Cuatro - A Look Back

I had a hunch I was pregnant.  Wasn't late, just a feeling.  Decided to dig out expired old cheap tests.  Forgot about it and walked back in to toss it and saw the faintest color.  I'll let you in on a little secret....infertiles can see lines before 99.9% of the population can see lines.  It's our super power. 

Marched downstairs and thrust it in the husband's face, "Do you see anything?" and looked at him annoyingly.  Those are the magical pregnancy announcements I dreamed of.  1st baby got a gift and a card.  2nd baby got a Starbucks cup that said Daddy.  3rd baby got something cutesie.  This baby.... pee stick and cranky wife in the face.  Magical.

I continued to pee on random (expired) tests all weekend.  Monday morning I was at the clinic begging to be stabbed.  309.7.  Repeat on Wednesday 909.3.  Progesterone suppositories and ultrasound scheduled for 7 weeks.  And I'm left to freak out. 

Told my usual partners in crime.... again, nothing cute and fun.  No videoing... and strict instructions not to be excited.  I told my Dad on the phone.  Yeah, there's one for the baby books.

What's different this time?  I started the aspirin and progesterone earlier.  I'm trying to exercise more and stay hydrated.  And I'm nauseated.  Like green and gaggy.  I'm convinced it's a great sign, but wow it's fun. 

I feel robbed of the fun and excitement.  I'm still so incredibly guarded and realize this probably won't end well.  I'm still hoping and praying Cuatro will be in our arms soon. 

Ellie

My abandoned blog…..I had stopped writing for so long, as it had become a source of stress instead of a place of comfort.   So much has happened during that time. 

We found I was pregnant with our 4^th baby….we guarded our hearts hard, but we kept hitting milestones.  We found out she was a girl.  We named her Eliana JoAnn Riggle “Ellie”.  We celebrated her with family and friends.  We bought her clothes and bows and nursery décor and toys.  We broke my rule….we got excited. 

1 day short of 18 weeks, we found out Ellie had died.  Even as I sit here and type those words, they take my breath away.  This time was different.  This time I had to deliver our baby….I got to hold our baby.  We had to bury our baby.  Losing our first 3 children was hard, and I miss them all, but this one, it broke me.   It devastated us and others who loved her. 

I spend my days trying to avoid my thoughts and trying to fight back tears.  I struggle to find simple words, I feel almost zombie like, and physically, I am just not bouncing back.  My blood tests aren’t great and I had to have heart tests….my thoughts, my heart is literally broken.

Our loved ones have been beyond amazing….I think sometimes bad things happen so you can be reminded of the good stuff.  I have searched for answers and beat myself up over every single thing I could have done differently.  People say it isn’t my fault…..no one else’s body killed her though.  I have that to live with. 

More than anything, I want my baby back.  She should still be alive and safe….I relive those moments in the ultrasound room on constant repeat….I’m still pleading the same thing to God, yet He doesn’t hear. 

We have officially closed the door on being parents.  There will be no miracle for us. 

Third Time Is The Charm

Written before our loss:

July 17, 2017
Well it's time for my annual Summer pregnancy.  

2014: Doodle
2015: Nugget
2016: Took a break to have hernia surgery and get my stomach acid issues under control
2017: Round 3

So, after vacation, we found a house to buy.  We've been searching for 4 years and this one just landed in our laps (I'll blog about that later).  So we're dealing with the craziness and stress of having 2 mortgages and getting everything done when a friend joked that this would be the time I'd get pregnant.  I brushed them off because of spotting I'd had that morning and went back to creating my to-do lists.   

A few days later, no period...I take the cheap tests and BFNs....I blame stress and keep on trucking.  One night my loving husband tells me I'm being a psycho crazy woman (this also occurs with aforementioned annual pregnancies) and I thought maybe I should take a real test.  The next morning I drag the expired thing out of the back of the cabinet and suddenly the faintest line ever appears.   I make him analyze it with me, because well let's face it, the cute announcement boat has sailed after 2 losses.  Not meaning that this baby deserves any less, just that I'm more guarded and less hopeful... I'm damaged.  

So the new doctor we're seeing, who insisted on this 6 months of natural attempts, isn't a fertility specialist.  He's a high risk doctor in a family medicine clinic so getting to talk to someone is hard.  They finally get my orders in for blood-work before lunch.   After lunch, my beta was 26 (the lowest on the preggo chart) and my progesterone is way low.  So I'm started on capsules and we repeat on Thursday. 

