I'll teach you how to "therapy cook" for a small army, and most importantly I'll sit and cry with you, because you need to get it out.  

I'm sorry your world is shattered right now.  I'm sorry you won't see your Mom again until Heaven.  I'm sorry there aren't better words than, "I'm sorry."  But know you're loved and we'll get you through this. 

I know you can't see it now, but one day you will be able to help someone else through a time like this.  One day you'll realize you survived and that your Mom would want you to smile again.  It's all part of being in the club....

With love,
Misses My Mommy Too

Hearts

It takes all kinds of people to make the world go round.  I've met such a variety of people in my life that I could spend hours going on and on about the differences.  To me though, there's always been one type that stands out....those with huge hearts. 

I always considered my Mom one of these people.  She was quick to love, quick to cry and quick to nurture.  She put others before herself so selflessly.  She loved unconditionally. 

As I've grown older,  I've realized that I'm drawn to these people.  They're my best friends and my spouse.  They're the family members I'm closest to.  I have always realized it, but today it hit me like a ton of bricks.  

Last night, I made the mistake of watching our announcement reaction videos on my phone.  I have the ones of Keith, Heidi and April finding out.  I cried in private and tried to cheer up, but I was just having a rough few days.

Today, I got a package in the mail.   My dear friends Jenni and Jan had me a bracelet made to honor our baby.  I broke down crying in my driveway.  I'll never be able to explain what it means to me.  They  had tears of joy when I told them I was pregnant, and they've grieved and cared for me since the loss.  From miles away, their big hearts have comforted me.

My best friend, April, is another one.  She's there day or night, no questions asked, no complaints.  She's just there (often with therapy cheesefries) to love and cry with you.  She's been by my side at hospitals, funeral homes, and pretty much everywhere else in this state.  She knows me better than I know myself sometimes.

There are so many others: My friends Julie and Beth.  We laugh and cry together and take care of each other. My sister Heidi. She's a little Debbie Jr.  She'll hug me and hold me up anytime I need her.  My husband.  God knows his heart is huge or he would have run away from me forever ago.  And there are so many more.  I could go on for hours.

Yesterday when I wrote about M and how helpful she was, after I hit publish, I thought, my goodness I hope that didn't downplay the love and support of others.  Those who've never been down this path, may not know exactly what it feels like, but they've cried with me, loved me and never left my side.  They're priceless in my eyes.  I'd still be bawling on the bathroom floor without my big hearted supporters.  So if I don't say it enough.... Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.....I'd be lost without you and I love you guys. 

Love Languages

One of the best books I've ever read is The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman.   It gave me a whole new understanding on love and relationships.   Before reading it, I never realized that how I show love might not be the way others feel love.  

The 5 basic love languages:
Gifts
Quality time
Words of affirmation
Acts of service
Physical touch

I once heard a sermon on this topic and the pastor told us about his wife spending hours in the kitchen making elaborate meals and desserts, but he felt unloved and neglected because all he really wanted was her time and attention. 

Normally, I'm a gifts and acts of service kinda girl.  Please don't think I'm materialistic....I just love flowers, sweet notes or little things where it shows the person went out of their way to find something special for me.  As for acts of service, having a clean house, tidy yard or folded laundry makes me calm and open to love.   It makes me feel like we have a good relationship and take value in the life we've built together. 

After we lost the baby, the gifts were nice, but all I really wanted and needed was physical touch and words of affirmation.  I wanted to be held and hugged and told I was loved and supported.  The times I cried the most were when I was alone with my own thoughts.   Luckily I have a few friends who really loved me the right way.   Other people disappointed me.   I recently mentioned this to a relative and his response was, "People just don't know what to say.... It's a hard topic to talk about."  Well news flash: It's even harder to live through it without love and support. 

I definitely think times of heartbreak can really alter your love language.

I'm also guilty of forgetting to stop and focus on loving my husband and helping heal his hurt during all of this.  I feel like I failed him.  In general, I need to spend more time understanding his love language.  I'd guess it would be words of affirmation and gifts, but I could be way off.  I guess we've got a conversation starter for our road trip!   

I ramble off all of this to say, stop and evaluate the people in your life..... Make sure you're loving them "the right way."  

Running Away

This weekend we ran away from our lives.  We packed a bag and my husband booked us a room in a historic hotel an hour out of town.  I'll forever be thankful for the masterminds behind this great idea. 

Saturday we did some shopping in antique stores, Christmas shops and other craft stores.   I completely melted down over Raggedy Ann dolls and Amish baby furniture.   One minute you're looking at Christmas decor and the next minute, BAM baby stuff. 

