Torn Between

This year, I'm torn between being so thankful for all I have and a little sad on what I thought I'd have.  

The little Thanksgiving outfits still haunt me....those ribbon feathers ugh.  A few pregnancy announcements mixed in were just the whipped cream on the pie.

In the mix of it all, I'm blessed. I'm thankful.  I'm trying so hard to focus on the good stuff.

I did find one tiny way to clean out the tear ducts, while hopefully bringing another wanna be mama a smile.   Ice cream is always the answer so I'm treating on the pay it forward board.

Happy Turkey Day!!!

Wordless

I've struggled to write lately.  Partially because of a stressful project at work.  Partially because I don't know what to think, feel or write.  Partially because avoiding my thoughts is therapeutic (I lie to myself).

I can't sleep lately.  4 hours is the name of the game some nights.  If my brain had an off switch, I'd be one happy girl. 

I'm added to Keith's insurance for 2016. I have had some other amazing opportunities that have been huge blessings arise (more on that later).  My cousin recently had a successful transfer and is happily pregnant on her hail mary embryo.  Yet I'm scared....Petrified really.

I'm waiting for one single day where this is easy.  I need one single day when my brain and my heart and my life and our finances and my everything just get their act together. 

I'm still waiting for it to happen "naturally" (hate that word) again.  I'm still convinced it will end in loss. I'm still contemplating kidnapping or running away from home or adopting or more furry kids instead of human.  I'm still telling myself to give up and move on. 

Alright maybe I don't lack words at all....just answers. I lack answers.

Dear OBGYN

Dear OBGYN,

I understand what your business is all about.  I get it.  But is it too much to ask that you soundproof the walls? 

I got greeted by the family of 6 soon to be 7 in your waiting room.  I faked a smile.  4 more pregos walked through.  Eager for ultrasounds, scheduling again in 2 weeks, eager to hear all about their babies.  I kept my head down.  But to walk to the bathroom and hear the sound of someone else's baby's heartbeat is just more than this girl can handle.

My first child once had a heart beat.  My second child may or may not have had one.  I'm so glad they're not suffering through what we did, but please don't expose me to something I want so badly.

You need to be set up like restaurants back in the day.  Instead of smoking and nonsmoking can you do fertile and infertile?  I don't wanna kill my lungs or break my heart....nonsmoking infertile section please! 

Sincerely,
Jealous of the Fertiles

A Look Back (#2)

Random pictures from second pregnancy

Loss #2

I lost another baby today.  We lost another child today.  This time it was earlier.  This time my body naturally started the process.  This time it hurts, but it's a different kind of hurt, but yet still the same. 

There is no ultrasound picture this time.  Some say it's even too early to be called a miscarriage.  But still there is a loss and a new hole in my heart. 

I hate my body.  I hate the way I feel physically, emotionally and mentally.  I hate that I inconvenienced the people who had to sweep in again and pick me up off the floor. 

I called this little one Nugget.  We fought over names.  We browsed nursery fabrics.  I bought a chalkboard for monthly pictures.  I dared to dream that this time would be different. 

Maybe I shouldn't have shopped on Saturday.  Maybe I shouldn't have mowed grass on Monday.  Maybe I shouldn't have tried yoga poses to increase blood flow.  Maybe I rolled on my back too long in my sleep. 

I called the doctor's office, but I still have no idea what that nurse said.  I remember her confirming that my numbers dropped significantly, but the rest is a blur.  I don't know how I drove home.  I don't know what I'd do without the crew that swept in to pick up the pieces. 

My heart hurts.  I want my baby back.  I don't know why I'm here again. Why did I put myself through this again? 

A Look Back (#1)

Excited. Scared. Thrilled. Terrified. Hopeful. Worried. Ecstatic. Petrified.

I could go on and on. 

This time is different.  I want to skip and yell and celebrate and throw a party.  But I also want to hide and pretend it's not happening and protect my heart. 

I'm begging God.  I'm praising God.  

I keep thinking of this quote:

It's not fair to this baby. MY second biological child to not celebrate his or her life, because Doodle is in heaven.  

So the doctor's office doesn't open until 8am.  The same time as my physical therapy appointment.  After that I'm blood work bound.   Please let the numbers be great.  

I think I'm taking Keith coffee from Starbucks that says "Daddy of 2" on the cup.  I told him last night that my period was late and he just simply said "Don't get your hopes up honey." He worries. 

Well I'm done crying and rambling for now.  More later.

Don't Blink

Um where did August go?   I feel like I blinked my eyes and there was September.  

The highlights:

Scott and Jenn came to visit. It was nice to see them and have them stay with us!

Jimmy Buffett concert with my sister.  A memorable time, as usual. 

Weddings and birthday parties. (missing some pics)

Father-in law turned 81

Mackel turned 80

Heidi turned 30

Uncle Bob came to visit. (not a single pic - we ate, we got pedicures, we gossiped!)

Perry's first football game of the season.

When did my kid grow up?!?!

Did some painting and redecorating in our master bathroom. Doing yellow decorations throughout. 

Clean eating challenge.  Keith thinks I am trying to make him a rabbit. 

Next up is my favorite time of the year....bring on the pumpkins, mums, cooler air and fall leaves!!!