Obviously the clock has stopped moving but thankfully, moving and mortgage stuff has me crazy occupied.

I sit and stare at the tests and analyze them.  I want one to light up like I'm pregnant with quints ha. 

Numbers and Dates

Started writing before our loss:

7/20/17

Up bright and early Thursday morning to be the first stabbing at the lab.  Rush home to await results..... drumroll please,  62.  And progesterone has gone up (thanks to meds). 

Wait for hours for the doc to call and crickets.  I finally call them and talk to the nurse.  Met with the same cautious and worried tone as last time.  I ask about baby aspirin and they agree it's a good idea (good cause I started it days ago).  They also want to monitor my thyroid. 

Repeat bloodwork on Monday.  Monday is a big big day. Takes my breath away. 

We're still avoiding the subject.  In the past I would have bought something by now or dug out name books.  Not this time.  I've learned the pain that causes.... I'm teary eyed just thinking of that pain.  Dear God, I beg you to let this time be different. 

7/24/17

185

So very hopeful!!!

7/28/17

ER - ectopic pregnancy.  1 day shy of 6 weeks.

7/31/2017

Methotrexate injections

And We're Here Again

Another loss.  Another heartbreak.  Another baby we'll only hold in heaven. 

Almost a month later and I'm still dealing with this ectopic pregnancy.  Methotrexate, hospitals and that empty, sad feeling. 

I feel like I need to write everything down, yet I don't feel like opening the wounds more.  I'll publish the pieces I started writing during happier times, because this baby deserves to be remembered. 

It just hurts. A lot. 

Lately

I feel like I'm slowly getting back to the point where I want to blog.  For a long time, I felt like I honestly couldn't blog because I refused to admit the things I felt and thought.  I don't plan to rehash them, but know they weren't my proudest moments. 

Right now, we're in limbo.   We took some major time off so I could focus on getting healthier and improving my body to hopefully grow a little body.  I'm happily no longer obese (just overweight haha) and feel like a new woman.  

We're gearing up to explore our options again.   We're getting a second opinion in February  (hopefully sooner if there's a cancellation).  I'll start tracking again soon too. 

Two of my fellow infertiles are pregnant right now, and I'm determined to be number three!  I'm honestly so excited for them...they've fought hard for their miracles!   I'm trying to stay realistic, but it's so hard.  35 is moving in fast....the dreaded age *sigh*

In the meantime, I'm loving life as an aunt and I've resisted the urge to kidnap him.   I think I deserve a cookie  (or baby) for that!

We'll see what the future holds...

Dear Baby Who Should Be In My Arms Today

Dear Nugget,

Today should be filled with booties, camera flashes, oohs and aahs, and more importantly you should be in our arms.  Instead it's filled with tears and hurt, as it's now another date that reminds us that we'll never hold our sweet babies until heaven. 

You were in and out of our lives very quickly, but in those few weeks, I was your Mommy.  I started loving you and building hopes and dreams for you.  My precious baby, it breaks my heart that you're not here with us. 

As we've worked to accept our childless life on this side of heaven, there are days when the sadness is overwhelming.  Slowly though, we're healing. 

You're getting a cousin this year.  I will always wish that you and Doodle were here to be big cousins to Logan.  Seeing him grow through ultrasounds and hear his heartbeat at appointments is the most amazing thing; how I long that your stories had been ones of such happiness and joy.

As you spend your due date in heaven, I pray your Grandma is holding you tight.  I love you my sweet second baby.  I'll hold you in my heart always.

Love
Mommy

That Post I've Written 100 Times In My Head

In the past, I've vaguely mentioned a gift that was offered to us.  I've never really elaborated, but to put it quite simply, someone offered us one of the selfless gifts I could imagine.  Someone offered to carry our baby/babies for us. 

In the days before the IVF discussion that brought our dreams crashing down, this one person offered us more hope than we've felt in years. 

This post is for her.

Dear Friend,

How do I ever find the words to acknowledge the gift you offered us?  How do I ever express just how much you touched my heart?