We had a nice lunch at a quaint Italian place and then checked into our room to relax.   We rocking chair rocked,  Keith swam (I'm not allowed in water for 2 weeks) and we got dressed up for dinner.  We had a nice meal on the veranda and called it a night. 

Sunday we played some checkers and had breakfast and quickly realized we weren't feeling great.   We spent the majority of the rest of the day battling mild food poisoning.  Apparently sharing my crab cakes wasn't such a sweet idea ooops.

My favorite part of the weekend was dancing with Keith in our hotel room (I used to gag at mushy stuff like this lol).  There was a wedding below us so we took advantage of the thin insulation and danced to their music.   I can't explain why but in those minutes I knew we'd be OK.   I love him now more than ever. 

So now we're back to reality.  Back to work and life,  but at least we got a little break.   I still lose my breath sometimes because it hurts so bad.   I'd run away again at the drop of a hat, but that isn't an option so we keep moving forward.   Slowly.  Very slowly. 

I Must Be Dreaming (Look Back #6)

I keep pinching myself.   I keep going through the motions and feel like it's a dream. 

Our first ultrasound was today.  We sat in the waiting room FOREVER.   We finally got pulled into the room I've come to dread and the scan began.   Dr T talked to the screen (giving notes to nurse) and I held my breath.   I've come to love that man, but I could kissed the PA when she finally said,  "Dr you've got to tell her something!"  He cackled and started explain everything.  Basically,  it's in my uterus, there's a heartbeat and baby is growing on schedule.  Thank you,  Jesus!

I had a few tears, but honestly I was too overwhelmed to say much.  Keith and I had a few minutes to celebrate,  chatted with the doc a bit more,  squealed with the staff and then left.   I tried to keep my game face on in the lobby.....I would never want to hurt any other patients.  

Outside in the car though,  I was squealing and trying to make arrangements to tell a few more people.   Tonight we spill a few beans.  

March 29th, you can't come soon enough.  I'm one excited Mama!  

And here's MY baby's first....picture.  I think she has my eyes ;)  She's a whopping .4cm long so I think she got her daddy's height!

Sweetness (Look back #3)

I came home yesterday to flowers,  a card and a bracelet from my Baby Daddy.  He's so sweet.  And he cooked and served me dinner.  

Of course,  later in the evening he asked if I'd be whining the entire 9 months, so that voided all the sweetness above.  (I was tempted to put his boobs in a vice grip so he'd understand the complaints a bit more.)

Roosuphus George Harold Turns 9

Happy Birthday to my favorite little furry boy.   I love you very much you little blue jean loving,  basket and bag dwelling, temperamental million dollar kitty.  You're completely misunderstood, but your Mama knows how sweet and cuddly you really are.

It's Called A (Unhealthy) Coping Mechanism

I'm an emotional eater. Comfort comes in a plate or a bowl.  I'll never lie or deny this problem.   After Mom died though, I added to the scope of the problem.  Now not only do I eat to deal with grief,  but I cook to help others cope.

My sister used to call for backup when she heard me in the kitchen.  I'd cook enough casseroles,  side dishes and desserts to feed an army.  I'd send food home with Dad,  feed my grandparents and have family over to eat.  It was one thing I could do to fill in for my Mom. 

With time,  I finally quit having these "fits" (not before perfecting homemade chicken pot pie), but I never quite lost the urge. 

So now, with news of a friend's terminal cancer status,  I find myself ready to drag out the bowls and pans.  In between tears,  I told my Dad, "I'll feed them.  It's all I know to do."  In my mind, what else can you do when a young mother and wife doesn't have much longer here on earth?

So tonight,  I'll be making chicken squares,  stuffed shells,  lasagna, pepperoni rolls and whatever else I can mass produce, because food is how I cope.  I'll feed em and hug em, because I know it's what got us through the bad times.

Sunday Tradition

A while back,  Keith and I started a Sunday tradition.  We don't do it every single week,  but we do try to make it there when time permits.   There's a quaint bakery in town, New Day Bakery, that has the most amazing scones ever.

It's a semi granola place mixed with good ole fashioned baked goods and we love it.  We grab two coffees and 3 scones/muffins and split the goods.   Our favorites include chocolate chip,  raspberry apple, peach raspberry and blueberry cream cheese. 

