Dia Box Take 2

You think I would have learned the first time, but nnnooooo.  So my next Dia and Company box arrived and yet again it was a bust.  This time I learned my lesson and cancelled. 

It was fun while it lasted.

Dress: My butt was hanging out for the world to see.

Pink shirt: Showed every hump, bump and lump I have.

Tunic: No,  just no. 

Black blouse: Wouldn't make it over my shoulders. Fits like a Large.

Necklace: Weirdness.  Who wants a chain hanging to their belly button.  (I didn't even put it on to take a picture, hence the borrowed pic.)

My photographer was even more contrary this time, but you can get an idea of the horror lol.

A Day In The Life

I love reading these posts on other blogs so I figured why not give people a glance into the overwhelming excitement that is my life. (Sarcasm)

4:00am: Husband wakes me up to tell me he can't sleep. 

4:01am:  I put the gun away and resist shooting him.

5:45am: My alarm goes off.

6:15am: I actually drag myself out of bed.  The kittens protest.  The zombie walk begins aka getting ready for work.

You're jealous of my "face washing hair wrap, aren't you?

As you can see there are many products to be used up.  And the pile of wash cloths to the right is caused by a missing laundry basket.

Used up another sample...I consider this an accomplishment in my Spring cleaning.

Did some quick shifting of the bedroom so the painter can paint while we are at work.

7:00am: Go downstairs to pack lunch, feed cats, find caffeine, do assorted chores, and grumble about chores that have to wait until tonight.

There's the missing laundry basket.

Of course while making my salad the kittens scream for lunch meat!

She is ADDICTED to this toy.  We had to get a second because if the first one dies, she will mourn herself to death.

I do my kitty servant duties and put more food in the bowls so they can throw it on the floor.

Yes, I still do Netflix mailers....don't judge!

7:15am: Morning commute with k-love.

Traffic as usual

That's a little blurry, but driving and blogging is tricky

7:28am: Score VIP parking and run for the door

I could feel Security laughing at me while taking this picture.  

7:30am: Review calendar, read emails, put on my face (makeup) during a call with Ireland. 

Today it is just the basics...

Someone needs to clean up her cube.

12:00pm: Shove food in my mouth during another call.  Who schedules calls during lunch? SO sleepy!

Awkward yawning selfie

3:30pm: End of the workday woohhhoooo! Errands - gas,  Sam's Club, bank 

More traffic

Loving these cheaper gas prices!

5:00pm: Dinner with the husband at Cheddars (yeah there aren't pictures of that....far too hungry)

6:00pm: Home to put our nearly painted bedrooms back together and to hang pictures in my son's room.

Finally back together with some new wall decor.

A fresh coat of paint goes a long way.  Now I need to get the spring cleaning done in here.

7:00pm: Laundry and chores

The laundry never stops.

8:00pm: The Bachelor and ice cream

I had to eat this before The Biggest Loser started!

9:00pm: The Biggest Loser

She likes to watch commercials

10:30pm: Bedtime...even before the finale ended.  Goodnight! 

I Sit and Wonder

My mind wanders a lot these days.  Today I was texting with one of the greatest people I know and my mind was off on a whole new tangent.

She's infertile.  A cancer scare robbed her of her "parts" well before 35.  She is the most amazing aunt in the world to her niece and nephew.  She never misses an event, she takes them out all the time and celebrates every milestone with them.  She loves them so well.

Then there's my adopted family member.  She's had miscarriages and she's infertile.  She scooped in and saved Heidi and I after Mom died.  She makes you feel like the most spoiled and loved people in the world.  She loves us so well.

Then there's my previous coworker.  She's infertile.  Her sister committed suicide and she's stepped in to love her niece and nephew and help show them what real love is.  She loves them well.

So my mind wanders to the questions, does infertility change you and make you value children that much more? Or does God decide to make you infertile so you're available to love those who need loved? 

Right now, I avoid kids.  Last night I got ambushed at a dinner party where there were 5, yes FIVE kids under 3 years old.  For some crazy reason I volunteered to hold a newborn so her mom could eat.  I won't ever pretend that I didn't contemplate making a stab at kidnapping. 

I'll never understand God's ways....but it definitely gives me something to think about.  I just pray that if the time comes, I can love like these three amazing women have.

It's Changed Who You Are

A few nights ago I had one of the ugliest cries I've had in a long time.  A whole rush of emotions hit at once and it wasn't pretty.  The worst part of the night was hearing these words out of Keith's mouth, "It's changed who you are."

It's the nagging realization that sits in the back of your head, but to hear it out loud cuts deep.  He doesn't realize the sting behind his words.  Honestly he doesn't understand a quarter of what I'm feeling.  He tries, but it's just not possible.

The last few months have been hard.  There were so many highs: getting insurance for IVF, having a friend offer us a HUGE gift, having financial pieces fall into place.  But those moments were quickly followed by a huge low: our consultation where the true risks of my egg retrieval were revealed.

IVF was always where I kept my hope.  All hope wasn't lost as long as we had that card to play.  But now we don't.  And yes, there are still other cards we could play: egg adoption, embryo adoption, child adoption, but my heart isn't there.  Somehow that makes me feel like I'm giving up and selfishly guarding my heart.  In all honesty, I can't handle much more.

The hard truth is it has changed me.  I hate leaving the house.  If I could, I would stay home constantly.  There aren't baby clothes and pregnant women at home.  There aren't acquaintances that ask about starting a family when I'm home.  I get anxious about totally simple things.  I've distanced myself from the people I love.  I'd rather sleep or watch Netflix than do anything else. 

Keith recently commented that he's bored with our routine.  My response was, "This is it.  We won't have kid functions and all those normal things families do.  So this is it." 

I went to a funeral this week of a dear friend.  Her obituary talked about her huge family.  The woman had 22 great grandchildren.  Mine will be short....there won't be a long list of children, grandchildren or great grandchildren.  There was a huge realization that I'll never fit in with my peers, not now are they're becoming parents or later as their kids give them grandchildren. 

So yes this journey has changed me.  It's robbed me of my hopes and dreams.  It's brought out emotions that scare me.  It's broken my heart to begin to accept I'll only hold my babies in heaven.  I know with time it will get better.....I'm just not there yet.