The conversation we had was so much like others we have had in the past.   We joked.  You blushed.  We ate.  We vented.  Then you offered to babysit for us for 9 months.  I don't think it sunk in immediately.  Sometimes, I still don't think it has.  But in that conversation, you offered something that only the kindest hearted person could ever offer. 

The fact that you had done so much homework and research floored me.  The fact that you had considered how each person in your family would be affected is so "you." 

That night, I made a secret Surrogate  board on Pinterest.   I did so much reading.  I sat astounded at the "hugeness" of it all.

The truth is, I can't imagine a bigger honor than having my child grow near a heart as big as yours. If the baby could inherit one ounce of your character, it would be an amazing gain. 

As I sit and write (and cry, of course) I still sit dumbfounded.  What did I ever do to deserve such a gift? 

So even though, we'll likely never be able to explore this path, please don't think I'll ever forget the day you offered to carry my dreams.  Please never doubt that you helped heal my heart and that in the end you really did give me a gift I'll never forget.

As I end this, the words still don't seem to be right, or enough.  This post has sat unpublished for so long, for this reason alone.  I'll likely never find a way to repay you, even the slightest bit, but thank you.   I love you and your family and I'm blessed to call you my friend and my "almost could have been baby mama!"

Love, 
Me

I Sit and Wonder

My mind wanders a lot these days.  Today I was texting with one of the greatest people I know and my mind was off on a whole new tangent.

She's infertile.  A cancer scare robbed her of her "parts" well before 35.  She is the most amazing aunt in the world to her niece and nephew.  She never misses an event, she takes them out all the time and celebrates every milestone with them.  She loves them so well.

Then there's my adopted family member.  She's had miscarriages and she's infertile.  She scooped in and saved Heidi and I after Mom died.  She makes you feel like the most spoiled and loved people in the world.  She loves us so well.

Then there's my previous coworker.  She's infertile.  Her sister committed suicide and she's stepped in to love her niece and nephew and help show them what real love is.  She loves them well.

So my mind wanders to the questions, does infertility change you and make you value children that much more? Or does God decide to make you infertile so you're available to love those who need loved? 

Right now, I avoid kids.  Last night I got ambushed at a dinner party where there were 5, yes FIVE kids under 3 years old.  For some crazy reason I volunteered to hold a newborn so her mom could eat.  I won't ever pretend that I didn't contemplate making a stab at kidnapping. 

I'll never understand God's ways....but it definitely gives me something to think about.  I just pray that if the time comes, I can love like these three amazing women have.

It's Changed Who You Are

A few nights ago I had one of the ugliest cries I've had in a long time.  A whole rush of emotions hit at once and it wasn't pretty.  The worst part of the night was hearing these words out of Keith's mouth, "It's changed who you are."

It's the nagging realization that sits in the back of your head, but to hear it out loud cuts deep.  He doesn't realize the sting behind his words.  Honestly he doesn't understand a quarter of what I'm feeling.  He tries, but it's just not possible.

The last few months have been hard.  There were so many highs: getting insurance for IVF, having a friend offer us a HUGE gift, having financial pieces fall into place.  But those moments were quickly followed by a huge low: our consultation where the true risks of my egg retrieval were revealed.

IVF was always where I kept my hope.  All hope wasn't lost as long as we had that card to play.  But now we don't.  And yes, there are still other cards we could play: egg adoption, embryo adoption, child adoption, but my heart isn't there.  Somehow that makes me feel like I'm giving up and selfishly guarding my heart.  In all honesty, I can't handle much more.

The hard truth is it has changed me.  I hate leaving the house.  If I could, I would stay home constantly.  There aren't baby clothes and pregnant women at home.  There aren't acquaintances that ask about starting a family when I'm home.  I get anxious about totally simple things.  I've distanced myself from the people I love.  I'd rather sleep or watch Netflix than do anything else. 

Keith recently commented that he's bored with our routine.  My response was, "This is it.  We won't have kid functions and all those normal things families do.  So this is it." 

I went to a funeral this week of a dear friend.  Her obituary talked about her huge family.  The woman had 22 great grandchildren.  Mine will be short....there won't be a long list of children, grandchildren or great grandchildren.  There was a huge realization that I'll never fit in with my peers, not now are they're becoming parents or later as their kids give them grandchildren. 