Today we got our normal baked goods and coffee cups and claimed a table on the patio.  The only variation to tradition was trying a new coffee.  We usually have the house blend and finally asked the server if the Grog was a bold roast (YUCK) and surprisingly he said no and shared it's a maple flavored blend (Maple is my absolute favorite flavor ever).  We both filled our cups and it was love at first sip.

So today we not only left with full stomachs,  but also with a bag of ground coffee.  Apparently there's a new tradition that was born today. 

I love this special part of our week.  I hope we always make time for it and the amazing coffee :)

Some shots from our many trips.  Yummy

525,600 Minutes

May 4, 2014

It's been a year since Keith and I got married and became husband and wife.  I've never had a year fly by so quickly!    It's been a year full of highs and lows, but it's been the best year because he's been beside me.

I thank God all the time for giving me someone so sweet and good-hearted.  I think it's a miracle that he's so good at dealing with me and my idiosyncrasies. 

Happy 1st Anniversary to the man of my dreams.   He drives me crazy some days,  but I promise to do everything I can to make sure he always knows how crazy I am about him.  

And Then.....

It's been two days since the latest attack on my emotional well-being.   I'm still just sad and in a haze, but honestly since watching my Mom die of colon cancer,  I've realized there's not much that can take me to that low of a place (please Lord never give me anything harder).   So basically I'm sad,  but I'm also thankful.  I've said all along I want to know "why" and now I do.  I hate the answer and it breaks my heart,  but now we know and we can make decisions (after my MRI).

Please don't think I'm downplaying any of this.  I've had myself plenty of pity cries and tear up when I think of the sadness on Keith's face,  but this isn't the end for us.   For the insensitive people who've said to just relax and it will happen,  I hope their eyes are opened to how wrong they are.  Relaxing doesn't fix infertility; insensitivity doesn't help the hurt either.  

My sweet husband sent me flowers yesterday.  He's never sent me flowers before,  but yesterday it was exactly what I needed.   The card reads,  "Together we can overcome any challenge."  I needed to see that, to know one more time that he loves me and my junk reproductive system and that we're in this together.  He even proudly announced that he used a coupon code to order them.... God, I love him. 

So, that's where we are now.  Anxiously awaiting the MRI.  Hoping for the best,  but preparing for the worst.  Praying for direction,  guidance, answers, but most of all for a baby....a healthy baby to love and call our own. 

Tests and Trial Two

Today was our first Dr Jerkface appointment in a few months.  In those two months either he's gotten nicer or I've gotten more tolerant (or he was on his best behavior for the med student). Whatever the cause,  it was nice to not leave an appointment in misery.

We went through the usual motions and left with plans to do an HSG followed by another IUI.  They upped the hormones for this round so I should be a hot mess in a few days.   The best part is the timeline involves Easter Sunday so we could be skipping family dinners for stirrups and specimens. 

Of course I've got 101 mixed emotions about the next few weeks.  I have to go off my AS drugs so I can ovulate so that's got me concerned.  I'm afraid of the HSG. Most of all,  I'm petrified of another failure.  I gasp for breath when I truly let myself think about it. 

For now,  we continue to pray and hope that this is our month.  Selfishly I'm also praying that the test isn't painful cause I'm a big ole baby.   Through it all though,  I'm thankful for Keith who stands by my side through it all and also for spring finally getting here to help brighten our moods and outlooks!   Let Round 2 begin. .....

Business travel

How do people travel for a living?  How do they live their life out of a suitcase?  

Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful for the places my company has allowed me to see.  So far Puerto Rico has been my favorite....I definitely plan to go back one day.  But right now, as I eat another breakfast in a hotel lobby,  I just want to be home with my husband and cats. 

We have a young kid in our class (27ish) and we were all making small talk about our lives.   He blurted out,  "I want to get married and have something to miss."  My heart broke for him because I remember being in his shoes.   Now that there's someone waiting for me, I'm dying to pack up and get back.

I will however admit I'll miss my morning Starbucks.  He's my business travel husband and I'll definitely experience some separation anxiety when we're torn apart haha

Babies, Sunshine, Student Loans and Chuck E Cheese – Oh My!

The babies are invading.  I have one friend being induced Friday, a Facebook/high school acquaintance due any day, a dear friend who is getting closer to her due date, 2 coworkers who are growing daily and a consultant who is preggers and invited me to her baby shower this weekend.  It is definitely baby season.  I currently need to invade the baby section to get some gifts, but after the last trip, I’m trying to save up the energy/strength to tackle it again.

