I feel like I'm slowly getting back to the point where I want to blog. For a long time, I felt like I honestly couldn't blog because I refused to admit the things I felt and thought. I don't plan to rehash them, but know they weren't my proudest moments.
Right now, we're in limbo. We took some major time off so I could focus on getting healthier and improving my body to hopefully grow a little body. I'm happily no longer obese (just overweight haha) and feel like a new woman.
We're gearing up to explore our options again. We're getting a second opinion in February (hopefully sooner if there's a cancellation). I'll start tracking again soon too.
Two of my fellow infertiles are pregnant right now, and I'm determined to be number three! I'm honestly so excited for them...they've fought hard for their miracles! I'm trying to stay realistic, but it's so hard. 35 is moving in fast....the dreaded age *sigh*
In the meantime, I'm loving life as an aunt and I've resisted the urge to kidnap him. I think I deserve a cookie (or baby) for that!
We'll see what the future holds...
Dear Nugget,
Today should be filled with booties, camera flashes, oohs and aahs, and more importantly you should be in our arms. Instead it's filled with tears and hurt, as it's now another date that reminds us that we'll never hold our sweet babies until heaven.
You were in and out of our lives very quickly, but in those few weeks, I was your Mommy. I started loving you and building hopes and dreams for you. My precious baby, it breaks my heart that you're not here with us.
As we've worked to accept our childless life on this side of heaven, there are days when the sadness is overwhelming. Slowly though, we're healing.
You're getting a cousin this year. I will always wish that you and Doodle were here to be big cousins to Logan. Seeing him grow through ultrasounds and hear his heartbeat at appointments is the most amazing thing; how I long that your stories had been ones of such happiness and joy.
As you spend your due date in heaven, I pray your Grandma is holding you tight. I love you my sweet second baby. I'll hold you in my heart always.
Love
Mommy
In the past, I've vaguely mentioned a gift that was offered to us. I've never really elaborated, but to put it quite simply, someone offered us one of the selfless gifts I could imagine. Someone offered to carry our baby/babies for us.
In the days before the IVF discussion that brought our dreams crashing down, this one person offered us more hope than we've felt in years.
This post is for her.
Dear Friend,
How do I ever find the words to acknowledge the gift you offered us? How do I ever express just how much you touched my heart?
The conversation we had was so much like others we have had in the past. We joked. You blushed. We ate. We vented. Then you offered to babysit for us for 9 months. I don't think it sunk in immediately. Sometimes, I still don't think it has. But in that conversation, you offered something that only the kindest hearted person could ever offer.
The fact that you had done so much homework and research floored me. The fact that you had considered how each person in your family would be affected is so "you."
That night, I made a secret Surrogate board on Pinterest. I did so much reading. I sat astounded at the "hugeness" of it all.
The truth is, I can't imagine a bigger honor than having my child grow near a heart as big as yours. If the baby could inherit one ounce of your character, it would be an amazing gain.
As I sit and write (and cry, of course) I still sit dumbfounded. What did I ever do to deserve such a gift?
So even though, we'll likely never be able to explore this path, please don't think I'll ever forget the day you offered to carry my dreams. Please never doubt that you helped heal my heart and that in the end you really did give me a gift I'll never forget.
As I end this, the words still don't seem to be right, or enough. This post has sat unpublished for so long, for this reason alone. I'll likely never find a way to repay you, even the slightest bit, but thank you. I love you and your family and I'm blessed to call you my friend and my "almost could have been baby mama!"
Love,
Me
You think I would have learned the first time, but nnnooooo. So my next Dia and Company box arrived and yet again it was a bust. This time I learned my lesson and cancelled.
It was fun while it lasted.
Dress: My butt was hanging out for the world to see.
Pink shirt: Showed every hump, bump and lump I have.
Tunic: No, just no.
Black blouse: Wouldn't make it over my shoulders. Fits like a Large.
Necklace: Weirdness. Who wants a chain hanging to their belly button. (I didn't even put it on to take a picture, hence the borrowed pic.)
My photographer was even more contrary this time, but you can get an idea of the horror lol.