So yes this journey has changed me.  It's robbed me of my hopes and dreams.  It's brought out emotions that scare me.  It's broken my heart to begin to accept I'll only hold my babies in heaven.  I know with time it will get better.....I'm just not there yet.

What Hope Looks Like

Throughout the last few years, we've always made decisions based on "if we have a baby."  We picked a house with enough bedrooms.  We picked a new car that would accommodate a car seat easily and the payment wouldn't cut into day care costs.  Those are the big things.

Even in the small things, our hope shines through.  I did a little art project last year and I flipped it over today and got yet another reminder.  Maybe the new year will be the year we complete our tree...the year the other ornament gets a name and moved to the front. 

I'll ask again this year, Dear Santa, please bring us a baby. (Shout out to the Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny, Elf on the Shelf and any other creature that can hook us up too)

Torn Between

This year, I'm torn between being so thankful for all I have and a little sad on what I thought I'd have.  

The little Thanksgiving outfits still haunt me....those ribbon feathers ugh.  A few pregnancy announcements mixed in were just the whipped cream on the pie.

In the mix of it all, I'm blessed. I'm thankful.  I'm trying so hard to focus on the good stuff.

I did find one tiny way to clean out the tear ducts, while hopefully bringing another wanna be mama a smile.   Ice cream is always the answer so I'm treating on the pay it forward board.

Happy Turkey Day!!!

Wordless

I've struggled to write lately.  Partially because of a stressful project at work.  Partially because I don't know what to think, feel or write.  Partially because avoiding my thoughts is therapeutic (I lie to myself).

I can't sleep lately.  4 hours is the name of the game some nights.  If my brain had an off switch, I'd be one happy girl. 

I'm added to Keith's insurance for 2016. I have had some other amazing opportunities that have been huge blessings arise (more on that later).  My cousin recently had a successful transfer and is happily pregnant on her hail mary embryo.  Yet I'm scared....Petrified really.

I'm waiting for one single day where this is easy.  I need one single day when my brain and my heart and my life and our finances and my everything just get their act together. 

I'm still waiting for it to happen "naturally" (hate that word) again.  I'm still convinced it will end in loss. I'm still contemplating kidnapping or running away from home or adopting or more furry kids instead of human.  I'm still telling myself to give up and move on. 

Alright maybe I don't lack words at all....just answers. I lack answers.

Dear OBGYN

Dear OBGYN,

I understand what your business is all about.  I get it.  But is it too much to ask that you soundproof the walls? 

I got greeted by the family of 6 soon to be 7 in your waiting room.  I faked a smile.  4 more pregos walked through.  Eager for ultrasounds, scheduling again in 2 weeks, eager to hear all about their babies.  I kept my head down.  But to walk to the bathroom and hear the sound of someone else's baby's heartbeat is just more than this girl can handle.

My first child once had a heart beat.  My second child may or may not have had one.  I'm so glad they're not suffering through what we did, but please don't expose me to something I want so badly.

You need to be set up like restaurants back in the day.  Instead of smoking and nonsmoking can you do fertile and infertile?  I don't wanna kill my lungs or break my heart....nonsmoking infertile section please! 

Sincerely,
Jealous of the Fertiles

Loss #2

I lost another baby today.  We lost another child today.  This time it was earlier.  This time my body naturally started the process.  This time it hurts, but it's a different kind of hurt, but yet still the same. 

There is no ultrasound picture this time.  Some say it's even too early to be called a miscarriage.  But still there is a loss and a new hole in my heart. 

I hate my body.  I hate the way I feel physically, emotionally and mentally.  I hate that I inconvenienced the people who had to sweep in again and pick me up off the floor. 

I called this little one Nugget.  We fought over names.  We browsed nursery fabrics.  I bought a chalkboard for monthly pictures.  I dared to dream that this time would be different. 

Maybe I shouldn't have shopped on Saturday.  Maybe I shouldn't have mowed grass on Monday.  Maybe I shouldn't have tried yoga poses to increase blood flow.  Maybe I rolled on my back too long in my sleep. 

I called the doctor's office, but I still have no idea what that nurse said.  I remember her confirming that my numbers dropped significantly, but the rest is a blur.  I don't know how I drove home.  I don't know what I'd do without the crew that swept in to pick up the pieces. 

My heart hurts.  I want my baby back.  I don't know why I'm here again. Why did I put myself through this again? 