With Keith, Perry and me passing sicknesses around, we’ve had a lot of downtime at the house.  I do chores and regular day to day tasks, but that still leaves a lot of down time.  Usually Keith watches TV downstairs and cat naps and I watch TV upstairs, read, take a nice long soak or play on my phone.  While it is nice to have some quiet time, it still bothers me.  I get waves of “Is this it for the rest of our life?”  “How long before this boring life gets old?” and quite honestly, “Will my husband give up on me and pursue his desire to be a Dad again?.” 

The rational part of me knows that Keith is loving and loyal, but the crazy hormonal part of me hates that I am what is stopping us from reaching our dreams.  We have plans to join local pool/mini gym as soon as I get home from Philadelphia, but in the meantime, I just sit and let my mind wander.   With traveling for work, we have to skip this cycle with Dr. Jerkface, but next month, we are back in the race. 

But enough of my Debbie Downer post, on a brighter side.  We got one day of sunshine and 70 degree temperatures.  I had the downstairs windows open and the cats were loving life!!  I can’t wait to start on our yard, sealing our deck, and some other spring projects.    I need to get some sunshine in a bad kind of way…..I am so pale, I look like Casper.

We also paid off all of our student loans this month……man that feels good!!!  I won’t be missing that debt and I’ve already routed the money we had been paying straight into savings so I am not tempted to go shopping.  Although new deck furniture has been calling my name. 

We did make one splurge and went away for a long weekend.  It was a late birthday celebration for Keith and something fun for Perry.  We just drove to Bridgeville, PA and got a hotel room with an indoor pool, went out for a nice Italian dinner and spent the next day at Chuck E Cheese.  The time change made it extra exhausting, but it was totally worth it to see my boys having fun! 

I’ve got house cleaning and laundry to do this weekend in preparation for leaving for Philadelphia for a week of training and then it’s my birthday week!!  Bring on the fun =)   Of course, I’ll be wishing for a baby when I blow out my candles….let’s hope my 32^nd year is the year I become a biological Mama.

Tangible Grace

After publishing my Debbie Downer post I felt a more upbeat post was needed.   It's time to brag on my husband.

I don't say it enough,  but THANK YOU GOD FOR THE MAN YOU MADE FOR ME.

He stays by my side when I give him every reason to run.   He takes amazing care of me.  He knows when I need him most.  He babies me when I NEED it.

Today he took a vacation day to take care of me (weak and dizzy from food poisoning) and to go to my doc appointment with me.  After bad news he even offered to take me to Kohls to cheer me up (I think he knew I felt too weak to accept but we'll give him the benefit of the doubt.)

I once heard the term "tangible grace" and that's what Keith is to me.... He's my tangible grace and I love that man.

This Is Why You Don’t Blog on Meds

 Warning: I’m medicated and weepy. 

I try not to spend too much of my life regretting things that I did or didn’t do. 

The thought does cross my mind sometimes about how one little moment could have changed so many things.  I think about Keith, who asked me out 5+ times before I said yes.  I was working a lot at the time, and kept denying his requests.  I can’t imagine my life right now if it weren’t for him finally suggesting lunch and giving me no choice but to say, “Yes.”  Best decision I ever made. 

That man has made me happier and angrier than any other human has in my 29ish+ years.  I love him in ways I didn’t know were possible.  He just gets me. 

Like earlier this week:  I was sick (again) and he brought me an iced coffee, lunch, throat drops and a surprise to work.  He bought me a baby name book to show me that he hasn’t given up hope.  The sweetness and hope behind his gesture breaks and warms my heart. 

Which brings me back to trying not to regret things.  A while back I bought the supplies to tell Keith we’re expecting.  In a moment of excitement, hope and allowing myself to believe, I bought the items I wanted to use to tell him.  I’ve never been a fan of handing someone a stick I peed on (not judging lol just not my style) so I prepared, just in case.  And now, I keep stumbling across my hidden surprise.  I worry what I will do with it if I never get to give it to him. 

Since the IUI, my body has been freaking out.  I won’t go into details, but let’s just say, my once normal cycles are all over the place and the doctor’s office isn’t being all that helpful in explaining it all to me.  And quite frankly, I don’t know what to do next.  Right now, I am waiting for this horrible sickness to pass and for the results from my recent doc appointments. 

But after all that rambling, Happy Valentine’s Day.  We’re spending a low key night together at home, because I had my husband cancel our dinner plans.  I can’t taste much right now, so why waste the amazing food at Montmartre!  I’m looking forward to spending some quality time with the man that I love and who I hope one day can be a Daddy again.