And Then?

A month has passed since I wrote the post about being Stuck.  Guess what?  Nothing has changed. 

Every day I wake up and there's a big fat pink elephant in the room and nobody wants to talk about it.   Sometimes I force the conversations that lead us no where. Some days I request information on adopting/fostering and I leave the package tucked out of sight.  Occasionally, I check savings accounts and do the math around IVF.  I'll even admit some days that I secretly hope that since we've "quit trying" that maybe it will magically happen. 

My gynecologist mentioned she'd keep us in mind if she stumbled across a mother who needed a family for her child.  That gave me hope for a day or two.  Then reality set in.

I. DON'T.  KNOW.  WHAT.  TO.  DO.

I need to rip off the bandaid.  We need to make some decisions.  Can someone, anyone tell us what to do?!?  Do we flip a coin?  There aren't just two options so that won't solve anything.  Maybe rock paper scissors will work?!?  

Healthy Eating

Operation Get Healthy has resumed after vacation.   I thought I'd share some of my recent favorites.

Overnight Oats (Aldi had all ingredients)

1/2 cup instant oats (from the tall tube, not the packets)
Teaspoon of flax powder (I bought seeds and grind them)
Teaspoon of chia seeds
Sprinkle of cinnamon
Teaspoon of light agave
10 raspberries
Enough vanilla almond milk to cover all ingredients. 

Pile up the ingredients, cover and refrigerate over night.  
Next morning, stir well and enjoy (I squish up my berries to spread their flavor throughout).

Southwestern Salad. (Aldi had all the ingredients)

A friend recommended some tweaks and this was my final ingredients list.

Chunks

Black Beans

Red bell pepper

Cherry tomatoes

Green onions

Cucumbers

Dressing

Cut back on the cilantro

Over half the avocado

Lime juice

Pre-crushed garlic

A little extra olive oil than they say

White vinegar (didn’t have the fancy stuff)

Salt and pepper

*I might add a jalapeno next time.

I let it set overnight to mesh the flavors and then served over fresh cut Romaine.

 

And my store bought treat of the week was this little box of heaven.  Yum!

Vacation, All I Ever Wanted.....

We ventured on another memorable family vacation last week to the Outer Banks in North Carolina.  The trip was amazing from start to finish. 

Sunday: Arrived, unpacked, grocery store and take out High Cotton BBQ for dinner.

Monday: Duck Donuts!  Pool time!  Sun, relaxing, reading and my dear friend, Chirleen and family came down to say hello and join us for dinner at Rundown Cafe.  They brought us an awesome goodie basket!  It was SO cool to finally get to hug her and squeeze her!!

Tuesday: BEACH.   Pool, outlet shopping, Black Pelican for dinner.

Wednesday: Pool, dinner cooking and more pool.  Chris dropped off some fresh Mahi for dinner YUM!

Thursday: Said goodbye to Bob,  beach, pool, and date night with my husband.  Hello crab-legs.

Friday: Pool, more shopping and Barefoot Bernies for lunch.  Cooked some picnic food for the arrival of Scott and Jenn.

Saturday: Maybe another Duck Donut run happened.   Pool!  Chirleen, Chris and Gabby rejoined us for the day.  We did another pasta night and enjoyed the awesome company.

Sunday: Packed up and drove home in nasty traffic.  Hated saying goodbye to everyone :(

Stuck

I feel like I'm stuck.  I have no idea what to do next.  I don't know if there is a next.

My mind has flipped several times to the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.   I've lived 2 years in denial that we could ever be here.  Anger and jealousy have reared their ugly head more than I'd like to admit.  Bargaining is a constant part of the game..... Just one more try. Please God I'll do anything.  And good ole depression is a no brainer.  Infertility has gotten so many of my tears; second only to losing my Mom.   So when does acceptance come? Or should I say, "does acceptance come?" 

Day 1 no longer means calls to the RE.  There are unused tests under my bathroom sink.   There's the "other bedroom", the lists of baby names, the unworn maternity clothes, and the baby items cocky me bought.  There's so much left unsettled.  There's an emptiness and an elephant in the room that grows bigger all the time.

Yesterday at a conference, an acquaintance asked, "Now you have one or two babies now?"  Ouch.  Does the sting of those conversations ever go away?

To this point, I've felt like we're at least doing something.  Waiting, testing, medicating, monitoring, trying.... Now we're stuck.  I don't even know what cycle day it is (OK that's a lie....) but I sincerely wish I didn't know. 

What now? 

The End (I Think...)

Today marks the end of our journey.  I had my final RE appointment and we're now out of options unless we decide to pursue IVF. 

We sat with hippie Santa Claus and went through our entire case file and basically with my age, labs and conditions, we're just not going to conceive "the old fashioned way."  I know God isn't phased by any of these numbers, and I'll keep praying for a miracle, but I also know that prayers are often answered with a "no." 

I'm slowly processing how I feel about it all.   Devastated is the easiest to identify.  Anger and jealousy.  Overwhelmed.  Unsure and confused.  There's even an ounce of relief that the meds, tests and appointments are over.

Keith is all about trying IVF.  He's the dreamer and free spirit in our marriage.  He doesn't worry about the $15-20k price tag.  He says I'll regret it if we don't try it.  I'm convinced it will leave us in debt with empty arms either due to failure or another loss.  

I really just want to make a public service announcement that we're never having children so everyone knows and the questions and comments will stop.  That just seems so permanent though.

So realistically, it's not the end.  It's another crossroads and more emotions, but today, in my mind it's the end.  Maybe tomorrow will feel different.  Sigh. 

IUI Fail #2

Cruel timing, but today confirmed this last IUI was a bust.   I'll call the doctor tomorrow morning.  Part of me wants to skip this month because of our upcoming vacation, but somehow that makes me feel guilty.   Plus we'll probably be forced to skip the following month because of vacation timing.  Who knows!?   :(

When We Said I Do

2 years ago (on May 4) we said I do.   It's still one of my favorite days of my life.  There's no doubt in my mind that God made him just for me. 

It's hard to believe that 2 years have passed....I can't wait to spend forever with him. 

My plan is to return to the location of my favorite wedding photo each year to snap a picture.  Here's what we have so far.  Please note our photographers are usually my kiddo or my sister lol.