A Look Back (#1)

Excited. Scared. Thrilled. Terrified. Hopeful. Worried. Ecstatic. Petrified.

I could go on and on. 

This time is different.  I want to skip and yell and celebrate and throw a party.  But I also want to hide and pretend it's not happening and protect my heart. 

I'm begging God.  I'm praising God.  

I keep thinking of this quote:

It's not fair to this baby. MY second biological child to not celebrate his or her life, because Doodle is in heaven.  

So the doctor's office doesn't open until 8am.  The same time as my physical therapy appointment.  After that I'm blood work bound.   Please let the numbers be great.  

I think I'm taking Keith coffee from Starbucks that says "Daddy of 2" on the cup.  I told him last night that my period was late and he just simply said "Don't get your hopes up honey." He worries. 

Well I'm done crying and rambling for now.  More later.

And Then?

A month has passed since I wrote the post about being Stuck.  Guess what?  Nothing has changed. 

Every day I wake up and there's a big fat pink elephant in the room and nobody wants to talk about it.   Sometimes I force the conversations that lead us no where. Some days I request information on adopting/fostering and I leave the package tucked out of sight.  Occasionally, I check savings accounts and do the math around IVF.  I'll even admit some days that I secretly hope that since we've "quit trying" that maybe it will magically happen. 

My gynecologist mentioned she'd keep us in mind if she stumbled across a mother who needed a family for her child.  That gave me hope for a day or two.  Then reality set in.

I. DON'T.  KNOW.  WHAT.  TO.  DO.

I need to rip off the bandaid.  We need to make some decisions.  Can someone, anyone tell us what to do?!?  Do we flip a coin?  There aren't just two options so that won't solve anything.  Maybe rock paper scissors will work?!?  

Stuck

I feel like I'm stuck.  I have no idea what to do next.  I don't know if there is a next.

My mind has flipped several times to the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.   I've lived 2 years in denial that we could ever be here.  Anger and jealousy have reared their ugly head more than I'd like to admit.  Bargaining is a constant part of the game..... Just one more try. Please God I'll do anything.  And good ole depression is a no brainer.  Infertility has gotten so many of my tears; second only to losing my Mom.   So when does acceptance come? Or should I say, "does acceptance come?" 

Day 1 no longer means calls to the RE.  There are unused tests under my bathroom sink.   There's the "other bedroom", the lists of baby names, the unworn maternity clothes, and the baby items cocky me bought.  There's so much left unsettled.  There's an emptiness and an elephant in the room that grows bigger all the time.

Yesterday at a conference, an acquaintance asked, "Now you have one or two babies now?"  Ouch.  Does the sting of those conversations ever go away?

To this point, I've felt like we're at least doing something.  Waiting, testing, medicating, monitoring, trying.... Now we're stuck.  I don't even know what cycle day it is (OK that's a lie....) but I sincerely wish I didn't know. 

What now? 

The End (I Think...)

Today marks the end of our journey.  I had my final RE appointment and we're now out of options unless we decide to pursue IVF. 

We sat with hippie Santa Claus and went through our entire case file and basically with my age, labs and conditions, we're just not going to conceive "the old fashioned way."  I know God isn't phased by any of these numbers, and I'll keep praying for a miracle, but I also know that prayers are often answered with a "no." 

I'm slowly processing how I feel about it all.   Devastated is the easiest to identify.  Anger and jealousy.  Overwhelmed.  Unsure and confused.  There's even an ounce of relief that the meds, tests and appointments are over.

Keith is all about trying IVF.  He's the dreamer and free spirit in our marriage.  He doesn't worry about the $15-20k price tag.  He says I'll regret it if we don't try it.  I'm convinced it will leave us in debt with empty arms either due to failure or another loss.  

I really just want to make a public service announcement that we're never having children so everyone knows and the questions and comments will stop.  That just seems so permanent though.

So realistically, it's not the end.  It's another crossroads and more emotions, but today, in my mind it's the end.  Maybe tomorrow will feel different.  Sigh. 

IUI Fail #2

Cruel timing, but today confirmed this last IUI was a bust.   I'll call the doctor tomorrow morning.  Part of me wants to skip this month because of our upcoming vacation, but somehow that makes me feel guilty.   Plus we'll probably be forced to skip the following month because of vacation timing.  Who knows!?   :(